Hi, I do agree that we are still a huge influence on our xh's lives. My lawyer (I am STILL involved in a long running legal dispute with xh) said 'MRS X you must be a quite remarkable woman for your former husband to be still so involved with you. He is a very bitter and lonely man.' I am now eight and a half years post bomb drop!
He is getting married again shortly, and I actually feel slightly sorry for the woman - she isn't the woman he left me for, and they have been together about three years. So I guess she knows what she is getting herself into!
Anyway, the point of this response is that you did not make your xh feel not good enough for you all.
He is an adult and responsible for what he does, including choosing to have relationships with other women and not work on his marriage. I agree that depression causes us to feel fragile, but that only we can deal with it.
I still feel bad at times, but it isn't my xh's fault. It is me dealing with the stuff I need to deal with.
I have made, in my opinion, the same kind of " trip " as XH. Going through my crisis.. Reflecting on my childhood and past experience to help me deal with all of this. My believes are still family first. I wish our unit was whole but I cannot control this. XH cannot be replace by anyone and I don' t like the person he is in the moment. so what are my options?? To go on and live as a single mother of four and keep them on top of my list. The struggles are the right way to go. I sometimes wish I could do or give them more but I do my best.. I KNOW I DO.. My mother' s past experience with us kids is my inspiration on handleing this. I talked to her about the way I feel, last week, and I felt validated cause she understood my feelings. It made a lot of sense to her and she knows how difficult it is. I saw sadness and pride in her eyes.. I left feeling strong and confident.
For now, and probably as long as I have kids home, this is how it will be and I am ok with it..
My tears have dried up.. I am 95 percent back. I am very successful at work. My confidence and self-esteem is " almost " all back. I say almost because it depends on the subject. I still don' t understand midlife crisis eventho I feel I am living one. I am proud of me and the way I conduct myself despite my struggle. I AM VERY PROUD of my kids. Life overall is good and GOD is very good to me. In times of need, I can' t explain it but there was always someone there to help , many times unexpectedly.. I AM GRATEFUL. I feel like we lived a lifetime in 4 yrs. The 5th has been as expected with 3 teens around lol Life is good
Beatrice, I also feel bad at times. I also feel sorry for the OW(s). But YESSS, they are ALL ADULTS. They have choices like everyone else. I chose out and I KNOW WHY.
I feel like I am the one who holds the key, the answers.. The one that makes a difference. Does any of you feel this way?
When the heated argument broke between son and XH, I was contacted by both. close to the end of the conversation with XH, I told him "Wait... How are you doing, you, personally ? " He started to cry uncontrollably and said " it doesn' t matter I guess " me: YES IT DOES !!!! him: " just come and get him ".. My son had told XH that he wanted to return home... . One day prior to him moving back, the fight broke out. I went and got son. The next day, son changed his mind and said he might have made his decision to fast. School registration was done for the second semester but with a few glitch.. some of the courses he needed were given before x-mas so his schedule was re-arranged and solution were found.on-line class.. Son had concerns about school. he did tell me that he likes the school overthere and finds people nicer.. He says he made it very clear to OW that he did not move there to be with them but TO BE WITH HIS FATHER. he said she doesn' t bother with him and he is fine with that. He admits his dad is NOT HOME as much as he said he would be and he is often alone hanging around in his room or up town with his friends. Son is on a rollercoaster. Teen. 2 weeks ago, he texted me a Hello. I asked how he was doing and he answered:" well, you know, ups and down . you?" I said "same". He replied" yes" me: "need to talk?" him: " I think i'll come down this week-end " . me:" sure! I' ll come and get you if you need a ride "
Son was here 3 week-ends in a row. he almost made it 4 this week-end but decided to stay over there cause his best friend here was out of town. Plus, my oldest had a volley tournament and my 2 youngest were going there.
What I mean by holding the key is : they seem to look up to me for guidance and answer.. Disagree with me and come back with a realization that I was right.. Bea, I KNOW YOU HAD THAT FEELING !!!
My son' s fb update this morning :Getting real sick of all this [censored] -.- .. need a break, summer better come fast ..
I wonder sometimes if I should have asked for sole custody with all the material XH left me with?? I was so weak and devastated, I didn' t know how to handle this. I listened to the kids who didn' t want him here but didn' t want to be abandoned. I thought that eventually, by seing me cut the strings with XH and getting stronger, they would have made the same choice for themselves instead of putting up with it and getting confused and hurt over and over...
Text war beetwin me and XH: May 5th. XH: so, what's going on now? Son having a problem and doesn' t want to talk to me? K, he doesn' t know how to talk and walks around with attitude so I just spoke to him about that.And told him if that's the way he's going to act and be to just back and live with you. Make sure to come get him next Friday. Being mother days weekend. I won' t be back till Friday night landing back in " town ".
