Wife is Continuing Affair-When Do I Start LRT? II

[Devaste]

Thanks Bunches and PeterV2,

I appreciate the positive reinforcement and encouragement. You both bring up great points. I realize that this will happen sometimes, and I've even referenced the spew jacket myself before. I just need to learn to step back, step away, and smile. Not rescuing her and letting her deal with her situation is a big 180 for me that I continue to strive to maintains. Really appreciate your comments. Big night planned for work out and then try to GAL.

Peterv2, I've noticed my W spews a lot before she sees the OM. Seems like she needs to build resentment before she goes. Sometimes I'm really good at smiling and saying nothing. I just couldn't hold it last night. Immediate regret. Lesson hopefully learned.

I found W snooping on my phone, and asking me lots of questions today about my GAL activities to which I didn't answer. Trying to be mysterious. I spoke with her about the importance of communication regarding the kids today, and we both agreed we do not wish to communicate like we did. I imagine if we stay focused on that, we should be good for communication, although I fully expect that I will need the "spew jacket" again at several points.

Time will tell. Thanks again everyone

Devastate

[Train]

Dev,

For what it's worth, I think you're doing an amazing job.

Don't let one setback throw you; pick yourself up, brush yourself off and carry on.

Looks to me like you're doing just that.

Hang in there!

[Devaste]

Thanks Train,

So happy to see where you are at and where you are heading

Your story continues to inspire me

Dev

[PeterV2]

Dev, I figured out my W was snooping on my computer, deleting stuff she didn't like and such. So last week I changed my password and every time I'm away from my computer I lock it. She was at my desk and asked what my new password was and I said I don't want her on my computer because there are a lot of personal things on there that she doesn't need to see. I said that I'm journaling and writing stuff that is for no one's eyes but mine. A lot of it is crap and some of it is not very nice but it's part of the processing I'm going through to heal and grow. So once I've gone through this stage I'll delete those journaling files and then she can have access again. Just not now. At first she was furious. Then she calmed down. Boundaries. Apparently the WAW does not like them. Be mysterious. Her curiosity is your ally.
Yeah I mess up once in a while too. Totally blow it. But we just have to get back on that horse and carry on. I know this is tough. Like MWD says, this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

[PeterV2]

Dev; one more thing. That day I locked her out of my computer. She started talking about our relationship. I told her to stop. That I don't want to talk about our relationship until her A is over and the OM is completely out of our lives. At first she said she's not having an A. I just looked at her with a dumbfounded look and a dropping jaw. Then she asked, what about as just friends. I said No Contact - Forever.
A week later she came to me and said her relationship was over. That the OM had too many issues. But she didn't want to go into details. I have my doubts. Time to put a transparency plan into place. But now she's talking about going on a week's vacation with me. I'm very skeptical because I've been lied to consistently for the past year. I would suggest trying that approach: no R talk until the A is over. <- That was great advice from Sandi2 - thank you Sandi.

[Devaste]

Hey Peterv2,

Thanks for the advice. Wish I thought of that last night, before she went on the home computer and found some pics of screen captures I'd made back in January and February when she had told me she was going to be NC. I only had access to a social media account, but she saw that I had been taking screen captures. I had done this to monitor if she was indeed NC.

Needless to say, she felt violated, betrayed, and feels she can never trust me. Ironic, I've had those same feelings She painted me with a bad brush, and I kept my spew jacket on and just absorbed it. I explained why and left it at that.

I'm sure it will blow over with time. This has not been a great week, but it will only get better. Just gonna dust myself off and get back at it.

Cheers

Devaste

[PeterV2]

Dev;
She'll snoop on your computer, looking for anything that can paint you with a bad brush as you say. She is looking for reasons to justify her leaving, to justify her A. These WAWs are grasping at straws looking for ways to shift the blame from themselves to the LBH. It's spewtum. Don't take it seriously. Detach. Stay strong. Lock your computer. Change your passwords. Last thing you want her finding is all the stuff you're working on to save the marriage and GAL. That's for your eyes only right now.

[PeterV2]

Needless to say, she felt violated, betrayed, and feels she can never trust me

That's almost funny. It's funny how the WAW can turn things around. Remember when she's pointing a finger at you her three other fingers are pointing back at herself. I've had that from my WAW. At this stage the WAW has no idea of the pain us LBHs have gone through. Totally oblivious. Almost pitiful.
Oh by the way, put a password on your phone. Lock it. None of her business.

[Devaste]

So the passwords are in on all technology, but there has been significant damage and anger. Interestingly enough, she feels that I did this intentionally so she would feel the same pain I felt when I found out about the A

Had a FT meeting today, that got shifted into "I want to F@&&ing kill Devaste" for what he has done to me". Tad different from the co-parenting scheduling we wore supposed to do. Meeting went late with FT again confirming we are separating and heading towards divorce. I can't stand it when this is said. The lack of hesitation in my W was disheartening to say the least. I said it's not what I want but I will not stand in the way. We need to still wait anyways here for another 7 months.

The OM is still very involved, and there is really no end in sight for me. There is no pressure, no W on the other side, it's almost a pure escape from the M and our kids. Really makes me question if I will have a chance to work on R. My fear is no, my hope is yes. Sure that goes for everyone here though. Just needed to write some of this down, as it is so helpful.

Tomorrow will hopefully be better. I'm frustrated and sad, but I know it's ok to feel that way sometimes in this situation. It's what you do to get out of it that matters

[PeterV2]

Dev, hang in there buddy. I also went through some days when I thought we're heading straight to D. Just follow the LRT (Sandi's) rules. Be the best man you can be.
Here they are again:

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes

Here are a couple more I use:

38. Don't focus on the OM. BE the better choice, which means being a husband only a fool would leave.

39. Know that I really will be alright in the long run, that my personal work will yield good things regardless of the choices others make. I will be happy again.

I've printed these out and read them almost daily. Focus.