Road to happiness....Part 2

[unbidden]

Good for you, Ye. I hope you're very happy in Hawaii. Mahalo.

[ye21]

Thank you Unbidden!!!!!! How are you doing by the way??

[25yearsmlc]

Hello 25!! Thank you for stoping by

Well let me go with the responses heheheh.

This is the right thread from now on

First a little background about me:

I moved to NY 7 years ago with 0 level of english after I finish my contract in the marines in Spain.
I moved to NY because I knew that it was the city where I could find the biggest amount of spanish people and I will be able to move myself around talking spanish till I learn english.
The reason why I moved to USA 7 years ago it was because I always wanted to live in Hawaii, it was my dream...but with no english at all I tought it was crazy to do that movement right away.

Its not very important, so please don't worry about my questions, but I'm still not clear about WHY you want to move to Hawaii.
Why there? Why do you believe you were "the happiest" THERE?

I have been there, more than once, and my h lived there growing up. I live in southern California and have for 14 years. I AM affected by weather, so I can understand if that is a reason for you to want sunny days....but I don't know if that is a factor for you in choosing Hawaii. There are many cheaper sunny places to live, however...

My main point is that it's very expensive and some people get what is called "Island Fever" and that is when they feel "confined", b/c they are on an island and miss the homeland. Sometimes they feel "surrounded by ocean/trapped" and it's a weird thing but we knew several people living there, who mentioned it.

Just something to ponder a bit, maybe. Where is your family NOW?

I started after 2 years working for a surf company in Ny, selling their clothes (Quiksilver) and that was because my english level was better so I knew it was time to move to Hawaii.

how did you "know it was time to move" to Hawaii? I'm trying also to get you to examine your motivations and reasoning b/c MAYBE your wife felt it was not that well thought out or planned. Maybe she worried she'd be leaving HER homeland for a place where neither of you would find enough work, to live well....maybe?


I was at that point more spiritual oriented, however ( and I can see all that clearly now) I was feeling lonely, in need of somebody to love me..

So, to clarify, are you saying that being "more spiritual" meant you were lonely and needed someone....to love you? I mean, we ALL want someone to love us and we all need that.

I'm not sure where the spiritual part you mention, comes in EXCEPT - for me, knowing God loves me, makes me LESS lonely...not more so.

Do you know what I'm asking you?


. I was offered by Quiksilver to be transfered to Honolulu and I accepted...3 weeks prior to move there I meeted my W, so....I decided to give it a try..

meaning, you met your wife and wanted to form a relationship with her and pursue it more? And then you wanted to convince her to join you in Hawaii?

WHEN in your relationship, did you tell her, that you planned on moving out there? Was it when you began dating, or later on, or after you had married?

What did SHE SAY when you told her you wanted to move there?

.. And it was a great try, but a try that made me look for ways to make a lot of money so I could one day buy a house in Hawaii and live in between Hawaii and Ny (ny only because my W its from here...)

No....New York because your wife wants an acting career and in New York, (and LA) that is where one pursues that type of career.

I have two adult children in the industry, & I performed some myself, so don't tell me that "there is theater or film in Hawaii"...

You must at least begin an acting career in NY or LA, if you are American...and want to succeed. Or "get discovered" elsewhere...And it's always a long shot. So you marry someone who knows what you want and what you are willing to do to achieve it AND who will support you in the mostly hard lean times...and you as the performer must derive enough joy from performing and NOT "need" fame, to be happy...

but I have seen my straight heterosexual male son kiss a man on stage and in film. And my daughter has had love scenes with men she was not in love with and I---25, was in "The Graduate" and played the older woman with a younger man, on stage. I liked it but my h never once, ever, complained.

So when you were angry at your w for kissing a man in a role she was PLAYING and you knew the whole time she was an actress, I felt her pain and frustration. You did not come off too well there my friend. That was the type of thing she'd be advised to stay away from if she told any of her acting friends.

I'm told that my son is handsome. His girlfriend felt insecure when he had kissing scenes with OWs but he NEVER cheated and frankly I don't believe he was ever tempted. But her jealousy and insecurity made her angry and irritable increasingly and finally they broke up. Don't do that to a person who wants to perform and has talent. If you wife had no talent, I assume someone would tell her so. But if she does, and it's her dream to pursue her art, why did you EXPECT her to change that for you and then resent her for doing exactly what you knew (or should have known b/c she was clear about it) she wanted to do?


Time started to pass and I started to grow resentments due to my W not wanting to move upstate NY or to the beach in Ny ( i needed a place with nature) so basically that started many of our problems and untill recently I couldnt find the reason...

You resented her b/c she did not want to give up her dream to pursue yours?

Were you particularly wealthy by then?? Rich enough to live in both places?
...I didn't think so...

