Hi Read your question about the coach. I tnink she helps me. She keeps me feeling positive tnough if you read my current posts you would wonder but it is just extra tough at the moment forme.. I see a consellor and also write on another forum. Tney both say your marriage is over he has no interest in the marriage, accept, look after you etc.. all done and said with my interests at heart. The coach helps me see that it is not quite so black and white that he is conflicted..that there are some positive interactions and how to avoid the negative ones..
I need to hear the message of hope at the moment. I need to hear it might be ok some days I wonder will it or does it make it all, harder..but he even says most of the marriage was good! Won't discuss it at all ..but says that sort of thing when not stressed..
I guess it is your perspective and what you need.. seems like most people advise move on and give up...I am not there yet.. Our timelines are similar maybe you are not there yet either..
It sounds as though your doing everything you can to support your D7, it's heartbreaking to see them so upset isn't it.
This book is fantastic & was recommended to us by a psychologist, it will probably really help your D to feel about to talk about the worries she has "in her bag" like the child in the story.
Thank you Upwards. Sometimes, I get it. Others...not so much.
D7 had a really rough night. It started out well. She had a great time playing with the kids in the neighborhood. After it was dark (we let the kids play late on the weekends), she started getting really anxious and near tears. I asked her what was wrong and she mentioned a few things: she was scared of the dark, one of her friends wasn't playing what she wanted to play, and she was scared of Edward Scissorhands. Last night, she went across the street to the neighbor's house to play with a friend. Apparently, the parents were watching Edward Scissorhands. D7 didn't see much of it, but told me that she was very scared and that she was afraid he was going to get her. I explained to her that he wasn't real and that if she had seen the whole movie she would know that he was really nice and that it was a lesson in not judging a book by its cover. (Side note: D7 will not be having playdates at that house again.)
When we came inside to get ready for bed, I heard D7 crying in the shower. I came to ask her what was wrong and she reiterated that she was scared. Then she said, "I just don't want to do anything anymore." I asked her what she meant by that and she said she didn't know. The statement freaked me out a lot. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to talk about. She said no, but then told me that her stomach didn't feel well. I asked what she meant and she told me that it felt like it was turned upside down. She has had seemingly anxiety-related stomach issues before. I realize that some of this stuff is typical childhood fears and that it may not be related to our situation at all, but it seems like more than just normal kid stuff and I think it is a good idea to take her to see a therapist. I started doing research on child therapists in our area. I also asked my sister (the family law attorney) to ask around at her firm because they regularly deal with them.
So, now, how do I bring it up to my H? He has said before that I overreact. I think he underreacts. Any thoughts?
A positive: I talked to D7 for awhile about her fears and reassured her. I left an extra light on for her and lay down with her in her bed for a few minutes. After we talked for a bit, she gave me a hug and said, "Mommy makes me feel better." I know that I'm a good mom. I know that my D loves me and, more importantly, that she knows that I love her. That's important. It is what matters. I need to keep my focus there.
You're living with her, and she's sharing these things with you. Your H isn't seeing what you're seeing or hearing what you're hearing. If you feel you and she need help navigating this, do it. Would it be any different if she was running a fever at your house?
I know you're questioning yourself a lot right now, we all do. Don't let what your husband thinks of you right now become what you think of you.
You're not responsible for his deficits. This is at the heart of detachment. He can say what he says, think what he thinks but it doesn't have to affect you.
Hang in there, it get's better.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Here, you wrote: A positive: I talked to D7 for awhile about her fears and reassured her. I left an extra light on for her and lay down with her in her bed for a few minutes. After we talked for a bit, she gave me a hug and said, "Mommy makes me feel better." I know that I'm a good mom. I know that my D loves me and, more importantly, that she knows that I love her. That's important. It is what matters. I need to keep my focus there. _________________________
THIS^^^ is crucial for you to KNOW and take in, fully. This cannot be overly stressed. At the BD and h leaving times (there were really two, first when he went off to get yet another career credential and acted as if was "up the road at school", which meant a fellowship 300 miles "up the road". Secondly, after getting it, he went to Alaska to "just check out a job", for a YEAR...
