3 Months In and Feeling...More Aware

[Upwards]

How you getting on Jenn?

[JennD]

Hi Upwards. Thanks for checking in.

I'm finding, like all of us, I have okay days, and then some not so okay days. Today is one of those not so good days.

H was her last night (I went to hot yoga). We had decent non-R conversation about general stuff. Nothing specific happened, I just miss him.

I mean I'm moving forward and living my life, not stuck in the holding pattern, holding my breath. But H is someone who can make a decision and thats it. No looking back.

That being said, a new change in H's relationship with his mom has me thinking.

Growing up H was very close with his mom. He was a very sick baby and he and she had a very good relationship, until about 3 years ago. Long story short, she dealt with some familiy issues very poorly (1/2 brother with drug and legal issues) and she had major life issues as a result (bankrupt/forclosure after retiring after hiring a zillion dollar lawyer for brother, etc).

H tried to help his mom but she continued to make the bad choices and H washed his hands of her. Wouldn't talk to her, email her etc. (She lives a 4 hour plane ride away). She would reach out to him (in a limited way - thru email - never calls once she was tuned out by him). I would talk with him about the situation. And would still send photos of the kids and somewhat reach out to her.

He literally said to me that his mom is no longer the same person that he grew up with. That she was dead to him. (This was a few months before BD).

Her health was visably declining and I would try to get H to reconsider talking with her. That he needed to consider how he would feel if something were to happen to her before he working things out with her. He refused.

So forward to a month or so after BD, H's mom was scheduled to come to Canada. H tells me he emailed his mom and apologized for his behaviour and wants to see her when shes here to talk and catch up. He tells me about his IC and how he realizes that he almost has to force himself to continue to be mad at her.

Forward 3 days later, H's mom has a stroke and is not coming to Canada. (She seems to be recovering well - out of hospital and walking without a walker, but limited mobility and issues with her hand).

So he's talked to her a few times since, sent flowers for mothers day (I didnt even get a "happy mother's day" from H).

I'm not clinging to hope like I used to when BD was still fresh, but I guessI'm hoping that this is how it will go with us. That he will come aorund, but just with time.

Bet you're sorry for asking!!

[JennD]

Also, took off my engagement ring. Still wearing wedding ring. Finding it hard to wear but hard not to wear.

[Upwards]

The good days & bad days are normal, they do get easier & the bad days aren't so bad either I promise you - when I think back to just a couple of months ago I can barely imagine how I got through the days. I'm glad your moving forwards, it is a process and there is no rushing it.

I hope more than anything that your H comes round & realises what a fool he's being however in the meantime you have to keep moving forwards alone - someone told me to imagine my life as though my H had died, how would I be rebuilding it & planning for the future, it really stuck with me.

Keep moving forwards, your doing really well!

[JennD]

Thanks Upwards. I know that cycling is part of the process and that it gets easier. I just wish I could "snap out of it" and feel whole again.

I don't think I have ever hurt this much.

And to think that the person who should be there for me to support me when I need it most could stop this by just taking one step forward, but isn't, is the worst part.

I feel like H has died along with our M. So I plod along, stronger every day. But looking back often. Hurting and learning.

One thing I wonder, if H and I aren't able to reconcile, how could I ever find someone else, who will understand the new insights of relationships that I'm learning thru DB, IC and self reflections...need a DB dating line...;)

Thanks Upwards. Your kind words mean alot, when I need them most...

[Thornton]

Hi Jenn,

Just wanted to know that I can really relate to how you are feeling right now.

Hang in there.

[JennD]

25yearsmlc, I've read and re-read your last comments to me quite a few times. Thank you for your thoughts.

You are right - I have to stop challanging him - telling him his decision to leave me is wrong. All it does is get him to repeat his choice to me, reinforcing it in his own mind. The more he repeats it on his mind, the stonger it becomes.

As an extrovert, I need to be with other people for my energy. I've worked from home for more than 7 years. Isolated by choice. Not realizing it was contributing to my downward spiral into anger and negativity. And not going out with friends, making H my everything. He is an introvert and the weight of my extroverted needs were too much and unfair to dump on him.

I've learned that I was not as happy in the M as I thought I was. I mean I was never so unhappy that I would walk away. But H was not as emotionally available I needed him to be and we didn't nurture our R - always working on the house, doing everything with the kids, etc.

We as a couple were always last on our own list. I'd tell him don;t buys flowers for valentine's day, flowers die. Spend the money on tiles for the backslpash in the kitchen instead, etc.

Now I realize, its not the cost of the flowers I was doing without, it was the sentiment of what the flowers meant.

If only I had a time machine...I didn't know what I didn't know...

[JennD]

Thanks Thornton. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way too...

[Upwards]

I am SO thankful for this separation now, no word of a lie I really am because it has allowed me to find who I am again and its forced me to face up to a lot things that i've been running away from for many years. Its given me the strength and courage to face my deepest fears and its given me the confidence to be who I want to be without worrying about what other people think.

Not so long ago I was completely broken, I didnt know who I was or what I wanted from life and my only focus was somehow saving my marriage... over time I began to realise what I needed to do but I was too afraid to do it - then something clicked, what was the point in saving my marriage before fixing the problems on my side of the relationship, we would just end up back in the same position sometime in the future. It was at that point that I realised the real importance of working on myself and the foundations of what DB is all about, I changed my attitude and have flowered ever since.

I'm not in a place where if my marriage doesnt work out i'm ok with it (<< never thought I'd say that!) because I would rather me & my H find happiness apart than be unhappy together - I'm very sad & have hope that we can work things out however my life is no longer balancing on that decision and my future isnt relying on him coming back at some point.

I've let go, truly let go and a lot of peace has come with that - I'm telling you this because I was right where you are not that long ago, you can do this & I promise you there are better times ahead.

[JennD]

Upwards, your words of hope are encouraging. Its nice to see someone who can see where I am and what the raod ahead is like...thx...