So - you began this relationship with expectations that are unreasonable, and or NOT told to her (did you ever tell her you expected her to move where you wanted b/c that's what YOU wanted? Were you clear about that? IF SO, why did she still pursue acting?)

I believe if you begin a M with unrealistic or UN-communicated expectations (e.g., "she'll cave in to what I want, when she fails at her career, & I hope she does fail, b/c her 'success' threatens me"...) -- then it's a recipe for disaster.


We went to Hawaii last year..... And it was the nicest time in my life, however my W hated that all I liked to do was hinking, biking, swimming and surfing... She wanted to spend time in coffee places writing plays... So I told her, great while you do that I will go surfing and relax, she never told me that was wrong with her so I did it without feeling guilty.

This^^ means that Hawaii was NOT the place for HER...clearly. She can write "wherever" but she cannot publish "from wherever," she cannot perform "wherever"....

maybe once she became financially successful & her agent or manager said "hey, write wherever you are inspired" THEN MAYBE she could move around, but not as she's trying to establish herself in an industry that requires a lot of face time.

If you insist on living in Hawaii, don't marry a New York actress...


Then all the sadness and pittyness and bad feelings I had they were released in that time in Hawaii so at that point I knew for sure Hawaii was my place (at least for a while)

There are many places all over the world even in America, but I want to try Hawaii.
Hawaii its just at this point what I feel, whats calling me. I found a very nice apartment 15mins away from Waikiki beach, and I have a job offer to work with 2 surf companies there.

this^^ is ALL about YOU, what you want, and not about her or her dreams. You two want very different things...


I am planning to start taking classes in college there to go and pursue my career which is Nursing. So far I saw there is a big demand for nurses overthere.

"over there"?

Just FYI, nursing is in demand all over this whole country & most of the western world. It is one of the easiest, most flexible careers with which to move. You have more freedom than most, once you are a nurse.

I was forced in my life to move numerous times so I am not scared to start over, specially since in 7 years I havent keep any friends in NY, I am by myself here anyway.

Are you saying that in 7 years you have made no friends, and therefore... you will Not be lonely in Hawaii? Think about that ^^ statement, and then see what you plan to do, that will create a different life for you there...(like being a good friend and making friends.)


I dont know whats gonna happen with this movement, all I know its that I wasnt honest with myself and I feel me not leaving NY at the time planned made me becoming angry at everything around.


So, you are saying you took out your resentment on your wife, the anger you felt b/c you did not pursue your dream, and or your wife did not pursue YOUR dream, Do you see YOUR ROLE in this situation?

How you more or less, created it?


I will work as a waiter, dishwasher or whatever while I go to college, I dont mind that, however in NY those are the jobs I had been doing and it wasnt a problem.

I waited tables in college and in law school. It's how you do it when you don't have family paying your way. I obviously think It's worth it.


I need to wake up everyday and hear the ocean, see the sun and see an horizon line, bike to my job and to college and feel relax....I know I can do those things there, its not always gonna be easy but how can I say no to the idea of walking at night in the beach?

I'm half an hour from the beach and I love the ocean. But if you date or marry someone who needs to be in LA or NYC, don't marry them OR make sure YOU earn enough to do it OR put off your dreams until they are more realistic

OR find another cheaper beach area, b/c we have LOTS of coast line in this country! You do not have to be in Hawaii to be on the ocean. It's called "compromise".

I will be developing my more spiritual side and see what life brings, and I am sure it will work

Good luck!

[ye21]

Hello 25!! Thank you for stoping by

Well let me go with the responses heheheh.

This is the right thread from now on

First a little background about me:

I moved to NY 7 years ago with 0 level of english after I finish my contract in the marines in Spain.
I moved to NY because I knew that it was the city where I could find the biggest amount of spanish people and I will be able to move myself around talking spanish till I learn english.
The reason why I moved to USA 7 years ago it was because I always wanted to live in Hawaii, it was my dream...but with no english at all I tought it was crazy to do that movement right away.

Its not very important, so please don't worry about my questions, but I'm still not clear about WHY you want to move to Hawaii.
Why there? Why do you believe you were "the happiest" THERE?

I have been there, more than once, and my h lived there growing up. I live in southern California and have for 14 years. I AM affected by weather, so I can understand if that is a reason for you to want sunny days....but I don't know if that is a factor for you in choosing Hawaii. There are many cheaper sunny places to live, however...

My main point is that it's very expensive and some people get what is called "Island Fever" and that is when they feel "confined", b/c they are on an island and miss the homeland. Sometimes they feel "surrounded by ocean/trapped" and it's a weird thing but we knew several people living there, who mentioned it.

Just something to ponder a bit, maybe. Where is your family NOW?

