hope456 - accepting my new reality

[hope456]

Do you think it will still be useful for me to get a DB coach? I'm not sure if he's too far gone that it couldn't make a difference.

What does that mean?

You have no control over H. Do you think you're where you need to be?

I don't think my question was as clear as it could have been. I recognize that I have work to do. That's something that I will work on with an IC and on my own. I don't feel I need to spend the money on a DB coach for that. I guess what I'm asking is if I'm too far into my situation to make hiring a DB coach useless in helping to save my M.

[hope456]

Clearly, I'm fighting acceptance.

It will come, you cant force it (believe me I tried lol!) - remember this is a process, just go with the emotions you feel and trust that you'll end up where you are supposed to be.

You don't have to accept that its over forever, you dont have to accept that you'll end up divorced, the only thing you need to accept is that RIGHT NOW you & your H are separated and you need to live your life according to that - none of us know what tomorrow will bring so we can only deal with right now.

You're right. I really have to focus on right now, this minute, instead of, say, how I'm going to introduce another man to my daughter someday. Oh, and where in the world I'm going to meet him. I get way ahead of myself really quickly.

[25yearsmlc]

Before I say anything else, I say YES GET A DB COACH!

Without my DB coach, I am 100% I would be divorced...

so now, I'll go back to reading the rest of the thread.

But no, I don't think it's too late. I have 2 family members who divorced and remarried their exes. The cost of the coaching is a lot less than a divorce

and even if they don't help you save the m, they'll save you heartache.

(What is money for, if not that?)

[25yearsmlc]

Finished reading your thread and have very little to add.

**SIDENOTE: (( FWIW, I believe Matt's point about his wife leaving and seeming to do a lot of what her father did to her family, was well made. A lot of childhood family traumas are replayed in some form, IMO, b/c the underlying issues were never examined or resolved and thus the child becomes an adult who never understands the reason for any of the pain he/she felt as a child, but fears it...and sometimes our fears end up bringing about the very thing we most fear.
For example, think of jealous guys who get really possessive of their girlfriends and FEAR that the gf will find OM. They can become so insecure and obnoxious about it, they emotionally push their women into the arms of OM, and to them, this PROVES that their fears were well founded,

INSTEAD of seeing how they let their fears affect their ability to love freely and to receive love without skepticism, so their fear really did bring about the very event they so dreaded!))**

Anyway,
The DB coach I had also helped me as a parent at the time. It was not solely about the m but about me as well.

From the DB coach I had, I gained a sense of peace that I knew I had done everything in my power to save my marriage. I knew that if I ever made a tactical error in that effort, at least that's what it was, not an intent to hurt anyone.
I did nothing punitive or retaliatory once I had my DB coach, so I have a lot fewer regrets than I would have had otherwise.

But heck yes, I made mistakes.

IF I knew then what I know now, I would have stopped asking "WHY??" and "How can you do this??" a LOT sooner, and instead,

would have focussed solely on my own work, GAL and my children's welfare.

I'd have put ALL of my energy into creating a new fulfilling life as a single mom with 3 great kids, and figuring out how I'd make my career work or change if needed, so that the kids would have me as present as possible, and I'd have "released" my h sooner.

No more arguments about his choices or selfishness, which never produced a positive result, ever...not even one. I wish I'd just focussed on ME and MY KIDS...
I say this^^ b/c I wasted, and I mean,

I WASTED a YEAR of my precious life and my children's precious lives, asking questions that have NO satisfactory useful answers, labeling him as a "MLC" versus "WAH" (as if that matters) and trying to figure out what my h was thinking/feeling/doing,

instead of what I was going to do to be happy.

[Roberta]

No. It's never too late for a Divorce Busting Coach to help guide you through all the possible stages of your relationship.
Call me to discuss our program. 303-444-7004

[hope456]

Thank you for all the advice, 25. I am going to purchase a package of sessions from a DB coach. I will be doing that next week. I think I could really use the help.

I had a couple of interactions with my H today. He texted me a screen shot of a level he was trying to beat on Candy Crush that was making him mad. I responded with "That's the tough one I told you about. It's totally doable though." He sent another message in response, but I didn't answer that one. Later in the afternoon, he called, but I was busy at work, so I didn't call him back until about an hour later. He said he was just calling to say "hi" and to see if I was still loving my new car. I was very casual and told him that I did and was really happy with it.

Then, I called him on my way to pick up D7 and asked if we could discuss a couple of things about the schedule. First, I wanted to ask him if I could have her at least part of next weekend because my mom is coming to visit. He agreed that we could switch some days around to make that work. I told him that I'd also like to discuss the schedule more generally because of D7's comments that suggest it wasn't working for her. He started to go on the defensive and said we can talk about whatever but that the paperwork has to say 50/50. I said that I was not making a suggestion about changing the percentages; I just wanted us to discuss the situation to see if we could come up with a better solution together. I suggested that we talk later (on Sunday) so that he had time to think about it. He said he just wanted to talk about it now and asked what my ideas were. I suggested two alternatives, but told him that I was open to other options:

Option A: Try a week-on/week-off schedule to see if D7 finds that less confusing. He knows that I'm not fond of this idea from previous conversations, but I told him that I would be willing to do it if it worked better for our D.

