Newbie - bf suddenly left after 9 years

[Italian]

Sadly it's been confirmed braindeath. She wasn't wearing her seatbelt so she was ejected through the windscreen.

I foresee dark days ahead. But I've been through it myself so perhaps I can help. My focus is now on this.

I am not religious, but she was, so prayers are welcome in this difficult time. Thank you.

[Italian]

Journaling...

today I'm thinking about my stepfather. He was in my life since I was... 13, 14? He was there when my father died. I didn't see him all that much in the past 6 years because I was studying abroad, and we were never that close to be honest. But still.

My mother works as an educator, with the elderly, kids in nurseries, inmates, and recovering drug addicts. She met him in a community where recovering junkies could live, after he'd destroyed his marriage and alienated his family because of his heroin addiction.

Things went well for a few years. But his mother is clinically depressed, and he seems to have inherited that trait. He got into a deep depression when he was about to turn 50. We bonded a little over that time, because I was diagnosed with depression when I turned 20, my first year away from home. We talked a lot, he felt understood. I was glad to offer him a shoulder to lean on.

But then he started using again. My mother kicked him out and took him back a couple of times. She kept his secret for a year or more, because she didn't want to worry us, to risk his job, to give his elderly parents a heart attack - all good reasons, but she just ended up enabling him to carry on. He wiped out their joint back account, leaving her penniless at 50.

Eventually she snapped. She met another guy - wonderful man, although he's very ill - and she finally left him. M. almost self destructed at that point. He latched onto everyone he could reach, like a leech - me, my grandmother. Then when my grandmother fainted, hitting her head and injuring her back, he vanished, didn't even show up once. He had found a new girlfriend (didn't last long) and he couldn't be bothered to care about our problems. After everything we did for him.

He harassed me on skype and facebook, telling me all sorts of intimate details about his relationship with my mom even after I told him I didn't want to know. He event made disturbing comments about my appearance and attractiveness. He cried, made me promises when he saw me cried because I was worried about him and scared he would die. And a couple of days later he spent his entire paycheck on drugs again. Lied, denied, avoided.

Eventually the situation blew up and that was when he had to face reality. He almost destroyed himself. He kept cycling between hyper moments - he was going to turn his life around, do yoga, go exploring, rock climbing, whatever - and deep depression. Then this summer he was in a car crash, I was luckily home so I handled him and sent him off to the hospital.

And that was the turning point, because his parents and brother finally, FINALLY got involved and took him away. His father was always a hard working man, unloading crates at the docks. He was ashamed for what he did to us, to me. I wonder how such a man could have a son like that, but I guess it's nobody's fault. My ex witnessed the whole situation and was so angry about the lying and how M. behaved... except now he's doing the same things with his MLC or quarter life crisis or whatever it is. Ha.

What struck me was how through it all M. kept cycling between poor me victim mode and anger. He never admitted it was his fault or accepted any responsibility. It was his mother's fault because she didn't love him enough; my mother's fault for the same reason; my mom's fault because she left him; our fault because we reached the end of our rope and shut him out. If we'd loved him more, if we'd helped him, if we'd saved him... in his mind he has no control whatsoever over his own actions. I snapped and told him the heroin didn't just magically appear in his hands, he went to get it himself, and that's nobody's fault but his.

And every time he spun the tale to other people, he managed to look like a victim. He is so good at manipulating people. He managed to paint my mother as the bad guy, all of us as the bad guys, and himself as a poor victim of cruel people. He portrayed us as evil unreasonable people who abandoned him in his time of need, when the truth was, we held on as long as we could as he sucked every last bit of life out of us. We had to cut him loose and save ourselves at some point. It was our right.

At least his parents never fell for it. That would have hurt my mom beyond repair.

And through all this situation, I see many of my ex's attitudes - in general, many MLC behaviors. The things he said, the refusal to take responsibility, the blaming, the anger, the lies... it follows the same pattern.

Two weeks ago he got in touch with me to arrange picking up the furniture from our old apartment, and I told him what had happened with my ex, and he couldn't have cared less. He didn't even ask me how I was doing. He was my stepfather for 11 years and he's not concerned with anyone except himself. His mother is clinically depressed and doesn't get up from her chair, his father had a heart attack and valve replacement a few years ago and M's last thought is to do anything to take care of them.

Weak, selfish people, whether with addiction or alcohol or affairs or MLC, they always follow the same pattern. My father did too, but that's a story for another post. My trust in men is at an all-time low. I'm lucky I come from a family of strong women who survived betrayals, addictions, long illnesses, they are all widowed. It's hard to imagine a different future when I saw my grandma, mom and aunt all go through the same thing.

