22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries

[Nettles]

GG,

I'm about to read about your sitch, but just wanted to comment that I read your input on rsl's thread and thought it was great. I'll read in a bit, but based on that post alone, I think you are in a great place and I'm pulling for you.

[Nettles]

Wow GG. I think H has serious issues that aren't going to be solved by this forum, or any books. It requires hard core therapy. I know this doesn't help you. But reading what you've written, I know you are someone who can make it through this.

I wish I could offer more, but I can't. Keep posting and being you GG. I'm sending prayers and good karma your way.

[2BHappy]

Sounds like you have a good plan and things are a lil better, which is always good.

I also feel better GAL and going dim, my H still in house, H says its best for our son, and he said he wants to help out with bills etc.

We all want the M to get better, but whatever the outcome as long as we a better people, it will be ok.

[GoatGal]

Thanks Nettles and 2BHappy.


I am doing everything I can to slow this process down.
I need time to figure out future plans, and I think he needs time and space to figure out whether or not he wants to deal with his issues.

Yes. He needs serious therapy. I didn't realize until BD how bad his issues really are.

I believe he knows this but he wouldn't be the first to decide to run away instead of being brave enough to finally face his demons.

They won't magically disappear along with our marriage, that's for sure.
I'm afraid he's going to learn this the hard way when there's no going back.

I am a strong person, and I will survive.
But, damn, this is hard.

--GG

[GoatGal]

Two steps forward and one step back...

So after good progress and good teamwork yesterday and a good track record with calls and texts, he has been completely MIA since he left here yesterday evening.
This pattern has happened before when we started to get a little closer, so I'm just going to back way off for awhile.

For him, working together is very bonding and we've had to do a lot of that lately.
Yesterday we worked together hard for about two hours.

However, I smelled alcohol on his breath when he got here and mentioned it casually. (He denied. I know he lied, he'd had to stop at the liquor store "for a friend's birthday" BEFORE he came here after work. I was waiting for him; it made more sense to go after we were done, so I know he got something before he came.)

I found myself wondering "why?" but stopped myself.
Who knows? Who CARES?

This is now what I tell myself.
It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with what's going on inside him.


I am trying not to get peeved that he has blatantly ignored my text from last night. For 16 hours...
So he does. So he will.
So he has problems.

I did nothing wrong. He's just being weird.
It's his problem, not mine!

With that, I'm using my "phone a friend" lifeline.

When he gets here tonight, I'll be out with the girls...or the boys!

: )

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

(No, no funny stuff...no romance or dating.
Just my regular dancer crowd. All good clean fun but it doesn't hurt that some of them are easy on the eyes, sweet, and attentive! And dancing is such good exercise; thereby fulfilling another daily goal. Sweet!)

[owl777]

Wow. Hang in there. Go dancing and have fun. I'm giving you advice I do not take from others. Go to ALANON if his drinking bothers you. That works. Long time member and wonderful support group.

[Italian]

Ehehe, I found a good pic that illustrates the point... hope it makes you smile

http://sp4.fotolog.com/photo/4/57/38/deadwomanwriting/1262395394911_f.jpg

[Underdog]

Hey Goat Gal,

I saw your post in the other forum and it compelled me to stop in and see if you were here. Very interesting things you've shared. And I see a couple folks have already said what I was thinking when I read too (thanks Nettles for saying it first).

First off, I don't think you sounded angry on your first post. I saw it as a factual account of how things played out. You'd have to be a robot not to have some emotion as you wrote. But I detect a sense of humor underneath it all, and I hope you give it center stage - because it will certainly help.

You've certainly given enough material for me to start pointing stuff out at you. But since Nettles said it first, I'm gonna drive that hammer home. Your H has more issues than a magazine rack at 7-11, and those issues are NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Indirectly they affect you, but since you didn't cause them, you can't fix them. The only thing you *can* do is move forward and quit looking at his car wreck.

What I am going to point out here is this:

I realized my top one is physical touch, and realized that I have never had that need met in this relationship.
Sad.

Okay. This comment is big and bold enough for me to leave it alone for a moment and go right for the jugular. Since you're in IC and you're making progress, can you explore this with her a bit? What I would think would be helpful is for you to understand why you were willing to forgo that very important need to your detriment. Because it's not okay.

