These are my own experiences and results; YMMV! Just sharing!
I not only exposed both my wife's EA's, I also confronted the OM's; one of them directly in person! Here is why:
Exposing: 1) I consider it DISRESPECT and I refuse to let her disrespect me! 2) She still lives at home; I still pay her bills and provide a blanket of financial protection. This is where the disrespect comes in. 3) You live in my house, being provided for by me, getting your bills paid, you will play by my rules or move out / divorce me! 4) I don't do this to be a d*ck; these are boundaries, the only boundary I have really set. Otherwise, she is free to lead her life and come and go as an adult should! Beyond this, I have owned my part of the marriage, saw an IC, GAl'd and continue to make my improvements.
Confronting: 1) Again; I won't let anyone (including OM) disrespect me! 2) Most OM's don't expect this; you are now a reality in their fantasy that they have to deal with! 3) If you are confident, Show no fear, cordial and show evidence, they tuck tail and run (both mine did as far as I can tell). They don't want your evidence getting in the "wrong" hands (alleviates telling the OMW if you are unsure you want to do this). Most DO NOT want a confrontation and get really nervous when you know things about them, their personal life and their family!
***If my wife wasn't still at home and I was not supporting her in any way, then I would care less and probably have moved on!
***If you are going to confront, better know d@mn well what you are getting into, know your adversary and get some background info.
***I DO NOT recommend any public exposure; definitely bust the cr@p out of your WAS, maybe set and boundary and make it a consequence of telling OMW if she doesn't comply! My opinion!
My results:
- As far as I can tell, both OM's are out of the picture. - I did my investigative work; when I exposed a lot of my knowledge (especially when it comes to their family / home life, place of work, home address, routine, etc...) I think they realize just how easy it is for you to reach out and "touch" them even if they are 2000 miles away! And, no, I never threatened them or anything; just knowledge of their life and activities! I think this scared OM#2 a lot! - Due to consequences of 2nd EA, wife has "lost" all privileges to privacy. I didn't force her, I gave her a choice: full transparency whenever asked or move out! She hasn't moved yet! - It appears that since I made a stand (especially on the second incident and dropped an ultimatum) things are a lot better on the home front. She has turned a lot of her attention back my way and a lot of positive things that I won't go into here.
Bottom line; do what you feel is right for you. Some will come on here and disagree with me! They are welcome to do that! To each there own!
Originally Posted By: Jrock
I'm new to DB. I just got the book. So far, there don't seem to be much in the way of strategies on how to deal with an ongoing A. But, I realize that I've been pretty much doing everything opposite of the DB method up to this point. Lol!
It happens! DB/DR are really good books and I have re-read a lot of it, but, that being said, I don't think it covers 100% of every sitch. You know your own sitch & spouse and you have to tailor it in some areas! Just my $0.02!
Originally Posted By: Jrock
I've now got the OM's physical address. I can go out and expose the A to his W tomorrow at her home while her H is working. Should I do it? I could also send her a Fed Ex Letter. Under these circumstances, is this type of exposure a good strategy at this point?
If you are going to do this, DO NOT go to the OM's home! Do it on neutral ground! try to contact her by some other means and set a meeting! Again, my $0.02!
Azagtoth
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
I read your other thread, and what stood out to me was how you thought telling OM's W would probably end the A. Why would you think she has any more influence with her S than you have with yours? You thought her applying pressure to her H would end the A with your W. Maybe his W already knows about the A and is making threats like you have. Threats are non-effective when dealing with a WAS in an A.
This is not you doing work to save the M. This is you wanting somebody else to do the work.
How are you coming on the book?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am in the camp of not exposing. But I do agree with others that you really painted yourself into a corner.
I was think about how each circumstance plays out:
1. You keep the secret, affair: a. fizzles out on its own b. lingers on
2. You tell the other spouse, affair: a. fizzles out on its own b. lingers on, with more deception & hiding
I see no advantage to outing the A, Ultimatums/pressure rarely seem to help anything.
Side note: document the details of the A in a very secret place. Could be require if D ever comes into play.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
And so what is your plan of action after you do so to deal with the fall out?
The main fallout I'm expecting is from my W. She's going to be angry. She will likely say a lot of terrible things including making threats of D. I plan to tell her, "I'm trying to save our marriage. I'm trying to save our family. I think we can recover from all of this but the A has to end first."
And when she says no she doesn't want to be married to you any longer?
I'll say, 'I think we can work it out but, obviously, I can't force u to stay M to me. Let's get the house ready to sell, break the news carefully to our son, friends, family and iron out the details for D.'
I read your other thread, and what stood out to me was how you thought telling OM's W would probably end the A. Why would you think she has any more influence with her S than you have with yours? You thought her applying pressure to her H would end the A with your W. Maybe his W already knows about the A and is making threats like you have. Threats are non-effective when dealing with a WAS in an A.
This is not you doing work to save the M. This is you wanting somebody else to do the work.
Great points. Exposure very well may not end the A. In fact, they will have lots of opportunities to continue the A because of their work situation.
However, I think I need to stand my ground with telling the OM's W because I already warned them. I think it's the only way my W will understand I mean business. She has told me other people she does not want know. I may have to expose the A to them as well.
I've read that exposure can work because it ruins the fantasy of the EA. Once some reality and truth creeps into the situation, it can serve to help shatter the fantasy.
I'll say, 'I think we can work it out but, obviously, I can't force u to stay M to me. Let's get the house ready to sell, break the news carefully to our son, friends, family and iron out the details for D.'
Are you really and truly prepared to follow through with this?
Personally, I think you could go to your W and say, "Hey, look... I lost my mind for a period. I am not about to blow apart someone else's family over this. It is bad enough that our family is being affected by this.
However, I can't let this keep going on. My boundaries are XXXXX, XXXX, and XXXX. If this is unacceptable to then we need to decide what course of action we are going to take."
If your state has no fault divorce then it is not going to matter diddly squat what evidence you have regarding anything. I think that you can have a graceful exit out of your corner with a little eating the proverbial sh*t sandwich. The great part about making your own sandwich is that you get to choose the bread...
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
One night I got a phone call telling me that my W and XXX XXXX were having an affair. She told me the details of what she saw. I confronted my wife about it.
End result was the A did not stop. It created an atmosphere in the home that was unbearable. She was angry. She tried to turn it around on me. The eruption was not a pretty sight.
I wish I had handled it differently but I can't unring that bell.
You have kids involved... I did not.
The fallout is going to involve everyone.
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
I'll say, 'I think we can work it out but, obviously, I can't force u to stay M to me. Let's get the house ready to sell, break the news carefully to our son, friends, family and iron out the details for D.'
Are you really and truly prepared to follow through with this?
Personally, I think you could go to your W and say, "Hey, look... I lost my mind for a period. I am not about to blow apart someone else's family over this. It is bad enough that our family is being affected by this.
However, I can't let this keep going on. My boundaries are XXXXX, XXXX, and XXXX. If this is unacceptable to then we need to decide what course of action we are going to take."
If your state has no fault divorce then it is not going to matter diddly squat what evidence you have regarding anything. I think that you can have a graceful exit out of your corner with a little eating the proverbial sh*t sandwich. The great part about making your own sandwich is that you get to choose the bread...
My state is no fault. The A won't affect the outcome of a D at all.
I am prepared to follow through with a D. It's not what my W or I want right now but we have some big problems. I can't put up with this disrespect much longer.
You have some great points. I could certainly use your type of spin and back out of the exposure. I can tell her that I was angry before but I've moved past it which is true. I can tell my W I came very close to exposing the A to the OM's W but I just knew it would mean her world would come apart. All of it is true.