I started after 2 years working for a surf company in Ny, selling their clothes (Quiksilver) and that was because my english level was better so I knew it was time to move to Hawaii.

how did you "know it was time to move" to Hawaii? I'm trying also to get you to examine your motivations and reasoning b/c MAYBE your wife felt it was not that well thought out or planned. Maybe she worried she'd be leaving HER homeland for a place where neither of you would find enough work, to live well....maybe?


I was at that point more spiritual oriented, however ( and I can see all that clearly now) I was feeling lonely, in need of somebody to love me..

So, to clarify, are you saying that being "more spiritual" meant you were lonely and needed someone....to love you? I mean, we ALL want someone to love us and we all need that.

I'm not sure where the spiritual part you mention, comes in EXCEPT - for me, knowing God loves me, makes me LESS lonely...not more so.

Do you know what I'm asking you?


. I was offered by Quiksilver to be transfered to Honolulu and I accepted...3 weeks prior to move there I meeted my W, so....I decided to give it a try..

meaning, you met your wife and wanted to form a relationship with her and pursue it more? And then you wanted to convince her to join you in Hawaii?

WHEN in your relationship, did you tell her, that you planned on moving out there? Was it when you began dating, or later on, or after you had married?

What did SHE SAY when you told her you wanted to move there?

.. And it was a great try, but a try that made me look for ways to make a lot of money so I could one day buy a house in Hawaii and live in between Hawaii and Ny (ny only because my W its from here...)

No....New York because your wife wants an acting career and in New York, (and LA) that is where one pursues that type of career.

I have two adult children in the industry, & I performed some myself, so don't tell me that "there is theater or film in Hawaii"...

You must at least begin an acting career in NY or LA, if you are American...and want to succeed. Or "get discovered" elsewhere...And it's always a long shot. So you marry someone who knows what you want and what you are willing to do to achieve it AND who will support you in the mostly hard lean times...and you as the performer must derive enough joy from performing and NOT "need" fame, to be happy...

but I have seen my straight heterosexual male son kiss a man on stage and in film. And my daughter has had love scenes with men she was not in love with and I---25, was in "The Graduate" and played the older woman with a younger man, on stage. I liked it but my h never once, ever, complained.

So when you were angry at your w for kissing a man in a role she was PLAYING and you knew the whole time she was an actress, I felt her pain and frustration. You did not come off too well there my friend. That was the type of thing she'd be advised to stay away from if she told any of her acting friends.

I'm told that my son is handsome. His girlfriend felt insecure when he had kissing scenes with OWs but he NEVER cheated and frankly I don't believe he was ever tempted. But her jealousy and insecurity made her angry and irritable increasingly and finally they broke up. Don't do that to a person who wants to perform and has talent. If you wife had no talent, I assume someone would tell her so. But if she does, and it's her dream to pursue her art, why did you EXPECT her to change that for you and then resent her for doing exactly what you knew (or should have known b/c she was clear about it) she wanted to do?


Time started to pass and I started to grow resentments due to my W not wanting to move upstate NY or to the beach in Ny ( i needed a place with nature) so basically that started many of our problems and untill recently I couldnt find the reason...

You resented her b/c she did not want to give up her dream to pursue yours?

Were you particularly wealthy by then?? Rich enough to live in both places?
...I didn't think so...

So - you began this relationship with expectations that are unreasonable, and or NOT told to her (did you ever tell her you expected her to move where you wanted b/c that's what YOU wanted? Were you clear about that? IF SO, why did she still pursue acting?)

I believe if you begin a M with unrealistic or UN-communicated expectations (e.g., "she'll cave in to what I want, when she fails at her career, & I hope she does fail, b/c her 'success' threatens me"...) -- then it's a recipe for disaster.


We went to Hawaii last year..... And it was the nicest time in my life, however my W hated that all I liked to do was hinking, biking, swimming and surfing... She wanted to spend time in coffee places writing plays... So I told her, great while you do that I will go surfing and relax, she never told me that was wrong with her so I did it without feeling guilty.

This^^ means that Hawaii was NOT the place for HER...clearly. She can write "wherever" but she cannot publish "from wherever," she cannot perform "wherever"....

maybe once she became financially successful & her agent or manager said "hey, write wherever you are inspired" THEN MAYBE she could move around, but not as she's trying to establish herself in an industry that requires a lot of face time.

If you insist on living in Hawaii, don't marry a New York actress...


Then all the sadness and pittyness and bad feelings I had they were released in that time in Hawaii so at that point I knew for sure Hawaii was my place (at least for a while)

There are many places all over the world even in America, but I want to try Hawaii.
Hawaii its just at this point what I feel, whats calling me. I found a very nice apartment 15mins away from Waikiki beach, and I have a job offer to work with 2 surf companies there.

this^^ is ALL about YOU, what you want, and not about her or her dreams. You two want very different things...


I am planning to start taking classes in college there to go and pursue my career which is Nursing. So far I saw there is a big demand for nurses overthere.

"over there"?