In fact, my suggestion is going to be a little more radical, but it won't hurt or get in the way unless you put yourself in the way. Keep going with your communications. But I'd much rather see you focus solely on YOU in therapy, Goat Gal - not focusing on your M first. For 22 years, his inability/unwillingness to deal with his issues has sort of conditioned you to be okay with accepting whatever crumbs he's thrown at you. You sound like a wonderful woman. We're nearly the same age, and I'm pretty sure if I met you IRL, I'd think you were fun and a hoot and someone worth getting to know. So...

How do YOU feel about you and the choices you've made and the needs you elected not to get met or even address?

I have to say I'm really proud of you for doing something someone who's neglected her needs for so long rarely does: you established and enforced a boundary (threw his a$$ out). Please don't beat yourself up over that. You can successfully DB while living separately. In my case, being separated helped me to learn a much more effective way to communicate. I made the most of every single opportunity.

But again, I honestly believe that you would do yourself a favor to spend more time focusing on what issues you might have that you want to change (FOR YOU) and what kind of life you want to create for yourself for the next 40-50 years. I realize you've been married to him for 22 years, but think about it. Do you really want a man who chooses porn over someone who is live and willing? (p.s. That's not about sex, ya know. It's about someone who can't allow intimacy for some reason.) That's a barrel of monkeys that would take a qualified therapist a long time to work through, even with a patient who is 110% committed to getting better. And until he's ready to confront those demons, he's not there. And ergo, the only thing you can do is to continue to be supportive, but detach and create the life YOU WANT from this point forward.

Am I making any sense? Sometimes I feel like a crazy woman myself. I'm blaming it on being menopausal.

Okay, off to Costco with my D20. I'll try to come back later and see how you're faring.

Hugs-
Betsey

[Nettles]

Talk to us GG.

[GoatGal]

Well, I TOTALLY SCREWED UP!!!!

I'm in a bit of a panic here.


It was a moment of weakness, no sleep, total anxiety---not that that's any excuse, but I've held it together really well now for 12 weeks and saw some dramatic improvements.

But last weekend I had a moment of panic. My H is staying with a friend and supposedly "doesn't get texts" when he is there, (true, lots of the time, coverage is spotty) and I'd been out that night, and usually text him to let him know I got home safely.


Well, I did, and got no response. At all.

I was curious about whether or not he was actually receiving these texts (TRUE!) and just not responding (that's where the snooping came in) so I logged onto our joint phone account to see if they had been marked "received". I honestly was not looking for anything else. And they had been.

BUT---while I was there, I saw late-night text sessions (albeit brief) with a woman I know to be a co-worker, who works in the same department as his former OW...


I didn't do anything at first, just thought about it. "What could be a legit reason why they'd be texting beginning at 10 PM until after 1 AM?" This was happening on Friday and Saturday nights when he was away visiting a sick friend, (TRUE). But those same nights he was all "I"m so tired.... gotta sleep", and then he's texting her. Maybe only 5-6 exchanges and he's not much for writing, so it could be for work. Maybe.

Second Huge Mistake: I then graduated to checking his CALLS to/from her. Those were few, only 1-2 minutes. I tried not to panic. I held myself in control for hours... until he finally responded to my text about whether or not he got it--with:
"Y".

"Y"????

I don't know. I lost it.

I said I "guess we were paying by the letter... and that only important people must get the late night texts"... paraphrasing.

He said "What do you mean? I texted you at 2 AM". Which was true, it only showed up much later due to the bad cell zone.

I said "The Woman's Name".
"I see you've been texting her late and night when supposedly you can't be bothered to see if I'm alive or dead.
I don't care who you get involved with, but it's inappropriate to be texting back and forth with female employees at that hour and you know it.
If you cross the line again, you're going to get fired and I am dependent on your income, etc."

He texts back "NOT AN EMPLOYEE".

Blatant LIE.
AGAIN.

And why? If he was not doing anything inappropriate?

He's lucky he didn't get fired the first time around and that the damage was minimal.

Anyhow... that lie is what I allowed myself to react to in a terrible way and boy do I regret it.

I thought perhaps she was NOT an employee as I'd believed, and so I CALLED HER.