Couldn't agree with you more. I've got them bookmarked and read them daily as well. Unfortunately sometimes they still don't stick in my head in the heat of the moment. Some very wise gems in there for helping manage a bad situation.
So after the big blowup yesterday, I get several texts last night. My WAW texted "I'm sorry about today" , followed by "I'm sorry for how we got here" followed by "it really hit me today too". I wasn't sure how to respond, so I thanked her for letting me know and validated her thoughts and mentioned I was sorry for not listening earlier. She then proceeded to tell me that "I never thought you didn't care, but I have felt for some time that you were more upset about losing your wife, your image, your plan. Not necessarily me". I responded with I hope you know it was you, and she said that today she felt that. Not going to take it as anything, or let it get my hopes up, but I found it interesting. Just like the rollercoaster ride this is.
She said good night and have a good sleep for the first time in months. I'm not going to make much of it, but I definitely noticed it. I don't like that it made me happy, becuase it makes me feel I'm too attached if something so small like that from her gets me in a better mood. I will need to work on that. Getting ready for some serious GAL tonight. Can't wait!
Dav, yeah, it's a rollercoaster for sure. Stay strong. Stay your course. Don't let her see you being desperate to be with her. Keep cool. keep your distance. So true that when you retreat she comes forward. My favourite one is: be the man only a fool would leave. I live by that and I think my WAW is coming home soon. Still needs some work but she suggested MC today and she wants to go away with me for a week to get away from the world and see if we want to give it another go. Wow! My sitch has turned around in the past 2 weeks and I'm thrilled. But I really need to curb my enthusiasm and keep a cool demeanor as it's still a very tentative and fragile sitch. I keep reading DR and the LRT. It keeps me focused and prevents me from acting like a love sick pup. At least some of the time. It is hard not to want to dive back in before there's true remorse shown.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
I certainly suggest that you do not get your hopes up too much. Even though it does sounds like some good news. On my roller coaster ride my W swung back and forth to the extreme several times. I would pull way back and she would come forward. I let it get my hopes up only to be crushed again. I hate how it seems like a game we are playing, but the more you back off the more they seem to step up. It does sound like a positive step though.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
Agree, it's hard to not, but I realize I need to have zero expectations, otherwise I will just disappoint myself. I haven't brought up that conversation again at all, and my W has not responded with with what she said she was going to think about and bring up
I had a great time with my kids on the weekend so far, while W was with the OM, and of course, when she came to pick up the kids this AM, she was sick, tears, and on edge. Looking to pick a fight. I escaped unharmed, but it was a delicate act. Every time she is going or coming , it's like she's looking for anything. Today I didn't greet her as happily as I should have at the door? WTF does she expect, I know she just had OM at her apartment and dropped him off. I was pleasant and not rude, and just kept details to logistics. It can be so frustrating, she just wants it to appear like everything is normal, when it isn't.
See how this week goes I guess, could be interesting. Logistics are about to get more complicated with some possible housing moves. Hopefully the peace is kept here and my kids remain stable.
On to GAL tonight. Forcing myself a bit. Sometimes it's hard, it's a holiday and I miss spending the time with my kids. But I think that it's better in the long run for them to see me as strong and capable. And GAL is important for me. Onwards with the battle.
So I've been trying to just ride this out, working on being the best me, and trying to GAL, and I think I'm doing very well. Detachment is at the point where I don't need or require her to be at the house or around in any way. Musing really, I do better when she isn't here.
We've had zero conflicts this week, no boundary violations, but also no change. Although, I guess no conflicts is a positive change. However, what I am realizing is either way, I'm not so sure I want to be with my WAW. Most likely, that is because of the circumstances, but the longer her R goes with the OM, the further away any chance or a R goes for me. I have seen a few signs that she is thinking about things a bit. But really, not enough.
I think I may need to change tact a bit and maybe change some of the behaviours I have been doing. It's important to re-evaluate all the time, and I don't want to get stuck in the same patterns as before.