Just FYI, nursing is in demand all over this whole country & most of the western world. It is one of the easiest, most flexible careers with which to move. You have more freedom than most, once you are a nurse.

I was forced in my life to move numerous times so I am not scared to start over, specially since in 7 years I havent keep any friends in NY, I am by myself here anyway.

Are you saying that in 7 years you have made no friends, and therefore... you will Not be lonely in Hawaii? Think about that ^^ statement, and then see what you plan to do, that will create a different life for you there...(like being a good friend and making friends.)


I dont know whats gonna happen with this movement, all I know its that I wasnt honest with myself and I feel me not leaving NY at the time planned made me becoming angry at everything around.


So, you are saying you took out your resentment on your wife, the anger you felt b/c you did not pursue your dream, and or your wife did not pursue YOUR dream, Do you see YOUR ROLE in this situation?

How you more or less, created it?


I will work as a waiter, dishwasher or whatever while I go to college, I dont mind that, however in NY those are the jobs I had been doing and it wasnt a problem.

I waited tables in college and in law school. It's how you do it when you don't have family paying your way. I obviously think It's worth it.


I need to wake up everyday and hear the ocean, see the sun and see an horizon line, bike to my job and to college and feel relax....I know I can do those things there, its not always gonna be easy but how can I say no to the idea of walking at night in the beach?

I'm half an hour from the beach and I love the ocean. But if you date or marry someone who needs to be in LA or NYC, don't marry them OR make sure YOU earn enough to do it OR put off your dreams until they are more realistic

OR find another cheaper beach area, b/c we have LOTS of coast line in this country! You do not have to be in Hawaii to be on the ocean. It's called "compromise".

I will be developing my more spiritual side and see what life brings, and I am sure it will work

[ye21]

I appreciate your time a lot 25!! I just repost this so I can visualize it better for better reading. Let me take a look..

[ye21]

Why there? Why do you believe you were "the happiest" THERE?

I grew up in a town surrounded by nature, fishing and doing outdoors activities was what it gave me happiness, then we moved to the beach and it was the best time in my life....
Here is where one of my biggest insecurities takes place and I was able to see this in the last 4 months....
I dont live the life I want, my life was created by me in order to be succesfull ( my family kept living a life of wealthy people and I was higly educated in seen people and myself as "you are as much as you have" so I wanted to be succesfull in order to be seen as a "better" person for my family... During this period that I am separated from my W, my 2 sisters had showed me, they love me for who I am not for what I have or I had accomplished! This was a great discover.

Again I dont know if Hawaii will be the place, but I will like to try it.


Just something to ponder a bit, maybe. Where is your family NOW?
My mom died when I was 15th, my dad died while I was in Ny, my sisters and brothers live in Spain, the economical situation in Spain its awful and since always USA was my dream and the country after living in many others, that I love the most, I like USA more than Spain so I dont consider the possibility of moving out of this country

how did you "know it was time to move" to Hawaii?
My english level was good enough to try it in Hawaii at that point.

I'm trying also to get you to examine your motivations and reasoning b/c MAYBE your wife felt it was not that well thought out or planned. Maybe she worried she'd be leaving HER homeland for a place where neither of you would find enough work, to live well....maybe?

My W and I never sit down and spoke about buying a house, moving to another state, or so, she will always avoid this conversations...
I understand your point that she might see it as not well planned if we spoked about it, but she always since we meet refused to have this kind of conversations so I was never able to expose my plan, she will always say: lets talk about this another time....


So, to clarify, are you saying that being "more spiritual" meant you were lonely and needed someone....to love you? I mean, we ALL want someone to love us and we all need that.

At that point where I was more spiritual, I felt lonely so I would take any relationship as a valid one without looking to see if the other person has things in commom with me or pursue the same dreams or goals....that was my fault, every person at that point was valid for me to start a relationship... I didnt look into the consequences...

I wasnt in a valid state of mind, I believe it was the beginning of my path and when I was happy with myself I jumped to fast into a relationship without loving myself enough... Thats maybe what it was, I am not sure if thats what you are asking me

WHEN in your relationship, did you tell her, that you planned on moving out there? Was it when you began dating, or later on, or after you had married?

I told her right at the beginning, she told me she didnt want to talk about that. My insecurities (now I can see it, I didnt saw it then) told me: this is a crazy idea, if you move to Hawaii you will loose the only person that loves you, stay and made an effort to be with her because she is the one... So thats how I keep doing things for others leaving aside what I wanted for me.



.. And it was a great try, but a try that made me look for ways to make a lot of money so I could one day buy a house in Hawaii and live in between Hawaii and Ny (ny only because my W its from here...)

Well at that point I was considering NY an option because her family was here, I wasnt trusting that she would be an actress, I was thinking it was a temporary thing.... This is something I have been working on in the last 4 months and I see this in a different way now, thats why I respect her decission and I made no contact with her since she told me she is happier without me.


and you as the performer must derive enough joy from performing and NOT "need" fame, to be happy...

