Hey Matt! I second Bmom's opinion. You are lucky to have such a wonderful family no matter what W is up to...I keep telling myself that alot too! Make sure you keep your chin up and you will find the right answers.
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
Thanks Bmom and nyk. My parents have been married almost 55 years now. They still hold hands on the beach, take walks together, etc. I remember them going thru hard times when I was a kid but they always worked things out. That's what I wanted. Why I married a person who didn't "believe" in D. Who swore they would do whatever it took it work things out. Found out just how hollow her promises were the hard way.
Today while cleaning to get ready for my parents visit, I found a bag of "trash" that my W left for me to put out. As I was carrying it it fell open and out came every card, letter, "love" note, Valentine I ever gave her. She threw away all of it like it was nothing! Why is it they can be so horrible after so many years together? It's one thing to "change" how they feel but to be so dismissive of feelings that they once had, I don't understand that.
That just knocked the wind out of my sails. They make it so hard to care anything about them. Just when I get to the place where I can say "it's not about me. She is in pain and wants it to stop" she does something like this! God, grant me the strength to get through this!
This day is getting worse! Just found out FIL is coming so he can "help" her find a place to move to. He is trying to time it so he can avoid being here while my parents are here. Good idea since my dad would probably kick his butt! My W is such a terrible liar. She tells me he is staying 30 miles away in the town she wants to move to so she can be around her work friends because "he found a good rate", sure, that makes sense.
If he would stay the hell out of our marriage, I really doubt my wife would leave. It would give her a chance to get thru the tunnel without having to destroy her family but FIL is so damn determined to get her to leave her family he is coming 1100 miles to inject himself into something he caused in the first place. At least it may be easier to keep him away from my daughters but I'm sure W will try to get them to see him as much as possible.
I'm going to need to be careful as if I see him, he will get an earful of what I think of him and why.
I really need some feedback here from some Sr. people. My parents coming to visit for first time in 3 years has had W anxious. I'm beginning to think she wants her father to come because she's afraid of what is going to happen with my parents!
One of the reasons my W wanted to marry me was because of my parents. They always accepted her and loved her something she never got from her father. When her MLC began 3.5 years ago, she hitched a ride with my parents without me to visit her dad as they could go that way on their trip home. I wasn't there but she told me that her and my mom didn't "get along" on the trip and she was very angry. I couldn't understand that as for the week before, they had all gotten along great. My mom was 70 at the time and doesn't travel well and can get tired but never anything awful. But since then my W has always come up with reasons they can't visit. Now I know my W was starting her MLC and it was the way SHE saw things that made her think my mother and her didn't "get along".
My parents have told me from the start of this to tell my W they love her and are worried about her. They are worried about me and my kids of course but say this is so unlike my W, they know there is something more going on here. This morning my W asked me "Are your parents angry at me?". I was honest with her and told her "From the start they have told me to make sure you know they love you. They also don't like the way you are acting right now, and I agree with them. But they do love you.".
My W's reaction to this was to laugh and say "...the way I'm acting...". I just looked at her and said "Yes, the way you're acting". She seems to think this is just so funny. She is acting horrible. She won't give our marriage a chance, is purposely hurting her kids, doing so many awful things. Yes, the way you are acting.
Last night was oldest D's first grad ceremony and it was great. The pastor talked about giving your all in life especially in things like your marriage and there sits my W. She purposely sat 3 seats away and instead of us sharing the satisfaction of getting her through 12 years of private school. All the sacrifice it took to afford to do this and I was looking forward to sharing these times with her, not having her telling me she wants a D and too bad younger D just won't go to this school, gets in the way of her wanting to "find her joy"!
Way does she think saying the way she is "acting" is so funny? How can she not feel the way I do about our shared sacrifice we went thru and be so cold? God, all the hard work it took us both to get our D to this place and she is so very cold!
I really need some feedback here from some Sr. people. My parents coming to visit for first time in 3 years has had W anxious.
I am sorry that your W is getting anxious about this. Those are her feelings to own and there is nothing that you can or should try to do about it.
Your W and your parents are all grown ups. I would hope that they could act like it for the sake of your D, who is really who this visit is about right?
So I am unsure what you need help with there...
