Barrybran - New Thread

[Barrybran]

My last thread is here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2445832&page=1

Mother's Day is this Sunday and I'm somewhat torn about what to do. I understand that any gift that I have too much input into will likely be taken poorly so I've asked the kids what they want to do. The problem is my son doesn't seem to care about it and my daughter keeps coming up with painting a card for her and nothing else. I could quite easily leave it and avoid any dramas. I feel pretty strongly that the kids should celebrate it and that I should be setting an example for them. If I don't do anything, the kids will have some things from school and daycare and our babysitter also has some ideas.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[Upwards]

Barry could you take the kids shopping for something, nothing extravagant but a token gift off them that they've chosen themselves and that way it's not directly from you? Also a painted card sounds like a lovely idea as a mother it's the homemade or gifts chosen by the kids that I love the most.

[Ggrass]

I won't be having a Mother's Day with my child first ever. My gal thing is a trip to see a mate in qld. Just for 2 days. I can pretend the whole life drama is but a distant memory.

Just make it a parent day for yourself, if she doesn't come around. You sound like the mum of the household anyway.

[Barrybran]

Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I had a think about things and I felt that setting a positive example for the kids by celebrating family events was more important than any potential negative feelings my wife would experience from receiving a gift that I had a hand in. I had a pretty good idea based on something my son and eldest daughter said so I took them to get some supplies. It was a bit of a mission as I had to take them to my wife's work, she hung around in the aisle I needed, she knew what I was up to and the kids were more interested in toys and squeaky dog toys than they were in getting things for Mum.

The hardest part of it all was telling the babysitter that I would be doing something for Mother's Day. Our babysitter has been fantastic. She knows what's going on here though she never brings it up and she volunteered to step in and help the kids make something for my wife. After reading responses here and thinking about it I felt that the kids need to see me leading the way rather than an outsider to our family.

In other news, I've had a pretty interesting couple of days as far as money is concerned. I feel I'm being tested in some way. I'm struggling to make ends meet at the moment while my wife bought a new car this week and received a significant sum of money in child support from D4's bio Dad. I'm happy for for her. It's brought to light some issues for me though. Being all new and shiny, my wife wants to keep her car to herself and I understand that. That means I have to get the kids around in my car and my car isn't really big enough for three car seats. On top of that, I don't want to keep moving seats between cars. My week has largely been car research, car seat research and looking over my budget to see where I can squeeze extra dollars out. I love my car and I don't want to replace it. I found a way to get the kids around comfortably though my car is eight years old and it's highlighted that if I do start having problems with my car I won't have enough money to replace it.

I thought back to The Way of the Superior Man and how David Deida suggests to visualise where you want to be in five years. He mentioned that most people don't get where they want to be but they have a road map that guides them in that general direction. I've never had a road map. I've just glided through life. I've fallen into jobs, in and out of relationships with friends and intimate partners and I've gone with the flow. It's why I've had money and lost (spent ) it. I'm a 30 year old man working mostly with teenage girls who can't afford a new car if the one I have breaks down. I'm OK with where I'm at however it has raised some serious questions about where I see myself in ten years. Do I see myself in the same job knowing that I'm getting older, the average age of the girls I'm working with remains the same and I could feasibly employ my eldest daughter by that time? Do I see myself driving my current car and dealing with problems when they arise or do I figure out what I see myself in and adjust my financial position so I can afford what I want when the time arises?

It's been a thought provoking week indeed. It's really made me focus on the kids and I and leave my wife to her own devices. I'm sure she still wants her own space with me living somewhere else. I'm focused on getting my financial position in order while remaining true to what I want (maintaining my family unit) without actively pursuing it. I do need to do some more deep thinking and start writing down what I want in life and build my own road map.

[Barrybran]

Well another weekend is in the books and what an uneventful one it was. I felt lonely last night for the first time in a while. I had a pretty low key night at work and when I got home I felt like going out. Problem is the only place to go was the pub and I didn't feel up to going to the pub by myself. It did highlight that as comfortable as I am with my lifestyle, I do need an outlet. I honestly don't know how I'm going to meet people in this town outside of work. All I know is that I need to find a social outlet. I'll pick up the local paper tomorrow and see what's (not) in there

Part of not feeling like going out was the fact I started work at 6am this morning. Today's shift was quite enjoyable. There was a constant flow of customers without being busy and the girl I worked with today is quite chatty which was nice. I came home after work and my wife appeared to be in a bit of a mood so I steered clear of her and hung out with the kids. A short while later, my wife washed her car and I called my Mum to wish her a happy Mother's Day instead of offering to help my wife. As I was chatting with my Mum, I noticed my wife couldn't reach the top of her car so I went and washed it for her without asking if I could help. My wife made a few comments about things she needed so she could reach the top herself next time. I ignored the comments and continued washing and rinsing her car as I chatted with my Mum. After I finished talking with my Mum my wife started chamoising her car and as she had not used a chamois before, I offered to help this time. She took me up on it and wound up chatting with me a little.