Here is one of the flaws 25 , my W continusly repeated how she wanted to be an actress because her father emotionally abussed her so if she became an actress she would be able to proof him that she could do it, in all the time we were together, everytime she went to an audition or do something related to acting ( she barelky went to auditions, besides the fact I kept telling her, you can do it!! Be gentle with yourself you have the talent! Just go to auditions!!) she will be superdepress and sad and not tell me what happens, close herself crying or only talk to the people in her 12 step program, I never pressured her, I accepted and not ask her what was going on more than once. She just repeteadly say: I dont think I can be an actress, I will say, yes you can, she will explode in rage and not talk to me... So at that point I had no idea what to do.


So when you were angry at your w for kissing a man in a role she was PLAYING and you knew the whole time she was an actress, I felt her pain and frustration. You did not come off too well there my friend. That was the type of thing she'd be advised to stay away from if she told any of her acting friends.

I see this totally, and I feel many times sorry for that, however I am working on fixing that and its not gonna happen anymore, I was insecure and its really sad I could not see this flaw at that time. Is there anything I can do to change that now? No, its painfull and I am not proud, however its time for me to leave that behind and focus in how I will not do that in my future.

You resented her b/c she did not want to give up her dream to pursue yours?

I resented because and this has not change, I believe its totally compatible to have a family and pursuing an acting career, I believe you can pursue being an actress and "plan" with your husband to buy a house or at least talk, just talk about future plans, thats what couples do right? Plan about their future, fantasize, despite the fact that it might or might not come true. I wasn't allowed to fantasize with her, everytime I tried I will be asked to shut up. Thats what builded resentment on me....

I dont know how my life will be, but today I fantasize with being happy, enjoy, keep biking, go to the beach, be healthy... Am I wrong because I fantasize about that? I dont think so.


There are many places all over the world even in America, but I want to try Hawaii.
Hawaii its just at this point what I feel, whats calling me. I found a very nice apartment 15mins away from Waikiki beach, and I have a job offer to work with 2 surf companies there.
this^^ is ALL about YOU, what you want, and not about her or her dreams. You two want very different things...


Yes 25, if you followed my thread you will know that up to today she has not communicate with me, we dont see each other, she moved to another place and I dont know the address or nothing, she totally disappeared of my life, she even refussed to help me with my greencard so I will not loose it.
Yes 25, this time its about me, because in 4 months "waiting" here and working on myself, this is the first time I feel I need to love myself, and be happy and take a break of this city, go to a place where I can seat and work fully on my insecurities and I might be "wrong" by living the city but I reached the point where I see that this is the only solution if one day there is a possibility of R, I need to clarify my ideas and I believe Hawaii will help on that.

Are you saying that in 7 years you have made no friends, and therefore... you will Not be lonely in Hawaii? Think about that ^^ statement, and then see what you plan to do, that will create a different life for you there...(like being a good friend and making friends.)

I did friends, in fact I talk to most of them, there is only an issue...all of them moved out of NY...

So, you are saying you took out your resentment on your wife, the anger you felt b/c you did not pursue your dream, and or your wife did not pursue YOUR dream, Do you see YOUR ROLE in this situation?

How you more or less, created it?

We both created, we both were immature to compromise, I could stay in NY and live a happy married life, all I needed was a person who will communicate with me her plans, a person who will give me something to fight for, being married to a person who will not communicate with me wasn't the way. I have to and I am working on my insecurities, however and thats something I learned with you guys, she has to work on her insecurities.

But if you date or marry someone who needs to be in LA or NYC, don't marry them OR make sure YOU earn enough to do it OR put off your dreams until they are more realistic

I married her because I love her, I compromised to put all my dreams aside, my W never told me about any plans of building something like a dream with me, and the more time that it was passing and her not becoming "famous" (that was her goal) the more anger she will have towards me.

I have insecurities yes, I have to work on them, I can support my wife in her career and build a life in NY or LA, I can work in my insecurities...I probably will never know if that was enough for her, because she didnt communicated that to me.
Would it be a selfish compromise for me to live in NY and LA under her conditions? NY and LA are big, would it be too much from your partner who married you to ask to live in both states but in a place where there is more contact with nature?
Was I selfish for asking her to live 50mins from the city where I could be surrounded by trees? I can compromise to live in NY, but why couldnt she compromise with living 50mins away if that at the end will make me happy?
She can be an actress and I can work in the insecurities, what I cant see so clear is why her dream career cant be compatible with me bein happy as well?