[adinva]

There is a very strong pattern there...of the women in your family...which you at your young age could benefit a lot from getting help with. You might just be able to break the cycle and pick a better man for yourself. This is very hard to see from your side, since you are used to being and admire others being strong and reliable and taking care of people and protecting them. You might try reading Codependent No More if you haven't already, to see if any of it resonates with you. You CAN have a different future but it will take some work on your part.

[Italian]

Thank you, Adinva, I'll look it up!

In Italian we call it the 'nurse syndrome' - when you're drawn to people who need help to 'save them'.

Funny thing is I thought my Ex was the complete opposite of that - responsible, together, reliable and stable. Everyone in my family thought I'd hit the jackpot and found a decent guy for a change.

Probably why it's so disappointing how he turned out to be. I really didn't see it coming. But I have decided to act differently already - I didn't keep his misbehavings hidden, didn't enable him. I left immediately and am resisting the urge to try and 'fix him'.

I suppose I will be tested if he ever come back and tries to suck me back into it. I need to be strong.

[adinva]

So funny, me too. I thought I found just the perfect guy for me, exactly what I needed. 20 years and two kids later it blew up, and I've learned there were red flags all along the way, and part of what drew me to him was dysfunction in me. I'm working to clean all that up now so I don't do it again. I found Codependent No More very enlightening after about the first two chapters.

[Italian]

Some thoughts on responsibility...

I have been thinking the past couple of nights, that my ex's big issue is a problem with responsibility.

He never had to take responsibility for anything. He just... rolled along in life, you know? Finished high school, started working, lived with his parents till I let him move for free in my house, all furnished and ready. I handled bills and bureaucratic stuff and everything.

I had to grow up because of all the crap happening in my family. I didn't want to, but I was dragged through it kicking and screaming and I could either crumble or emerge stronger, and I did the latter. And now I find myself in the same position having to face his actions. Again, I didn't want to be in this situation, but I am and I will make the best of it, because that's how you survive.

In the past 5/6 years I did a lot. Moved abroad, graduated, started a career, made a lot of friends who love me and respect me. He did nothing - just kept living just like when he was 16. He dropped all his friends who 'grew up' and only hangs out with immature losers. Quite pathetic, to be honest. But he had goals, things he hoped to achieve, and he never did anything to achieve them and now he has to face that.

He never had to be responsible for anything or anyone. His old boss still owes him a lot of money and he won't even take action about that because it's too much effort. He can't take responsibility for having a newborn niece and deal with the fact that his family is changing. I was dealing with the fallout of my stepfather's addiction while living with him and he did NOTHING to help me, just avoided the whole thing. My grandmother was in hospital dying and he didn't even think of asking me how she was. He came to the funeral and it was like he wasn't even there. I was left alone to deal with it all even though he was right there because he couldn't take an ounce of responsibility and be a support for me in a moment of need.

He can't even take responsibility for the fact that he's an adult and we were now living together; he's not paying the bills he still owes me, he's not handling anything, just shoving his head under the sand even deeper. He can't own up to what he's done. My grandmother welcomed him in the family like a son, prepared him his favourite meals, always invited him around, and he can't even man up and say goodbye to her. We talked about end of life wishes shortly before his freak out and he completely avoided the conversation, couldn't even think about it.

So what now? Is he going to keep acting like an irresponsible teenager till he's 50, hanging out with his loser friends talking about high school while all his other friends move on in life, starting families, building careers? He might well do that, but how sad is it?

Looking back now, I can see the red flags in his behaviour. We all believed he was a together, reliable, mature individual; but it's because he was never, not once put to the test in his life. I thought he hang out with those guys because he cared about them even though they were failed losers, but now I realize... he's just as stupid and immature as they are, and I've been fooling myself all along.

If he couldn't even handle something so simple, what if we'd been in a situation where I really needed his support? What if I'd been pregnant, or we had a sick baby, or if I'd been ill? He would have just bolted, leaving me hanging. What an immature, irresponsible coward.

There's nothing like being stabbed in the back and seeing the truth about a person to make you fall out of love with them. I'm mourning the illusion I had of our future together, but I see the truth now, and I see he's not big loss.