Me: Let him at least finish his school year...
XH: So that' s what this is about eh.. That' s fine.
Me: He' s not sure which direction to take
XH: Be there for the summer and come back here in the fall? Well I" m getting pissed off
Me: Just let it be... you will push him away
XH: It"s not like I give him a hard time... and gets what he wants but with rules. What ever!!!!! I" m [censored]'n getting tired of all the bull sh*t just the same. All of it!!!! Work, this crap, evry fuc*"n thing !!!!
Now,little update on my brother" s MLC. He is with OW#3. Cordial to XSIL when OW not around and Uncomfortable and mean when she is. He has been diagnosed with liver cancer a few weeks back. Awaiting treatment and getting ready for his death. He has stopped support to XSIL and that is fine. She understand the situation and has took matter in her own hands. May 15th: XSIL called me. He told her he had papers for her to sign. He is taking her off EVERYTHING.. I WAS SHOCKED.. and started crying. " Doesn' t he realise that you gave him 30 yrs of your life, 2 kids, you were a stay at home mother because you both agreed it was best, you gave him support and fulfilled your duty as a wife and mother ???? I don' t believe this.. You don' t deserve this from him .. I am sooooo sorry." She is starting over at 56 yrs old with not even a high school diploma.. It is like she never even existed... SCARY ISN" T IT????
Now, while I am on the phone with her, texts started to come in from XH..
XH: Hello. I'm not starting an argument but i'm going to tell you how I see things are going to turn out. Moving the kids south to a bigger city type setting is not going to improve their life. For one, I won't be able to see them often. And maybe that' s your plan for your own reasons. 2. I will get a lawyer and then we'll end up hating eachother. And if the court permit the move putting distance between me and the kids making it impossible to see them, then there's no reason to go on working in this field. Then you'll end up in the shitty part of a city because of the cost of living. It's not like living in a small town" my name". So the girls will be open to more problems to being more open to being victimized. As for drugs, the bigger the town the more drugs there is ... so if yopu think it ll be a better life. You're only thinking of yourself and what you think you want. That's all i' m going to say. Not arguing with you " my name". Done that and i'm going to seek legal advice. I' m not a deadbeat dad. But you're trying to make me become one. I knew you were thinking of this long time ago.D18 already at the age of wanting to become her own person. Think having either one of us around her when she goes to school will mean she'll hang out? Every child becomes an adult. she' ll have her schooling friends and boyfriend and build her life when she's done college. Doesn't mean we follow and put the younger ones at risk or make their life hood harder then it already is. Kids say different things, times they're scare to speak their true feeling. So don't be mad at them. I' m just telling you how I see things happening if this happens and it' s not far from the truth.
Me: You could move with us? I'm sorry .. I shouldn t have said that... my family is all I have. We are only discussing it. Something is happening in my family and I am conflicted.. It is not affecting this.. It is making me think about you, about what is left of us..
XH: Think of the young ones first. Things are bad enough for them as it is. D18 I love just as much but know in my heart, she's growing up to be a smart adult.
Me: I am Always thinking about ALL of them in my decisions... You should know that by now...
XH: Good night "my name"i'm not going to continue this because it ll just get one of us angry.
Me: I know... "his name" I want you to know that no matter what, you will always be the man of my life.. I might not agree with our separation conflict but I have chosen you, I shared many beautiful years with you and I have 4 wonderful kids with you.. YOU gave me everything I ever wanted as a little girl and I THANK YOU!!!!! I wish I could have been everything you wanted me to be for you but I wasn't ... I understand that.. I accept it.. If something was to happen to me, EVERYTHING is yours and the kids. No matter how mad I get at you sometimes, I owe youn this much. No one will replace you. You do what you believe is best for them ... SO DO I !!!! THEY ARE MY PRIORITY, MY LIFE. If I make the decision to move, it will be because I believe our lives will be better... just like you did when you left. WILL IT BE a mistake? I won' t know until I do... It doesn't seem like it was onbe for you so it probably wouldn' t be one for us
XH: You' re speaking for yourself, and you still think I left them... I want them and left you because you only thought was best for you.. period. Everything was about you my entire time with you. That's what you still don't see, why the hell would I want to go back to that?? I left you " my name", not the kids. What you don' t understand is that years ago you walked them out the house and threathen to move to Quebec. That's when all this started. You're all about control and what you want or think is best. So your actions! my reactions... Couldn't move anywhere better then when I wanted to right( referring to me refusing to move where he is close to bd ). We couldn't even take a drive sought for 3 hours, took forever just to get you to go to ***, now look at you. You want to move the kids further away from me so that I don' t see them period... If that happens, that's what you did to them to take me completely out of their life... you remember that yourself Bit*h.