[25yearsmlc]

YE

You wrote:


I married her because I love her, I compromised to put all my dreams aside, my W never told me about any plans of building something like a dream with me,

You have admitted that NEITHER of you spoke of dreams. You KNEW she wanted to be an actress and you wanted her to live almost an hour from NYC. My son lived there 8 years as a working actor and one must live on the subway line or be wealthy enough to take taxis' everywhere for auditions OR not get the role.

Moving out of the city for an aspiring actress (an actor who is not yet known) is NOT a good idea and no one does it. Sorry, but your plan was not compatible with hers...

YOU could have gone to Central Park or the Zoo, or whatever you needed to do to get away to "nature" OR NOT move to New York City in the first place, b/c you were living in a city she is from, where Her family lives and yet where you never wanted to live . Not a good situation to start from...and you cannot blame her or certainly not only her, for not talking about this. You did not adapt and neither did she.

Of course established actors can live anywhere, and can raise families OR, actors with a spouse who makes enough money on his own, AND can support their acting efforts while they struggle, THEY Can do it...


BTW our realtor is married to a television star, and many times they have moved to be on set with him, and she has paid the bills when he went without work for months....although now, I cannot tell you who earns more money.

But they are happy and have raised 3 kids...but he's established NOW and when he was not, SHE was established as a realtor...someone has to pay the bills. Weren't both of you in Gamblers Anonymous? I'm not judging. But I doubt she had confidence in you two making a fortune, UNLESS she succeeded as an actress.

My friend the realtor, SHE moved for him...b/c HIS career, acting, is NOT flexible on families, but her career in real estate, was.

unless you are in the top 3-6% of A lister actors, you cannot be away from where it's all happening. (I mean like Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts).

Otherwise, you are in the 96+% of actors who either take whatever you can get and hang around LA or NYC

OR you decide that being a "working actor", (hired enough but not "famous")

means doing what you love and earning enough to own a home and visit a cool place every year, is enough.

B/C THAT is what the mature actors seek out, work they feel is respected by their peers, that pays enough for them to not starve, and that's IT...mature spouses know this and support it.

But the goal of attaining fame...I mean if fame is THE actual Goal.....well you may as well rob banks if all you care about is fame. I bet it's a lot easier to do...and if you get caught and go to jail, at least you have shelter and food and health care..

(that comment^^ is a joke -- but I made it to illustrate the point I am making to you AND that I have made to our children before.

Your wife and my children are in a HARD field (the film industry) and if fame is the actual goal, and not the work itself, it's a sad sad pursuit, that will never EVER satisfy or bring joy...)
I can honestly say that my kids know this. They want to be "working actors and producers/directors."

Meaning, they LOVE the making of films, and if they can pay their bills while doing that well, it's enough...

and the more time that it was passing and her not becoming "famous" (that was her goal) [b]the more anger she will have towards me.
[/b]

Didn't that anger go both ways? I don't know either of you, but from what you wrote around here, it seems to me,

You were two people who married, and apparently, the whole time --you both wanted the other to change.

You both became resentful and more stubborn and more angry, wanting the other to change for you and then resenting it when the person instead, chose to be themselves.

Just think about that...^^??

I have insecurities yes, I have to work on them,

Yes. Join the club.

I can support my wife in her career and build a life in NY or LA, I can work in my insecurities...

Not sure what this^^ means b/c it's the opposite of what you did and it's NOT what you want...but it "SOUNDS" good to say.

Thing is, you don't want to live in her city and never did, & furthermore, you want to live on the other side of the country and ocean.

Perhaps your childhood scarred you in some ways, as hers seems to have scarred her.

I mean, You seem to really think you can only be happy near a beach in Hawaii, all based on a previous great dream vacation. (?) I don't disregard your dreams.

I am merely pointing out OPTIONS you will always have if things don't quite pan out there. It's SO expensive and you said you sell surf boards and or wait tables. I don't know what the surf board business is paying, but I know owning property in Hawaii takes a lot of money. The friends and family we know who own there, are self made millionaires...just fyi


I probably will never know if that was enough for her, because she didnt communicated that to me.

Communication is a 2 way street. You have to stop blaming HER for what you did not say.

Geez, you could write a letter and just ask her to sign that she read it even if she didn't agree....Plus you say conflicting things about supporting her career, wanting wealth but not having it but expecting her to "Commute" from Hawaii to New York or LA when you got rich enough to have 2 homes in the nations most expensive cities...and she was not realistic about what it takes to make it in the film/stage industry. One thing is it takes facing a LOT of rejection and still getting back up for another round of it.

To me, it sounds as if you were both so afraid to face conflict that no conflict was ever actually resolved.

The thing about conflict is, it's not about how often you have conflict (b/c life throws some couples more curve balls than other couples), but how you resolve those conflicts...


Would it be a selfish compromise for me to live in NY and LA under her conditions?

What does ^^ this mean? What compromise was offered? And what were "her conditions"? And are you speaking of NOW or some time before now?