Part of me hopes he will grow up and grow a spine and learn to take responsibility for his life, but I'm not counting on it at all. Why should he? He might as well roll on as he's doing till he's a sad 50 year old man child still pretending he's going to be a rockstar someday. I'm not even angry at the moment, I'm just feeling very... disappointed, and vaguely disgusted. He's a pitiful human, and the one thing he had going for him - his honesty, his integrity - is gone. He has nothing left. He is nothing. And I don't know why I settled for someone like that for so long. Maybe he gave me security in a moment when I needed it. But I've grown, and life is hard, and this is not a person I need by my side. Nobody needs a person like this.

I used to envy him for the sheltered life he had, but now I don't anymore, because look what he's turned out into. At least the disgraces have made me into a strong adult, and now I find myself here having to hold up my friend during the most difficult time of his life, and I am strong enough to do it. I don't run away when things get tough. I'm able to help myself and help others. People can rely on me.

And if and when I'll see him again, the one thing I will tell him is to grow a goddamn spine and go apologise to my grandmother for the way he treated her. And then disappear and carry on with his pitiful small life. Life will put him to the test someday, and that day he will crumble. Hopefully someday he will open his eyes, but it's a little late to grow up, now.

[adinva]

That's all about him.

What are you learning about you?

Being the responsible strong one is a comfortable position for you because of your life experiences. How might you have handled this relationship differently if you weren't so used to being strong and relied on?

[Italian]

That is an excellent question.

I think it all started when I came back to Italy and we started living together - before that I was away, doing my own thing while he did (or, well, didn't) do his, and we only saw each other occasionally.

Maybe I made a mistake when I first invited him to move into my house. I should have let him keep living with his parents till he felt ready to move out on his own. He kept telling me that he was waiting for me to come back so we could live together and share expenses, so I thought it was a good idea.

As for the living together... I guess I shouldn't have taken on all the responsibilities, shouldn't have acted like a mother. It felt natural because I was used to it and it was my house after all.

I'm not really sure what else went wrong. I was working a lot and dealing with a lot of crap and he was working and doing his thing as usual. I gues... I don't know, maybe we should have talked about the future, tried to figure out what he wanted, where he wanted things to go. I doubt he would have known what to reply, but he obviously needed time to grow into his own person since he'd never done it. I just assumed he had, though, and I'm not sure I could have seen what was going on in his head.

I'm not really sure what to answer. I was going on with my life and growing, and I thought he was doing the same, but instead I was leaving him behind more and more. And now I was ready for a step and he was a mile behind.

I guess maybe if I wasn't so used to doing everything I might have seen what was wrong sooner? But I honestly don't know what I could have done differently.

What do you think?

[kml]

I guess one question to ask yourself is - why did you choose a long-distance relationship? Was it comforting to know you had this guy tucked away at home, while you were out doing your thing? I ask because, after my divorce, I had a long-distance relationship with a man that I only saw for a weekend every couple of months (although we chatted daily online). At the time, it was perfect - I was in the middle of my divorce, I had a lot on my plate, and this was a man who didn't demand anything of me - I'd just go see him when I wanted (he never came to me). I never had to worry about changing my plans for him, or coming home from work in time to have dinner with him, or any of the normal compromises you make in a real day-to-day relationship. I could focus on my work, and my divorce, without any of the normal demands of a relationship.

Of course, once I started to be available for MORE - he wasn't, because he's a Love Avoidant type.

[Italian]

I didn't exactly choose it tbh... we had been together three years, and I had been planning to study abroad all along. I decided I didn't want to compromise my education for a love story, but we loved each other, and decided to give it a try and see if we made it work. He was very supportive - when I was telling him that I didn't know if I could do it any longer, he told me that if he was the reason why I was giving up my opportunities, then he would break up with me so I would carry on with my studies. He supported me all along, but he was expecting me to eventually come back home to him. He told me that he was worried that after waiting for so long I would eventually decide to stay in the UK and we would never get the 'prize' so to speak.

Oh, the irony...

Through it all, I never broke up with him because I loved him and believed we would have a good life together. Even though I was tempted at one time, I always held on because I knew that our future together was worth it.

I suppose that's why it's so upsetting - because one we did have our 'prize' he was the one who didn't want it, even though he'd been pushing for it for all those years. I did what he wanted me to do and in return he just ran away with no respect for the effort and sacrifices we, but mostly I, had made. I don't know what he expected our future together to be, but he was probably fine with it as long as it was somewhere in the future. Once it was there, and it wasn't a magical fairytale, he bolted.

I'll be lookin up this Love Avoidant thing. Mine might be a similar case.