Spoue tried I didn't, now opposite #2

[whytry]

uRworthy, I appreciate the thoughtfulness you put into your writing. It's encouraging, unbiased, and still to the point. I only mention the Doctor stuff cuz I've never been for anything other than when sick (pneumonia, pink eye, etc). Never had tests run in 20 years and my W used to swear I was bipolar cuz she never knew what guy was waking up that day. Not scapegoating cuz looking back it mighta just been me being an @ss.

The contact stuff is just a question. She's always in our daughter's room so never really any chance to talk much.

Oh our kids are awesome. They always have things going on to keep me moving forward. Nights with D reading her homework to me, her softball practices, boys baseball games, etc. Stuff I forgot how to enjoy!

I'm still crawling in terms of DBing but I'm learning more and more each day!

[whytry]

MrCas, the only time R or M comes up isn't by me anymore. Usually W telling me to quit with the DB "crap" or that she's not gunna feel stay cuz of guilt and stuff. I must get an unusual look on my face when she brings it up cuz she always says that's my face when I'm manipulating. Can't argue cuz it may be the same look and yep that's my history in our M. Oh well.

The contact is limited as stated on URworthy response. W told family so I haven't had a reason to talk to them.

GAL is good. Played in company softball games and had company golf tournament this morning. Still working out with S13, baseball practices, walking (afraid to run), etc.

180s... Enjoying life. Lmbo. I'm doing dishes, clothes, keeping my stuff put up, reading, and church. Things I quit doing years ago. I find some self value that I've been missing and kids spend their time with me doing those things. We're getting so much closer now and they are happier so it makes me feel even better.

Only downside is the negative digs from W about it. I do understand her reasoning so I get over it.

[uRworthy]

WT, I absolutely think you should have yourself checked out by a doc.

I am glad to read that you are understanding of why your w is skeptical of your changes as others will be, too.

Consistent actions over time is the only way for others to believe your changes are real.

You are in a process of self discovery. So, while it is important to live your life as the person you hope to be, the way you get there fully and completely is to continue to dig deep.

This cannot be as a way to save your marriage or the changes wont stick. It has to be because you realize that who you are now is not who you want to be.

So, you need to keep digging to figure out what brought you to the man you are.

What always triggered your anger? Why? What always stopped you from participating fully in your life?

Try to remember that you did some damage over the years to those who loved you. That hurt doesnt just go away.

You are doing some good work here. Keep going.

[MrCAS]

That post right there? Read that fifteen times today...

uR... That was spot on.

[Cadet]

I only mention the Doctor stuff cuz I've never been for anything other than when sick (pneumonia, pink eye, etc).
Never had tests run in 20 years and my W used to swear I was bipolar cuz she never knew what guy was waking up that day.

So does any of this sting?

Why didnt you have tests run?

Most men dont want to go to the doctor,
and after they die of a heart attack realize that they should
have had a test done.

Most depressed people deny that they are depressed.
Refuse to get help.

When you take responsibility for yourself then you are moving forward.

[whytry]

Thanks MrCas, uRworthy, & Cadet. I scheduled doctor apt so we'll see how it goes. Not sure to ask my dad what his issue is/was but probably should.

UR, I honestly can't answer you yet. Anger at the drop of a hat seems to have been something I just grew up with (dad, uncle, me). Not enjoying life was flatly just me. Part shame/guilt part just not in the mood, and partly just felt things would be better if I wasn't around. Mostly why I didn't participate much with W family. We got along for years then went to crap.

MrCas, I still post stuff as I remember. Yes I've always been ashamed of my lack of memory on everything. Drives W nuts even now through this she (and I) get frustrated over it.

Cadet, Never had tests run "cuz I wasn't the problem"! Bet you've heard that before. Some of it fear of finding a problem. A lot of it was pride/reluctance to admit I ain't perfect. Either way I guess I'll know soon enough.

[uRworthy]

WT, can you expand on this, please, so we can understand better?

"Not enjoying life was flatly just me. Part shame/guilt part just not in the mood, and partly just felt things would be better if I wasn't around."

Why the shame and the guilt and the feeling things would bbe better if you werent around?

[MrCAS]

Hey, buddy... I know what that shame of seeking help feels like. I was broken. I wanted to be fixed but had no idea how to do it. It took a lot for me to do it but I will never regret doing it ever.

There is NO shame in seeking help.

[whytry]

uRworthy, I'm not sure I can explain much. I used to enjoy outdoors, hunting, fishing, playing baseball, etc. It got to where I wanted to just stay home and hang out. W & kids wanted to go do things and I was never in the mood. W took children every now and then mountain biking or swimming at state parks and stuff. Generally, I was grouchy if W pushed me to go so it just seemed better if they just left me alone. I knew I used to love that type of stuff so felt guilty not spending time with them but didn't want to ruin their fun.

[whytry]

Thanks MrCas, I'm kinda anxious about Thursdays appt. We'll see. May be perfectly healthy and that'll kinda be a downer. But I do enjoy myself more now than in a long time. I think the being active with kids and doing things myself has helped pull me out of my funk. Things my W and kids begged me for years ago.