NY and LA are big, would it be too much from your partner who married you to ask to live in both states but in a place where there is more contact with nature?


You never offered her the option of living in 2 cities, you made it clear that it would only happen AFTER YOU felt wealthy enough but you both had serious financial flaws so that's not something she could really believe in, was it?

ALSO, regarding people who choose places over people....well....funny you ask

My h, to whom I had been married for 25 years at the time, and with whom I had 3 children, left me to live in Alaska...b/c HE LOVES IT THERE...and YES, it was selfish of him. We had already lived there 3 years, earlier, and only he liked it and it became an obsession for him to return there to live...at all costs apparently.

NOW, after he moved to live there again and alone, and then moved back here and reconciled, he regrets his Alaskan decision b/c he deeply wounded the very people he says he loves the most in the world. We are Still picking up the pieces...

IF there had not been any children, and if we had not once had an amazingly deep connection, I would not have bothered with divorce busting and we would be divorced now.


Was I selfish for asking her to live 50mins from the city where I could be surrounded by trees?


In MY opinion, to marry a struggling actress IN NYC, and ask that she live an hour away while trying to establish herself in one of the most challenging career paths possible, IS SELFISH, YES...and

if not selfish, very unrealistic. It basically means she would give up on being an actress or willingly decreases her chance of success by 90%...so, you tell me what you think of that choice, now?


I can compromise to live in NY, but why couldnt she compromise with living 50mins away if that at the end will make me happy?

WHY? BECAUSE SHE WAS NOT AN ESTABLISHED ACTRESS; SHE WAS A STRUGGLING ONE...trying to get known to a few casting agents whom she'd have to meet with a dozen times before they'd ever think of her for a role, let alone give her one...

Your "compromise" was not really a compromise. Think about it.

Your "compromise" meant she'd be giving up on her dream completely, and for what?

You'd still want to live 5000 miles away with no promise of a better life, except that you prefer the beach. But what would have improved for HER if you both moved to Hawaii and you were still financially struggling?

Wouldn't she just be giving up her social life, (all her friends whom she has known for her whole life) AND her family AND her career dreams??? All that, For you to "walk on the beach"...it's not as if your career plans (which are vague for me) "require" you to live in Hawaii.

On the contrary, your career plans seem to be about nursing, so someday it'd be your career that is much more flexible than her struggling new career...and til then, as a waiter, you also had a lot more flexibility. In fact I think you said you moved to NYC in the first place, because you could get work there...

She can be an actress and I can work in the insecurities, what I cant see so clear is why her dream career cant be compatible with me bein happy as well?


I could be wrong, obviously. But an insecure spouse is not well suited for a celebrity of any sort to marry. So there's that.

(SIDENOTE: From what I hear around Hollywood, the real reason Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt did not work out, was more related to her chronic insecurity being married to a man who women throw themselves at, and less about him meeting Angelina Jolie...But Jolie may be the only woman in the world who CAN handle being married to Brad Pitt...)

Second, your dreams as I understand them AND as they are today, are not compatible. Oh sure, if she were already famous, or if you were already wealthy, you could probably swing things.

But like most people, neither of you are famous or wealthy. So you both must compromise and that usually (not always but usually) means you take turns.

I put my h thru medical school right after he supported me thru law school...and we had a child along the way. Then his medical residency was very very demanding and I was more or less a single parent for years.

I could have resented that (at times I did but I got better b/c I was determined not to become a bitter doctor's wife or bitter doctors EX wife)

but instead I tried to appreciate the comforts it brought our family and the work my h does, matters to me as well. I'm proud that he's good at what he does and he helps people too.

But we were both in school with a new baby for ONE semester...(my last semester of law school). If it had been earlier, I am not sure I could have finished my schooling

or that my h could have done his. One or both of us would have had to shift our dreams. My brother wanted to be an astronaut since he was a little boy. Believe it or not, he mapped out a plan to attend the Air Force Academy, to get his college there, to learn to fly, to get into test pilot school and THEN to become an astronaut... and he began his path. He did what it took to get in and off he went...

He was in the NASA (the Space program!) He was a test pilot too!

Then One day someone handed him a report, and the cover sheet of paper cut his eye....I mean it, a PAPER CUT, but it was on his eye, and it got badly infected.
And he had to be hospitalized...
The doctor said his cornea was damaged and then NASA and the Air Force said he could not be a test pilot anymore. Period. The end. A paper cut ended his career aspirations and dreams that he'd almost grabbed onto and that only 3% of pilots even get to do...

So my brother went to law school and became a lawyer who specializes in airplane crashes. He adapted. He's pretty happy now. That's just what a mature man does. He's NOT bitter, b/c he made a new dream for himself...and in a sense, we all do.

That's not the same as "settling". It's just adapting and choosing to be happy. As a military veteran, I'm used to moving and I love the phrase.