Option B: Continue with a 2-2-5 schedule, but be more consistent about it. I was very careful not to blame him AT ALL. I told him that I thought we both could be flexible enough to handle things that came up (work events, etc.), but that it was probably better if we made our own plans around the parenting schedule instead of making the parenting schedule around our plans. We've literally had a change in the schedule every single week since H moved out. It's usually because he has other plans, but I didn't say that. When complaining about the schedule, D7 mentioned that sometimes Daddy doesn't have her because he has something important to do. Yesterday, I was talking to my sister on the phone and my D got upset because she wanted to talk to me. She said something about me talking to someone who is more important than she was. I immediately cut off the conversation with my sister. I told H about both cases, where she said it about him and where she said it about me. He seemed completely understanding the whole time. I suggested that if we went with this alternative that we get D7 a calendar and clearly mark which days she was going to be where for several weeks in advance so that it is less confusing for her. That's an idea I read on another thread a while back (I think gabbysmom suggested it) and thought was really good.

I asked H to get back to me after he had time to think about it and let me know if he liked one of those options or if he thought of something else. He said that he would.

Then, he said something along the lines of this:

I want to say something. I want to tell you how much appreciate how great you've been the past couple of days. It's really helped me a lot. I know how hard this is for you.

I said:

Thank you. I'm not really sure what I did, but thank you for noticing.

He said:

You've just been a friend. I was really missing that and I'm glad to have it back.

The conversation kind of ended on that note. I was a total mess on Tuesday when he told me, but I really haven't been where he can see/hear it since then. I am really proud of how I handled the schedule conversation. It was completely different for what I normally would have done, which is make a decision and tell him what it was and be closed-minded to any other suggestions (not great, I know).

[labug]

I WASTED a YEAR of my precious life and my children's precious lives, asking questions that have NO satisfactory useful answers, labeling him as a "MLC" versus "WAH" (as if that matters) and trying to figure out what my h was thinking/feeling/doing,

instead of what I was going to do to be happy.

Just want to highlight this.

All the advice you need is right there.

Let go, live your life and let time do its work.

[hope456]

Right after BD, I struggled a lot with feelings of not being good enough. What is so bad about me that my H thinks that breaking apart our family, missing out on 50% of the time with our D, taking our D away from me for the other 50% of the time, and struggling financially (him, not me) is a better option? After a while I got over those feelings. Or so I thought. They are back again, big time. I know that I have abandonment issues from my childhood and my H leaving me (twice now) certainly hasn't helped them. I'm thinking a lot about why I'm not good enough for people to want to love me. I'm kind and intelligent and caring and attractive and loyal and so many other good things. But I'm still not good enough for him to TRY to fix our marriage. I'm honestly not sure if I can get over this to consider R if he goes through with a D. How am I supposed to subject myself to this yet again?

Enough of that...I've made myself a promise to try to focus on at least one positive thing every time I post. I've got two. I forgot to mention yesterday that I met my D at her school at lunchtime for a Mother's Day event they were having. It was a lot of fun and she was so happy that I was there. Today, I spent the day at a women's event at church. It was a really great event. I go to a big church, so I don't know everyone. I met a few women who were really sweet and invited me to join their care group. We had an exercise where we were supposed to talk about our struggles, so I shared that my H told me on Tuesday that he wanted a D. I teared up, but did not cry or break down. They were understanding and didn't seem judgmental at all. It helped a bit to share with a stranger.

[Upwards]

I'm kind and intelligent and caring and attractive and loyal and so many other good things.

^^^ THIS is the truth, this is who you are, if people around you dont see or value that then that is THEIR issue and not yours - remember your worth!

But I'm still not good enough for him to TRY to fix our marriage.

I promise you it isnt about you, its about HIM and how he feels about himself. What he's done is a reflection on him and the type of person he is right now, please try to get out of the mindset that its personal because it really isnt.

I've made myself a promise to try to focus on at least one positive thing every time I post.

Fantastic idea, its so easy to become consumed in the negatives when we're having a difficult time in life but there is always a positive in every situation - the positive for me right now is that although i've lost my relationship, i've found myself and that really is priceless

[hope456]

Thank you Upwards. Sometimes, I get it. Others...not so much.

D7 had a really rough night. It started out well. She had a great time playing with the kids in the neighborhood. After it was dark (we let the kids play late on the weekends), she started getting really anxious and near tears. I asked her what was wrong and she mentioned a few things: she was scared of the dark, one of her friends wasn't playing what she wanted to play, and she was scared of Edward Scissorhands. Last night, she went across the street to the neighbor's house to play with a friend. Apparently, the parents were watching Edward Scissorhands. D7 didn't see much of it, but told me that she was very scared and that she was afraid he was going to get her. I explained to her that he wasn't real and that if she had seen the whole movie she would know that he was really nice and that it was a lesson in not judging a book by its cover. (Side note: D7 will not be having playdates at that house again.)

When we came inside to get ready for bed, I heard D7 crying in the shower. I came to ask her what was wrong and she reiterated that she was scared. Then she said, "I just don't want to do anything anymore." I asked her what she meant by that and she said she didn't know. The statement freaked me out a lot. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about. She said no, but then told me that her stomach didn't feel well. I asked what she meant and she told me that it felt like it was turned upside down. She has had seemingly anxiety-related stomach issues before. I realize that some of this stuff is typical childhood fears and that it may not be related to our situation at all, but it seems like more than just normal kid stuff and I think it is a good idea to take her to see a therapist. I started doing research on child therapists in our area. I also asked my sister (the family law attorney) to ask around at her firm because they regularly deal with them.

So, now, how do I bring it up to my H? He has said before that I overreact. I think he underreacts. Any thoughts?

A positive: I talked to D7 for awhile about her fears and reassured her. I left an extra light on for her and lay down with her in her bed for a few minutes. After we talked for a bit, she gave me a hug and said, "Mommy makes me feel better." I know that I'm a good mom. I know that my D loves me and, more importantly, that she knows that I love her. That's important. It is what matters. I need to keep my focus there.