Originally Posted By: Matt
This morning my W asked me "Are your parents angry at me?". I was honest with her and told her "From the start they have told me to make sure you know they love you. They also don't like the way you are acting right now, and I agree with them. But they do love you.".
This statement was very judgemental towards your W. While it may have been the truth, you would have been better off answering the question as simply as possible. "They want you to know they love you." or "yes" or "no." With no interjection of other thoughts.
You see the result it got you, your W is now more on the defensive.
Originally Posted By: Matt
Way does she think saying the way she is "acting" is so funny? How can she not feel the way I do about our shared sacrifice we went thru and be so cold? God, all the hard work it took us both to get our D to this place and she is so very cold!
She doesn't necessarily think the way she is acting is funny but she doesn't think it is wrong either, which is how she perceives how you and your parents view her actions.
She doesn't feel the way you do because she isn't you.
I do wonder if your W was so severly depressed that some days she couldn't get off of the couch, how much did she actually do and sacrafice to get your D here?
I think you are projecting your feelings and expectations onto your W and the situation.
Matt,
It's time for you to detatch. I know you think you are but it comes through in your posts just how attached you still are through your anger and your judgement.
I also know you believe that your FIL is solely responsible for all of this and in a round about way I agree with you, but I also think that at this point he is trying to be supportive of his D and what he believes she wants. Where is your W's responsiblity in all of this?
I already know you don't think you have any sort of responsibility in this, and that if he had stayed away that your W would be fine and your M would be intact however, I don't believe that to be the case.
I know you didn't cause the MLC, but I also know that people go through transitions without ever leaving something that they are fully happy with. So to a degree we LBS all have some responsibility in their desire to leave the M.
And you comment about having a live-in MLCer... there are more of us who have experienced that than you think.
You have a long road infront of you. You keep saying your W is moving out of replay and from what you have written, I see no evidence of that at all.
It's time to start looking in the mirror that is in front of you instead of in the rearview mirror at her and what she is doing.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Wow cat, you pretty much spell it out! I beleive it takes time to fully detach and it must be hard living with an MLCer. When you say detach, does it mean we LBS need to reach a point where with her or without her it doesnt matter? I know I am not there yet, but is that what it takes?
BD OM EA 9/2013 ICAYBDNLY 10/2013 I Move out 1/2014 Separation draft sent 5/2014 S13 S13 S9
For me it means not allowing our spouses words/actions/moods to dominate our feelings, or determine how we will live our life.
And yes, we do need to reach a point where we know we will be fine, even better than fine, without them.
When you read the various threads on the board, you'll get a feel for who is coping well, (overall... everyone has bad moments) even though their spouse may have rejected them or is otherwise treating them poorly. They are detached.
The one's who are struggling greatly, and allowing their spouses actions to overwhelm their life... not so much.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
At this point I'm really not that concerned about ME being rejected as much as keeping the damage to my kids to a min. Found out today that W is trying to force my 14 year old to go to live with my FIL for a month, NOT BOTHERING TO TALK TO ME ABOUT IT! She knows I wouldn't allow that. She knows how I feel about him and how he treats them and has been trying to guilt my 14 year old into agreeing. Now my D has come to me to ask me to intervene and get her mom to leave her alone.
At this point I don't give a damn if she is hurting, having an MLC or is just plain insane, I will not allow her to screw with my kids without even bothering to talk to me about it first. So, this is what she means by "co-parenting" and acting the "right way" because it's not divorce that hurts kids, it's now you act after.
She wants out of our marriage that's her choice. She can not and I will not allow her to expose my kids to her dad or make decisions about where they go and who they stay with without my go ahead. They both are planning to stay with me when she leaves. I will not allow her to use my good will towards her against me. I already have given up doing much of what I want to do because she needs my help or support to work late or help her grandmother or mother. No more of that. She has gone too far and the kids are the hill I will die on.
By the way I may not have been a perfect husband but I did NOTHING to deserve her I don't want to even try attitude. For 24 years I hear nothing but marriage is forever, I'll never put my kids thru that until she changes her mind overnight? 12 weeks after I got a vasectomy only because she swore she had no thoughts of leaving? Sorry cat, I'm sure I have things about myself that can be improved but I have been an excellent husband and father and did nothing to force her into changing every value she swore she had.
