22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries

[GoatGal]

BUMP.

I need some help from somebody. I am freaking out...

[labug]

What kind of help do you need?

[labug]

You did what you did, you can't take it back but it does no good to beat yourself up.

[GoatGal]

So I called her, thinking she was some woman he was lying to and taking advantage of.
And, truthfully, because I was pissed and hurt. Because I have not gotten involved with anyone because I would never drag anyone I cared about at all into this mess.
And that he has no business doing that either--he is a mess, we are a mess.
I know. It's none of my business.
But, boy, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is so hard to walk on eggshells and do everything right, day after day, every little communication... when inside there is so much conflict, so much emotion, so much pain. And so little trust in, and support from the person who was always there for me.

But what I did was COMPLETELY WRONG in the sense that it does not meet my goal of improving our R.!

(Pretty good work, though, for someone who wants to piss off her already distant husband and speed up a divorce. I am ashamed of myself.)


All wrong DBing in every way.
Bring out the tar and feathers... I deserve it for everything I've done.
Here I was, so proud of myself for doing SO well, that things were going so well, so much better.
I didn't prepare myself for handling such a situation under those conditions. I was too cocky about my progress and I thought I had a good handle on things. I didn't know that a trigger like that could have me acting so against my own interests. And it all happened within 10 minutes. If I had WAITED, calmed down, and NOT ACTED on anything, I would be better off today.

I would have never called an employee because I would never put his job in jeopardy.

MY stupid justification--not that I gave it much thought because it was really a knee-jerk, freak out reaction with very little cognition involved--was that she had a right to know that he was married, that he has a potentially fatal condition that he can pass on through unprotected sex, that he is an emotional mess, that he has no business getting involved with anyone.

The truth? Well the above statement is true, but underneath that was the thought: "He thinks he can just start up dating? How selfish can he be? I live in this half-finished house, taking care of his life, so he can pretend he's single and chat up young women in the middle of the night? We all know that's a prelude to a full-blown hook-up. That's how it happened the last time...."

So:
FEAR
INSECURITY
PANIC
ANGER
REJECTION
CONFIRMATION THAT HE NO LONGER CARES FOR ME
CONFIRMATION THAT HE THINKS ANOTHER WOMAN WILL MEET HIS NEEDS
CONFIRMATION THAT HE IS STILL LYING TO ME

My heart rate was through the roof. I was in a sweat... I really wasn't thinking at all, just reacting.

Again, not an excuse. I brought it upon myself.

[GoatGal]

So I embarrassed myself totally.

She sounded very--nervous---which led me to believe there WAS something going on.

(I do have legit concerns that he might be crossing the line with another employee. He will be blacklisted from his entire industry for that sort of thing, where reputation is everything. I can't believe he'd risk it TWICE, but then again, he's doing lots of things that make no sense to me.)

Anyhow, saying who I was, "Mrs. Goat Gal", and that I saw she had been texting my H in the middle of the night... did she know he was married? I really didn't give her much time to talk... I basically just told her that he was married, that he had no business texting some woman in the middle of the night, that he was crossing the line... etc."

At which point she tells me who she is---AN EMPLOYEE!
Yikes.

She says that "Mr. Goat" sometimes needs to contact her about work stuff. (???) and that she "HAS a man, a five year old..."....
Then she says: "Mr Goat? He's like---old! Ughhh... No way!"

Man. Did I feel like a piece of you-know-what.
(Although her comment about him being "Ughh" from a relationship standpoint did make me feel good for about--oh, a millisecond.)

I apologized to her, (yes, even called and left a VoiceMail with an additional apology, one she could have played for anyone and I wouldn't have been too embarrassed...)

And I was genuinely sorry for having contacted her, that I wasn't accusing her of anything wrong, to please understand I'm in a bad situation and I am seeing ghosts, that I am worried about what he's doing and I am afraid for my future... to please forgive me for putting her in the middle..."

All this, right from the heart. But, really...what good can come from any of my actions?


Of course, he was extremely angry, stated "Well, NOW we will have separate phones because I am SICK of your SNOOPING!" Insisted he was doing nothing that would cost him his job (yeah, like last time he thought he could get away with that), and within an hour he had blocked me from our phone account.

Unfortunately, he is the breadwinner, and back in the days when I trusted him, he set up all our accounts, etc. I have been on them jointly, but he is primary. So he has the "RIGHT" to do whatever he likes. And if he gets angry enough, he does.

In fact, his lawyer has suggested more than once (he says) that he should remove me from all joint accounts and have me file for spousal support. (Nice.)

He holds ALL THE POWER and I am always afraid of what he will do to me.


Anyhow. I am left with a situation where he can monitor all my calls and texts, while I am blocked from seeing anything. Including whether or not he even pays my phone bill.