Me: you didn't want to lose them so you left.... smart move.... you did what was best for YOU not them. Can" t think for yourself? Need to use my words? ( actions-reactions). Justify yourself all you want... you are not worth my time anymore. I don' t matter and either do you... LET ME LIVE MY LIFE
XH: Thought the same and just getting a court order "my name". They are my kids to. You could have moved for the best of things long time ago. But were to worries to be bothered by your brother.Remember? (the brother that passed away). Would have had your family in town and I would have at least had a friend in town aswell. But nope. All about yopu and what you didn' t want to put up with.
Me: Dido. It s your lost cause I am an amazing person and I have incredible kids.. which I RAISED.. Actions speaks louder then words. Take me to court and let me tell the judge my story... maybe you need to hear it aswell. You are darn lucky I have compassion and kindness in my heart.
XH: Therte s no story telling in court " my name" .They ll only take interest in what' s best for the kids. They'll not sit and listen to either you and I. And i'm not a deadbit dad. You' re lucky as well you know that. I could have just up and left and never looked back nor supported my children. Like I said I'm not a deadbit dad who wants to spend and be near them, otherwise, I would have moved to **** and took a peomotion..
Me: True... but for you to say you want what is best for them and see me as a monster and justify every misery onto me doesn' t add up... does it ????? You are a good provider. I agree
XH: I' m still a father their father regardless ok. Not under the same roof as them. Seen worst fathers then I who still live with their children. so what ever " my name". I'm done texting you about this now. Have a good week-end.
Me: Yeah,go make more kids and walk out...I see through your masks. WE recognize the signs
XH: You' re an idiot! That " teenage boyfriend of mine" You threated me like you should have threated him. Besides" my name" wasn' t you who took a ride and kissed the guy who took youir virginity the very first few months we started seeing eachother? In the back seat of his car and old enough to be your dad. ( he was 6 yrs older then me and I did not do these things ). Like that' s easy to forget. Don' t tell me about signs. Why don't you educate me on when cheating is complete. Oh ya! Have to ** in you first to be considered going all the way... I may have an argument with OW but at least we get over it and move on, doesn't last a few days to a week of the silent treatment unlike some cold people I know. I" m not texting you anymore so ensure to do the same.
Me: JUSTIFICATIONS... YOU didn' t hold it for weeks, you held it for 23 yrs and they are NOT EVEN TRUE.. UNLIKE YOUR ACTIONS OF TAKING THEM IN AND OUT OF YOUR HOMESSSS... Anyway. your lost
May 16: this morning.. Me: The truth: you gave up on yourself. You LOVE US but believe we are better off. You don' t understand many things. You are still full of anger against your parents, me, work and even GOD. Life was unfair to you. You lost your soul. You WERE an amazing person but now you hide behind masks... you are pretending to be happy. You cover up with other women and sex. Your words still don' t match your actions. AND I DID NOT MAKE YOU BECOME THIS. I am not responsible for the choices that you make. It hurts us to see you like this and I hope your life settles. You inflict many doubts in me. Guess what? Not many people can do what I do... I am PROUD of myself, and so is everyone else around me. You want to see me as a monster who destroyed you? That' s fine cause everybody else see an amazing successful woman in EVERYTHING SHE DOES !!!!! Now, you think I am crazy right? Reread this in 5 years and we ll see....
From all of this::: XH is now 18 years old and looking for a mate to settle down. Dealing with the fear of betrailed. Constantly accusing OW of fouling around and work on trust. Not very productive at the moment..
I am now going dark with no contact.. Let see if court is next.. If we decide to move, court it will be or OW1 will be back in cause she is living close to where we are concidering moving. He has brought up her name to D13 asking if they liked her?? so she' s in the picture again.
Your H gave you a gift in these exchanges. He gifted you the person he is TODAY. The texts were very revealing.
He seems about 18 and full of angst and frustration and rebellion and all the things any adolescent feels when breaking away from home. Use this as your marker on how to proceed in your own life. He has made it clear he is not the person who can handle the grown up responsibilities of parenting and marriage.
Your postings of the exchanges really helped me. The dissolution docs were sent from my atty to H yesterday. I found myself questioning whether this is the right thing and still wanting to hear my H resist the whole breaking up of our family.
When I read what your H wrote, I was reminded how crazee their thinking is... I'm doing the right thing and I've given it my all. H simply isn't in a place to grow up.
I could hear myself in the exchange you had with your H. I could hear myself trying to be the voice of reason with insanity.
I spent so much time beating my head against the brick wall trying, trying, trying, trying and TRYING to get him to see reality. It never worked.
Go Dark. Go black as night. :-) For yourself, not his.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