I was surprised by something that happened at dinner. My wife has to work all day on the day of my son's birthday and we hadn't discussed what we were going to do for it. I figured she'd bring it up at some point and that the plan would involve celebrating it later in the week while I did something small with him on the night of his birthday. My wife told me she'd organised for family friends to pick the kids up so they can celebrate with him. I told my wife that I would be home to celebrate with our son, that the family friends were more than welcome to come and join us that night if they wished and that I would like their phone number so I can arrange this. I was expecting a fight or nasty comment and my wife left it alone. She's been cold with me to the point that we can walk past each other at home without acknowledging the other's presence so it's not like this is a positive sign. It is very different behaviour to normal for her though. Either way, I'll arrange the night of my son's birthday and my wife will sort out the proper celebration for later in the week. My birthday is the same week so that should be an interesting week.

I've also had more thoughts about what I want my life to look like and it's throwing up more questions than it's answering. I don't have enough money to do the things I want to do so I have some deciding, juggling and potentially waiting to do. I'm definitely far away from where I want to be.

[Lostforwords]

B,

I think you are finally starting to get it....One of the keys to life in my opinion is finding personal balance. A big part of starting to find this balance is a lot of unanswered questions. The answers will come, but first you have to start asking yourself the questions.

Some answers you look for will come quickly, some answers will change, and some will be very elusive. You will find your answers based upon your core values and principles....and those are based on your core and what you believe is right and good.

Be the changes you want to see in the world B.....be the changes.

[Barrybran]

Yeah I feel like I am. It probably doesn't help that it's taken the shock of potentially needing a new car to finally understand I need to get my own side of the street in order. It's a wake up call (getting used to these ) nonetheless.

[Barrybran]

Well tonight is an interesting night. The Federal Government handed down their 2014-2015 budget and there are cuts galore. Our government spent their way through the GFC and Australia was the only nation in the world to avoid recession. To achieve this, our then-Government spent a record sum of money, taking us from a record $20b surplus to a record $30b deficit. For a nation of 23 million people, this is a huge sum to make up. Noone cared though because the good times rolled on and everyone received $900 from the Government if they'd submitted a tax return in the qualifying period. Six years later, the effects are finally being felt.

Most reactions I've seen on Facebook since the budget was handed down, including that of my wife, are negative and/or outraged. I'm actually a fan of the budget. As much as I like America, there is a fundamental flaw in monetary policy when one side of government can hold the other side to ransom by shutting down congress with the threat of defaulting on interest payments and then resolving these potential defaults not by paying off debt but by changing the figures. It's gonna sting for a while but it'll be better for my kids and grandkids. For many people my age or younger, it'll be their first experience of hardship and even then, it's hardship in the first world. It's not like people will starve or become homeless; just that people may have to rent a three bedroom house instead of the four-bedroom house they've become accustomed to.

So that was a fairly long preamble. This can affect me in a huge way. Firstly, I've been considering for a while now whether to return to university or not. I already have a business degree that has gone to waste and I don't want to accrue another large debt for a degree that doesn't get used. Part of the Government's budget tonight however is the deregulation of higher education fees meaning universities will be able to set their own fees. In other words, it pays for me to get my butt into gear and knock out as much of a degree as possible before the deregulation occurs.

The second interesting part is how it affect my wife's family payments. All of our Government support payments go to her. I could claim a portion and I've considered doing so. I feel it would create more problems than it would solve, even though I would be acting for myself and my kids. In a nutshell, the kids are getting fed, I can live off my portion, my wife is happy, so why rock the boat? The Government plans to freeze family support payments and lower the thresholds which affects our situation in two ways: 1) Our combined incomes would be above the threshold for receiving Government support, particularly for childcare. Remaining separated would lower each of our incomes and therefore we'd qualify for support; and 2) conversely, freezing her payments would mean less disposable income each tax year making it harder to support herself in her own house, if she were to move out on her own. Of course, you don't enter into relationships for what you can get out of them financially. It will no doubt enter her mind if we get to a point where her feelings about me change. It came up when we got back together last time and money is a lot tighter this time.

I don't really care how it affects my wife's finances. I'm committed to this marriage even though it's on the backburner and I am focused on myself and the kids right now. The uni part is a definite spanner in the works as I've thought recently about whether I see myself at Subway as a 50-year-old man working with teenage girls and I can't honestly say that I do. That means I need to move in a different direction, even if I stay with Subway for 10 years, and the Government may have inadvertently pushed me. Of course, more study means less free time, less disposable income and more stress. It'll also be relatively short term and really allow me to focus on me.

I guess I'll be emailing the university again tomorrow.

[Ggrass]

The function I went to sat night meant I was talking to members of the liberal party, it's was interesting. Hearing them talk, but we do need to as a country need to live within our means. I'm a believer in it, I have had to do it all my life and have achieved some great stuff, I'm often called lucky.

Yes lucky I saved all the extra money the government gave me towards my house. Tough times are coming my friend, maybe Barry, you need to think about owning that shop rather than being the employee.

[Barrybran]

I spent all my money! That's why I'm considering going back to uni. I'd love to have been a fly on the wall at that event. I respected that Labor was prepared to spend during the GFC, however I was instantly worried when they revealed how much they were planning to spend. This day was coming. I'm a Liberal voter, I voted for the current Government, I support the budget and it's gonna hurt. It has to be done though. We can't keep living in a credit society and expect things to continue on their merry ways.