Anyone have any suggestions on some things I should change or do more of. Less contact works because I feel better. I'm worried about my kids as well. They all are having different issues related to the current separation which I think need to be professionally addressed
Dev, Just remember this is a marathon. One week is just a blip in the grand scheme of things, although things can change in one week. I remember at the end of April I wanted to start the After the LRT but then Sandi told me to say to my WAW in an A if she tries to bring up our relationship to stop her and say, I won't talk about our relationship until the A is over and the OM is out of our lives for good. Then if she tries to bring up the R, just ask, is the affair over and if she says no then say then there nothing to talk about. Well I did that and she was as mad as hell - wouldn't talk to me. Stormed out and didn't even say goodbye. A week later she came and wanted to be held by me and told me the A was over. A week after that she came home for a night and we were intimate. She's starting to come around, but it's still very tentative. I have to be careful not to scare the squirrel away by lunging. I still suspect she's in contact with OM but not sure. Could be just withdrawal from the A. So Dev, may I suggest you continue your detachment. I took the article at http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ and edited it so that every sentence was personal and relevant. Changed all the "people/places/things" to W and got rid of any sentences which didn't really apply to my sitch. After several edits I had a clean copy that I would read over and over until I internalized it. That allowed me the strength to use Sandi's advice about the no R talk until A is over, which I felt was a turning point with my WAW. I also had edited "Sandi's rules" to put it in first person with the names of my W & OM where called for. Also I find that GAL is empowering. Also be happy and strong, not just for yourself but for your kids. Modelling good self-loving behavior at this time is crucial to their well-being. Be strong my friend. I know this is extremely difficult, but we're all going through very similar sitches. I truly value the mutual support.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Sage advice of course. I've actually bookmarked the Sandi's Rules of course and that exact link on detachment before, but I really like the idea of personalizing it with names of my W and the OM. I think it will help make it feel more real, and more applicable. Also, the support and advice on these boards is really amazing. Another thanks to everyone that has commented and offered some advice.
Last few days been interesting, but nothing major. My W had some crying after a long day with the kids on Monday. She reiterated how she feels she is a bad mom, has difficulty with parenting, and it makes her feel like she wants to kill herself. She then said when she's in the home and with the kids is the only time she feels this way. She said she thinks about it often. I personally think she is being manipulative, and don't think she would do anything.
I said it must be awful to feel like that, and left it at that. I wanted to say, "well, choosing to be on your own isn't going to help that overwhelmed feeling very much", but I resisted. It was very hard.
She had put in some time, because I'm guessing(mind-reading, I know it's bad) she was going to be away to see the OM on Tuesday. Tuesday AM she called to say she was too tired and wasn't going anywhere, and wanted to spend time with my S8 on a hike after school.
I don't really make much of it, but for a second I had a glimmer of hope, but I quickly stuffed it away. Not even close to having that happen yet. Detachment, detachment, detachment. The key to survival.
Dev, I'm impressed. You're doing pretty good, although all of this is a nightmare. I know. Remember: Don't believe anything she says and only half of what you see. (unfortunately, this one is the truth).
I said it must be awful to feel like that, and left it at that.
BINGO! That's the right approach! Way to go!
Just for a laugh Google "It's Not About The Nail" ... so true.
Now back to the more serious stuff. My W has talked about suicide too. It's due to all the turmoil in their heads. I think that the turmoil is a good thing because it's not a comfortable place to be. She will need to do something to relieve the turmoil and she doesn't know yet that the thing to do is end the A and return to the marriage and reconcile. That may take a while for her to figure out. Patience....
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
You should think about taking what she's saying about her feelings about parenting seriously. Women have a lot of expectations on themselves with regards to how we parent, and there is a LOT of judging out there. She's telling you VERY strongly that she is not happy with the way her parenting situation is at the moment. You say your kids are struggling too.
You are in a bad place with her, with open OM, etc. I can absolutely imagine how awful that is and I feel for you. You validated that it's awful to be so unhappy, which is great. Is there ANYTHING she does well as a parent that you can praise as part of your validation? I have never met a mom anywhere ever who felt confident in her parenting; this is a Mars-Venus thing. Sometimes just reassuring her that parenting is hard and we all just do the best we can will do a lot to ratchet down the emotion and help bring rational thought back to the table. Moms who barely know one another would do this at any playground; is it something you can do for the mother of your children, in spite of your own hurt and anger?
I don't know how this fits with DB-ing, but to me it's the sort of kindness that can and ought to be extended to anyone, including any stranger. And pointing out your W's good points as a mother could give her the motivation to be a better support to your kids, too.
Just my two cents.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