Lots of limbo and uncertainty for our children, (mainly our 2 Ds b/c son was in college already).
I told my then 8 y/o d, that "whatever happens, [her] happiness was what I would use as my guide. I'd do what I believed would ultimately make HER happiest"
this ^^ seemed to comfort her. When she'd ask if we were going to get a D, I said what the PhD told me to say
"I sure hope not, b/c your dad & I have loved each other a long time" AND OR
"I hope not b/c we've had a great marriage at times, which is why WE are working on it"
ALWAYS FOLLOWED BY a true, positive thing, which was/is: "Your dad loves you and would kill or die for you." MAINLY I said that. A few times I had to add an "explanation" for the unexplainable, like how can he live so far way from us and say he loves us??
"But he thinks he has a 'mission' up there, so he feels a 'need' to check it out"...
Hope this helps...
Knowing she is loved, truly, helps. More later...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you lou, Upwards, labug, and 25. Helping my D cope is my number one priority right now. Upwards - I appreciate the book recommendation. I ordered it tonight, so should have it in a couple of days.
My D and I had a great day together. We went to church this morning. We came home and had lunch and then listened to music and danced around the house. We made bracelets. We met my sister and niece in the afternoon at the movie theatre and watched Rio 2. After dinner, we watched Charlotte's Web (the version with Dakota Fanning). It was a really low-key day, but the kind that we both love.
It's funny how sometimes we can hear exactly what we need to hear from the most unlikely places. There's a part in Charlotte's Web where Wilbur is fretting over whether he will win first prize at the county fair (which would save him from a trip to the smokehouse). The following exchange takes place between Wilbur and Charlotte.
Wilbur: Should I be worried?
Charlotte: Of course not. What good would that do?
How true is that? Worry doesn't do anything for us, other than create unnecessary stress. Worry is one of the things that sometimes prevents me from being present in the little moments that really matter. I will say I was very present today. I was determined to have an awesome day with my D and we did.
So, H...He took D7 to get me a card yesterday and picked one out from himself, too. The one from him said:
Nothing is better than laughing and sharing with you. Whether we're face to face, on the phone, or even just on each other's minds...It's so nice to know we're always there for each other with smiles and love to share. Happy Mother's Day.
Hope - I love you. Happy Mother's Day. -H
I didn't cry when reading the card today, which is improvement. I cried A LOT when he gave me a really sentimental card for Valentine's Day. He's made it very clear that he loves me. He just isn't "in love" and can't get back there. I didn't hear from last night. Today, he called twice when we were in the movie and then texted twice. Once to let me know he was on his way back from out of town and once to wish me a happy Mother's Day. I returned his call when we left the movie and he seemed to just want to make small talk, so I let him know the D7 and I had things to do and got off the phone. I was friendly and positive the whole time. He came to pick up his truck tonight while D7 and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie; he still has a key, so he let himself in. She got up and ran over to him, but I stayed where I was. He asked me to come give him a hug, so I did. He only stayed for a minute and then left. I followed him to the door just so that I could lock it. As I was closing it, he stopped me and then proceeded to tell me a story about an angry driver he encountered while riding his motorcycle. I agreed with him that the guy was a jerk. That is different for me. Usually, I'll ask a question like, "Well, did you cut him off?" H has said (not since BD, but a while back) that I'm never on his side. So, I was on his side. The whole time he was here, I kept a PMA and acted like nothing was bothering me at all.
Need some advice here: Tonight, D7 was talking about how much more comfortable our other couch was (the one H took). I told her that I was ordering a new couch for that room and it would be here soon. She said, "But Daddy's coming back in 4 months," which is the same thing she said last week. I asked her again why she thinks that. She reiterated that Daddy told her that. I asked her when and she said she didn't know but not that long ago. I was able to get away from the conversation with her for now, but I think she needs to know soon. I'm trying to wait because she is about to have a second round of testing for the gifted program at school. She barely missed on the first round (which occurred 2-3 weeks after H moved out), so I was able to appeal to the school for a second round due to circumstances. I'm not sure yet when that testing will be scheduled, but I don't want to create additional stress for her before that if it can be avoided. Here's my question: Do I tell H that she mentioned again that he was coming back in 4 months? I think that I can do it calmly and without emotion. However, when I told him last week about the first time she said it, he got defensive and then had to get off the phone to "process" what she said. I'm not sure that anything constructive will come from the conversation. I could be wrong, though. We were able to have a good conversation about the schedule late last week.
