When H first left I was very forthcoming about my role and responsibilty in our sitch. I apologized and took ownership. But now, months later, I have even more insights. (Something occurred to me during our mediation meeting, and other things I've realized since our S).
We haven't talked about our R since at least mid-Feb. When, if ever, might it be appropriate to bring up the new insights I've had about what went wrong (and what I would do differently?) Maybe y'all need more details to give me an answer, but I would love some thoughts. I am so tempted to reach out.
It's so bizarre-- he is in a rush to get the home appraised so we can deal with that, and figure out financials-- and he thinks we need a mediator for that... but the parenting plan we should be able to just figure out ad hoc over email? *blink* *blink blink*. Words of wisdom appreciated...
First, read Crimson's latest threads if you want to see how, even with a court ordered plan, custody can get sticky. Being different doesn't mean you back down on your rights as a parent. I don't have personal experience with this but it seems that most people do better with a set plan and exercising flexibility when possible.
Your child is very young. Her needs are going to be different now than a 6 or 8 or 10yr old.
About the insights, ask yourself why you would want to bring them up. What is your motive?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
About the insights, ask yourself why you would want to bring them up. What is your motive?
Great question. When he left, he kept saying that I " just didn't understand". All he could hear from me was blame and anger. I want to reiterate and validate, now that things have calmed down a bit, that I have reflected and better understand my role and how my actions affected him and our relationship. Not necessarily to win him back, but to show that I'm moving forward and growing and not holding on to the anger I had a while ago.
Because even if we get a D, we will still have to communicate and collaborate a LOT over the next 18 years or so. I want him to see that I have a better sense of why we often misinterpreted each other. The one that came up the other day felt like a biggie to me. It was just this eye-opener of how we perceived the same situation so differently. I've been complaining that he could never see my perspective... but perhaps I didn't do a great job of understanding his either.
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I agree with labug about the parenting plan. Hopefully flexability will work out for both, but if not you have a default plan. My H lives in another city so I am at the whim of his schedule, and I will be as flexable as I can because that is best for my kids. But, if it becomes unreasonable, I will have the default.
M45 H46 M16 yrs D17, D10, D7 DB 1-23-2014 H filed D 2-14-2014
About the insights, ask yourself why you would want to bring them up. What is your motive?
Great question. When he left, he kept saying that I " just didn't understand". All he could hear from me was blame and anger. I want to reiterate and validate, now that things have calmed down a bit, that I have reflected and better understand my role and how my actions affected him and our relationship. Not necessarily to win him back, but to show that I'm moving forward and growing and not holding on to the anger I had a while ago.
Because even if we get a D, we will still have to communicate and collaborate a LOT over the next 18 years or so. I want him to see that I have a better sense of why we often misinterpreted each other. The one that came up the other day felt like a biggie to me. It was just this eye-opener of how we perceived the same situation so differently. I've been complaining that he could never see my perspective... but perhaps I didn't do a great job of understanding his either.
I understand what you'saying; I felt much the same way. But as we all know, talk is cheap.
His experiencing how you've changed will have much more effect. Keep working on you and he'll sense the changes over time. The new you will be evident. It may take a long time but that's OK.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
How are y'all dealing with mothers day? Of course I feel so blessed to be a mom, and grateful to the man who helped me become one... but so heartbroken, too.
Hi Claire. I'm on my own this weekend with my girls. I too feel happy/proud but heartbroken/at a loss...
I knew H was not around this weekend, so I booked brunch for the 3 of us. I know both girls have made mother's day crafts at school that they will give me tomorrow.
So we'll have brunch (we never go out for breakfast, so the girls think this is a big treat) and maybe go for a bike ride and to the park in the afternoon. Maybe feed the ducks.
While I'm very tempted to feel sad and weepy and get caught up in the emotions of my R, (And like thats what I would have done a few weeks ago) I know that this will be lots of fun with the girls and we can make good memories from this (good, but yes I'm very aware that they will be different memories than it would have been if H was working for R - but still good).
I need to be more than sad and weepy and broken. I feel like I am in a better place and can be better. Scratch that - I am better.
So while I will feel sad and upset, I'm taking a deep breath and smile on my face and celebrate with those that are here.
You'll get thru it - from what I can read here, you're a good mom who's holding it together through a very tough situation. When all the dust settles, however it settles, you'll know you did the best you could. Your daughter will know it too.
Happy Mother's day...you get thru it! Jenn
M:41 H:38 D:6 D:3 M:11 yrs T:15 yrs Bomb: Feb 8/14 Seperated: Feb 12/14
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
How are y'all dealing with mothers day? Of course I feel so blessed to be a mom, and grateful to the man who helped me become one... but so heartbroken, too.
Majorly sad right now.
I'm right there with you. My H always made a very big deal out of Mother's Day. We were separated on my very first mother's day, but he still came to spend the day with me (and brought me a nice handbag and a bracelet). Once our D was older, they would always make something for me and go shopping to choose a gift. He also always made whatever dinner I wanted. My H is a very good cook, so that's something I've been missing a lot. This year is different. He told me that he took D7 shopping for a mother's day card and that she had it and would give it to me tomorrow. He went out of town with a friend for the night and I have no idea what time he's coming back tomorrow. I will know when he gets back since he left his car at my house (he took his motorcycle for the overnight trip).
It's definitely going to be different this year. I've been reminding myself that I have my D with me and that she and I will make the day awesome together, and that's all that really matters.