[GoatGal]

I am breaking this up into chunks because I know I suffer from "diarrhea of the mouth" and extremely long posts are hard to read, and also in hopes that I might get some advice from the veterans here.

I know I write a lot, but I'm the type to process out loud. And I have no one to talk to.
So this is sort of my "journal" and if anyone can weigh in, that'd be great.

I don't expect anyone to read every word. (I wouldn't!)

[labug]

You know what you did, you know how to do better.

Learn from it and let it go. Perhaps this is just the lesson you needed.

What's your first physical clue when you're heading into an emotional reaction?

[labug]

Why not file for spousal support if you don't trust him?

[GoatGal]

Anyhow, the phone saga continues...

It gets worse.

I start freaking out that she will tell him I called. (Well, heck, he can see that I called her by reviewing my phone records!!!)
I start this whole dialogue with myself about how, unless their R was inappropriate, there is no WAY she'd feel comfortable coming to him and saying:

"Mr. Goat, I have to tell you that your wife called me and asked me about our late-night text sessions. She told me that you have no business getting involved with an employee/OW because you are married, and that you're getting divorced because you have "issues"..."

I couldn't see that happening.
It would be too personal and embarrassing for a subordinate to talk to him about that. At least, I could not think of any male boss I would have ever felt comfortable disclosing that to under any circumstances.
Maybe I would to a female co-worker / next-level supervisor who I considered a friend. And she certainly wouldn't be the President of the organization, nor a man...that level of fraternization would be very uncomfortable, unless you were on a "personal" level with the boss.

And if it did, it would mean she was WAY too comfortable with him and that their little experience, innocent or not, was officially nipped in the bud. So I didn't feel too awful about that. I figured I would find out just what it was if she felt comfortable telling him. That would answer that question.

(But--IT'S NOT MY JOB. I know. "Let LIFE do the teaching." You don't need to tell me. I have learned my lesson!)

My next level of fear was that she would blab to co-workers, and eventually this would get back to him.

As you can see this unfold, you can see how I allowed my own FEAR to create more fears than I had to begin with!



She works closely with his former OW... and surely they must have talked at least a little bit about that, unless OW is the most close-lipped woman ever... so it's not likely that no one knows anything. Surely someone saw things over the year they were hooking up in closets at all hours...

But that's me looking for excuses, and there are none.

I shouldn't have snooped, I shouldn't have confronted him, I shouldn't have called. Look where it's left me...


He got very cold, no surprise.
So far we've been calling and texting, hanging out a bit, he's always told me his plans, and I have told him mine...

Now for the first time ever, he said: "I'm going out" and wouldn't come to help out with the evening farm chores.
No explanation, and no text from him saying "Goodnight". Of course, I was expecting this.

Last night he was MIA, I know him pretty well and I'll be he was out with a few co-workers since he is not comfortable doing much of anything else, including having a real relationship, so I don't even know why I worry, but... worry I do.

But he didn't text me to check in, as has been our habit since I live in the boonies alone with bears and no outside lights, no shotgun.. hahaha...

And no text this morning as usual to say he was on his way.
So my imagination starts running away with me thinking "Last night he was probably out with his employees, maybe somebody said something to him? He's probably furious with me. I've completely blown it."

Lots of negative self-talk. I feel like I need Valium right now...

[GoatGal]

I know he was pissed. I'd be pissed.
What I did was six-ways-to-Sunday WRONG.

I think not contacting me as usual was him making a point.

He'd told me that I didn't know "my place" among other things when the phone discussion came up.

On the other hand, he also said he didn't "mean to make me feel like he was abusing his power and what could he do to help me feel more secure???"

I said, "If you were willing to listen to me when I am upset without getting angry and defensive. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I am in a dependent position. I am afraid. I am concerned for you because you're so unlike the man I married, you seem so unhappy, so angry and the man I knew would have never treated me like this."

(All wrong.. wrong.. yes, I know.)

To which he yelled, (big surprise)
"That's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! You want some explanation and you're not going to get it!" words to that effect.

IIn other words, he'll do everything he can to provide for me, make me feel safe---as long as it does not require that he is vulnerable in any way, nor exposed to strong emotion, nor has to examine his own behavior and its impact on me. ...

I think that's the part I have the most difficulty accepting.

His stance so far has been:
"Closure? You GOT closure. I filed for DIVORCE. That's all you're gonna get. I don't owe you a DAMN thing!" He has said all this when I've told him I don't understand what he's doing or why...

I don't do that anymore, but I think I still imply it.


Next post will be on the last chapter of this debacle... when i contacted his "work wife" to find out more....


Yes. It actually gets worse...