"bloom where you are planted".


Think about that. Keep working on YOU = b/c you are worth it.

[ye21]

Thank you 25

Didn't that anger go both ways? I don't know either of you, but from what you wrote around here, it seems to me,

You were two people who married, and apparently, the whole time --you both wanted the other to change.

You both became resentful and more stubborn and more angry, wanting the other to change for you and then resenting it when the person instead, chose to be themselves.

This is totally true, and I agree with that.


B/C THAT is what the mature actors seek out, work they feel is respected by their peers, that pays enough for them to not starve, and that's IT...mature spouses know this and support it.

But the goal of attaining fame...I mean if fame is THE actual Goal.....well you may as well rob banks if all you care about is fame. I bet it's a lot easier to do...and if you get caught and go to jail, at least you have shelter and food and health care..


For my W this wasnt enough, she kept repeating: if I dont become rich I dont want to be an actress struggling to pay my monthly expenses.

However I see your kids as being serious about acting, one thing that I could not stand is that my W, refussed to go to auditions because of fear, so basically she had no designed plan neither a goal...besides become the 3%, I had no problems with that and I will had no problems supporting that, the fact that she didnt tried it, is what kept me in a weird state of mind.


I can support my wife in her career and build a life in NY or LA, I can work in my insecurities...

I was living in NY, however and let me show you something: I wanted to be a photographer and didn't stop busting my ass knocking doors untill I was a photographer. She wanted and probably wants to be an actress but refusses to knock doors......


Would it be a selfish compromise for me to live in NY and LA under her conditions?

Her conditions, basically I would not mind had supported her, but for me to made enough money that was something that required time and effort and I kept telling her, once I become a nurse and I make more money I will help you more. She just could not wait that long.


You never offered her the option of living in 2 cities, you made it clear that it would only happen AFTER YOU felt wealthy enough but you both had serious financial flaws so that's not something she could really believe in, was it?


I offered her the option to live in NY. She is the one who said once she was rich we could live in between states.


To me, it sounds as if you were both so afraid to face conflict that no conflict was ever actually resolved.

The thing about conflict is, it's not about how often you have conflict (b/c life throws some couples more curve balls than other couples), but how you resolve those conflicts...

Well I have to disagree with this, I faced every conflict and talk about them, however as soon as I started talking she would shut me up saying, I dont want to talk about this. I will say but its necessary to talk about this, I dont know what you think about it.... She will say: sorry is just that I dont know...and I had to stop there.

Now I can see why you said I was selfish, and I recognize I was, I recognize I had no idea how to deal with my wife, it was hard for me to approach her, basically one of the "jokes" she had was: I am like the CIA, I dont like telling people about my personal life... And I can tell you untill one point this was right: It took her one year to tell her mom she had married me and I had no idea about this untill she told me, after her mom was upset one day we went visit her....

The way I see things now: I could had done things in a different way 25, but at that point I didnt knew how. I cant do anything else now, she seems happier without me, and I am glad and happy she is, there is nothing I can do about that, not because I dont want to because I want. But because she doesnt talk or contact me at all and it will not be respectfull of me to break that rule she had set.

[ye21]

Hello everybody!!! Aloha hehhehe I am in Hawaii, arrived here may 1st and wow I had never been so happy, no attitude from people, everybody its nice here and life its just great!!
I did 2 job interviews 4 days ago and both hired me, one is as a manager in a restaurant for a very important hotel company, this job will start monday. The other one is a waiter in a new high end mexican restaurant that will open may 26 , both of us full time so I will start in the first one and if I dont like it...get the second one

Thats pretty much how things are, I havent been thinking about my marriage and just being happy all this time. However my brother in law called me today( he is a lawyer taking care of a car accident we had months ago) so he was very friendly so I was and he knew I was in Hawaii.....wondering how the f he knows that since he unfriend me from facebook when my W left the house....I have no family of my W on my facebook so this is kind of weird.

He was asking me for my address to send me the paperwork since he said the insurance company has agreed to the terms he negotiated with them. Since I am still looking for a final apartment that I like to live in, I told him to email me the paperwork and I will sign it and send it back.

I have to recognize that I dont like too much the idea that he is "spying" on me...

Other than that everything else is great guys!!! Big hugs and I will write more soon

[ye21]

Well news today, it looks like this is gonna end and I have to file for D otherways no chance of keeping greencard. I spoke today to my W and asked her to send me all our pictures and paperwork that shows we were in a bonnaa fide marriage, I explained her I could not complete the paperwork unless I show them a divorce decree so basically she asked me for my address and she will send that to me tomorrow so I really hope she does send it and I can maintain my greencard, its kind of hard but I know at this point that this is the best thing to do, unfotunatelly I dont think she ever cared about this relationship and I have to really protect myself, for me its more important now to fix my legal situation that the M.