Happy Mother's Day again. You're a wonderful mother, probably one of the best I have ever met. I'm so proud of the work you do with D7 and all the great things you bring to her life.
I just responded, Thank you!
I am grateful that he still has respect for me in that regard.
Happy Mother's Day again. You're a wonderful mother, probably one of the best I have ever met. I'm so proud of the work you do with D7 and all the great things you bring to her life. I just responded, Thank you!
I am grateful that he still has respect for me in that regard.
No doubt he does respect and love your mothering of your/his child.
Not so random--Question: What's his r with his mother, like? I ask b/c He's repeatedly expressed his not being "in love" with you and if the r he has with his mom is fairly healthy or normal, then I'd say you simply need for him to see you as a sensuous woman who is desirable. (IOW, if there are some "deep/odd" issues between his mother and him, that may require different tools).
But assuming a relatively normal mother son r, and your h says he's "Not In Love" with you, that MAY require some competition, and or the pride that comes with having "landed the trophy" or catch of the year.
Men/women surveyed were asked
which two traits were most valuable to them, in a mate.
Men said "attraction" (includes how other men see their mates, hence the term "trophy") & "peace in the home", (which seemed to mean no nagging/carping).
Women most valued Security (physical safety & protection, & Financial--a roof over their head and food in the kitchen and the doors lock?? This is particularly true when there are children) and 2) Fidelity, (self explanatory, I think).
Sooo, back to your Mystery Sparks...
What are your GAL activities? I'm asking for a reason.
Are any of the GAL you are doing/planning, NOT about being a parent or in a group of moms? See where I"m going with this?? You need to be a woman only a fool would leave.
In your case, what I am hearing is your h cares for you in a deep friendship type of way, but that's not marriage material unless both parties agree. That's not the case here. He needs to worry about losing you, which would come about either by you being distant with him, (which can be seen as punitive, Unless it's pulled off well w/PMA), AND OR by the attention of OM...or the idea of it, sinking in...
Make sense?
Think about that, (but obviously, do not SAY anything to your h about dating....
HOWEVER, IF HE asks you about your social life, re: your GAL or "with who??" types of questions, do not be rude or act offended, but be vague and brief, and if pressed, go with being playful and laugh it off, but even still, Do NOT divulge too much. Nothing specific, and he "Doesn't know them", or "a group of..." answers are fine. He wants some sparks. And perhaps some mystery.
So, What are his Love Languages? If you are not familiar with it, there is a book about how we each GIVE love and how we each RECEIVE love, which are often not the same. I may show love by giving compliments, but do not take words of affirmation well...or don't "really hear" them, etc. Perhaps I really want time with someone, attention from them, so my "love language would be "quality time"... So I think the book "Five Love Languages" is well worth reading and reflecting upon (skimming it makes it seem obvious and superficial, but it's more subtle /complex than that. Besides, once you use those tools, you can improve the r you have with your h, regardless of his later choices...)
I wonder if your h wants to receive love in a way he does not give it...??
Hang in there, and remember, 1) You can turn your pain/marriage over to God for awhile, and let Him carry the load, so you can
2) Get SPARKS & MYSTERY (mystery itself tends to create a lot of sparks...)
b/c you're not just the mother of his child.
You are a DESIRABLE WOMAN, whom HE once fell in love with....hey, what was SHE like?
Good luck, things will get better, truly.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Here's my question: Do I tell H that she mentioned again that he was coming back in 4 months?
Just my two cents, but I wouldn't mention this to your H. It's likely to put him on the defensive, because he'll see it as you trying to "hold him to" or commit to that timetable. I would just keep it in the back of your head as a nice thought.
Refer your d to him if she is confused by what he told her. "Maybe you can ask daddy about that b/c I'm not sure"
Plus that is true for you anyhow. Who knows what he's doing/planning/feeling? We just know it's HIS job to express that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
