4th Down And Getting A Little Anxious

[Georgiabelle]

I need a little advice. H has never managed his bills on his own. Parents, gf who then became 1st wife then to me. I can tell he becomes anxious when it comes to finances, however at almost 41 most understand that. He paid for about 10-15% of our expenses the last 9 years of our marriage.

My 2 older kids see a therapists every week. S11 can probably switch to every other week in the relatively near future while D9 has ongoing issues (anger and rage like her Dad has)D9 has staph, so I sent a text ( I never reach out unless it is financial or if he is arriving in the am) saying D9 had to go to doctor and got medicine so please deposit his portion for doctor's visit and medicine when depositing money for next week's therapy. He texted back and did not ask about D9 or what was wrong ( this was not at all surprising) but "didn't I think therapy was too steep and unnecessary for kids?"


Mmmmmmm. Still have not responded and wonder of this ridiculous text deserves a response. Anyone else have any thoughts? Thanks for everyone's ongoing input. I appreciate it:-)

[scooby]

GB-

Sorry H is being so weird. Before all this happened did your H believe in therapy? My H did not and went a few session before he quit. I mentioned that the kids will need therapy if he leaves - he threw a fit. Therapy did not help me when I was a kid and now - it is a joke. The other thing is your H is just being a MLCer. If you asked him half hour later, you probably would get different response. Has he been paying for therapy? It seems a little silly for him to throw a fit this far into it.

Sorry to hear the kids are having a hard time. Mine do not know, but would have a very hard time as we both are very close to them. I am glad that you have gotten them into therapy before it got worse. You are a great mom - and don't forget it. It is good because right now you have to be both parents, and you are doing a fabuous job!

Hope your H comes out of his funk and just sends the money. My H is now believing his lies and getting forgettful - I have used it to my advantage to get him to do some obligations.

Have a great weekend!

[peacetoday]

I think some people whether in MLC or not do not realize
the value of therapy and may consider it a waste

That is their opinion
I happen to agree with you

It is extremely important
so I would argue with him or try to make him realize the truth
just ask for the money and be cordial and thank him if he gives it

[peacetoday]

meant would not argue

[Georgiabelle]

Warning...... This will be long and venty (sadly not the coffee sized drink )

H and I are getting a d. I knew this was coming and I had overall been doing well until yesterday. And then BAM. It hit me. He requested the kids 36 days a year and call this mind reading..,, he can't handle 36 days a year. The woman who was like a grandmother to him died last week. He didn't show at the funeral. He wanted to claim kids on his taxes- I held firm. Must look out for financial security of the kids. He never asks about them and only speaks to the little one. He said all he wanted was one of the 2 dogs. This from the man who went to every doctor's appointment with me and slept in the hospital with me every night after my c-sections. Wants the dog over his kids. Said not being able to write off kids every year would costs him thousands. Told him sorry. I'm raising them so that's the way that works.

If you had told me a year ago this would happen, I would have said that's impossible. How very arrogant of me. I know I not suppose to look, however I check his twitter feed every once in a while. He keeps saying he must burn all of his bridges so he can't go back. His new 25-28 year old friends who know nothing about him keep saying he will be happier.

I feel bad for my kids. Mind reading again, but part of me thinks he just had to let everyone (including his parents and brother go ). Had to go on his for himself. I was angry and I'm now starting to look at him with a true sense of sadness. How truly miserable he must be and how much pain he must be in. How he must be trying to shove it all down. However, as sad as it makes me, I know I can't fix it. It's him. He's gotta own his stuff. I have to raise these. 3 wonderful kids and move on.

I'm sort of relieved that I don't spend time on the future. I used to think I had it all figured out. Ha! I can't control it. So, I'll continue to focus on making me better and enjoying these great kids. Help them become the best they can. I never dreamt they would grow up without their Dad as I knew him. That man is gone. I don't like the one in his place. However, as I've said I wouldn't trade places with him for anything.

When I joined here back in Dec, I thought I might have a different sitch. Mine would be different. Don't we all? Sadly , it's strange how so many are similar. I knew H was going thru MLC but I didn't really understand how destructive they are. I didn't know a person became so selfish and discarded all that was previously important to them. However, I can say I've never witnessed a transformation like this and I've seen a great deal in my life. However, it's been very real.

I don't know what the future holds but I know I will be okay. My kids will be okay. I don't know about h. Perhaps one day we can bd friends again. Sounds so very far off.

Going to work out. This board is a blessing.

[praying_in_GA]

GB - you sound strong today. I am happy to read this. I too am going to be divorced this year and I also assumed I would be able to walk out of this with my family together. Stay focused and love your kids.

[Wonka]

GB,

I am so sorry to hear of this latest twist in your journey.

Get a lawyer. Then go DARK!

[job]

I agree w/Wonka...go as dark as you can and make an appointment w/a lawyer asap. Protect yourself, your children, your financials and assets. Don't believe a word he says about taking care of you and/or your children. You want everything in writing and done legally.

I'm very sorry that that it has come to this.

[kml]

GB -
I'm sorry it has come to this, but there may turn out to be a silver lining in all this. You never know what glorious future awaits you.

I'm sorry to hear about your H's change in personality. Sometimes it's just the drug-like effects of infatuation (which lights up the brain just like cocaine, and seems to trigger similar addict-like behaviors in some WASs). Other times it is actual genuine brain damage (my ex had 6 concussion in 8 years prior to our split, I think he may have a minor form of the brain disease that football players have - at least, that's the generous explanation of his otherwise jerky behaviors).

Still, at some point, you can't save them from themselves and have to let them go. It's awful for the kids, but at least they have you to be their rock, and at least you have been the major breadwinner anyway. You know you did your best to try and save the marriage, you can move on now with a clear conscience. Put down your burden and dream some big dreams for yourself.

(P.S. I bought a drum kit when my ex left and learned to play the drums at 52. Now I play in a pop-punk cover band, and this year I played vibraphone in a friend's band at SXSW, the giant music industry conference in Austin TX. Not bad for a middle-aged woman )

[bluesgal]

Hey GB-sorry to hear the latest news. I totally agree with Wonka and Snodderly. Go dark.

As for the future, you never know. Just as we would have never imagined our lives where they are now, we cannot predict where they will be down the road. I am so glad that you are strong for your kiddo's. You are setting a great example and being the rock they need. Your H seems to be spiraling very fast.