H seems really awkward. I picked D7 up from school today and took her to a follow-up appointment with her doctor. Tonight was H's night because he let me switch so that I could have her for the weekend that my mom was here. He came by the house to pick her up and to finish setting my new TV up for me. He had taken some of the cables for the cable box with him when he moved, so he couldn't finish it yesterday. D7 and I were sitting in the floor in the family room working on a project when he got there. He asked me if I had plans for the evening and I told him that I did. He acted apologetic about being here and said that he would be done in a bit and he and D7 would leave. I told him it was no rush. After a few minutes, he said, "What are your plans, if you don't mind me asking?" I was vague and said that I was just running errands. He's very curious about what I'm doing, who I'm with, and what I'm buying. I'm not reading anything into it, just observing that it is interesting.
Positives: D7 and I treated ourselves to frozen yogurt after her doctor's appointment today; it is relaxing and fun just to hang out and act silly with her. I signed up for Divorce Care at my church. They usually only offer it in the spring and fall, but are having a special session over the summer. I thought about signing up for it in the spring, but decided against it because it felt like giving up at the time. Now, it feels more like doing what I need to do to take care of myself. I think that represents some acceptance/growth in me.
I have an internal debate almost every morning when I put on my wedding rings. Part of me wants to stop wearing them. So, then I ask myself what my motivation for that is. Partially, I feel as though my reality is that I'm getting a D, so I should just take them off. Really, though, I think it would just be a tactic to get my H to notice that I'm not wearing them. Like maybe then he would re-think things and change his decision. Rationally, I know that isn't what would happen. He might not even notice that I'm not wearing them. After all this, I end up putting my rings on. I guess I'm just not ready to take them off yet.
My sitch started a couple of years ago. My H stopped wearing his wedding ring in about 2000 because he said it got in the way when working out. Also he's not a jewelry kind of guy. I was sad that it wasn't more special to him but it wasn't, so he hasn't worn it in years. Many many years after that, he left our marriage, so maybe there was more to it, but at the beginning I doubt it. Anyway that's the story of his ring.
I wore my rings until very recently mainly because they are pretty. They are among the nicest things I own and I get to wear them every day. More mainly, because they signify that I'm married, and I'm still married until I'm divorced. When I'm divorced I will not wear them.
Right now I'm in the in-between state of being legally married but not in a marriage. I've been living apart from him and being a single mom for a year and a half. I'm not dating until after I'm divorced. So the meaning behind the rings is a lot less relevant to me now.
It took me a long time to get there but I look at the rings and they are more memories than symbols of a real commitment. I will wear them when I feel like it because they're pretty and I'm still married. I take them off for gardening or to weigh in at WeightWatchers (silly I know), and then sometimes don't bother putting them back on for a few days or more. That's because it doesn't mean much of anything to me whether I have them on or not. What my H notices or thinks is not the least bit relevant to me...he left over a year ago and if he thinks anything at all he probably thinks it strange that I still have a wedding band on...he indicates no intention of ever coming back.
What other men might think is a non-issue because if they take action on their thought (ie approach me for a date) I can handle that as it comes up. Probably with a no.
Like I said, it took years for my emotions to settle to this, until then I was attached to them, attached meaning to them, and wanted to wear them, and so I did.
I hope that is somewhat helpful.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
There is never any doubt about me wearing my rings. I'm married until I'm not.
When I see my WAWs rings on the ring holder beside the kitchen sink at night, I often have to resist the urge to take them and put them away until this is all over.
But then I figure that since she usually wears them (but not always), I don't need her thinking that she is any more single than she already does.
My W took off rings at BD and left them at the house for the last 7 months. I just took mine off the other day to wash my hands and finally decided I didn't want to wear it anymore. My reasons are my own and I did think about it often for months. I think its a personal decision and one you have to make when you feel like its what you need.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Hi Hope. You and I seem tobe on the same track! I too have that debate. When BD first happened, I made a point of making sure I was always wearing them.
Now I struggle with them. H stopped esring them just before BD (initally telling me he couldn't wear them when rock climbing and that he forgot to put them back on). Like Adinva, I agree with the idea that I wear them until I'm not married. But I have recently stopped wearing my engagment ring.
I don't know if I can explain this to make sense, but in my mind, H gave that to me as a choice when we were dating to become engaged. So if that feeling is not there, I won't wear it.
But the wedding ring is different - we exchanged rings and said vows over these rings. That I wear until we are no longer married.
(In my mind I have secretly planned that if we can work this out that we will take and melt down the wedding rings and engagment ring and make new rings...sigh....)
M:41 H:38 D:6 D:3 M:11 yrs T:15 yrs Bomb: Feb 8/14 Seperated: Feb 12/14
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
Thanks adinva, zew, Bunches, and JennD for sharing your experiences. I really appreciate it.
Jenn - We definitely seem to be on the same track. I could have written your post myself! Right after BD, I made a point to keep my rings on from first thing in the morning until I went to bed at night. Previously, I would take them off as soon as I got home each day. After BD, I also found myself fidgeting with my rings A LOT.
My H stopped wearing his ring a couple of months before BD. That probably should have been a huge red flag. Oh well...love that 20/20 hindsight. When I asked him why he wasn't wearing it, he said he had gotten something stick on it and couldn't get it clean. So, I surprised him one day by taking his ring and mine to the jewelry store and having them cleaned. After that, he wore it inconsistently. When he first moved out, he would make a big deal of pointing out to me that he was wearing it, but it was still inconsistent. He also made several comments about needing to get it resized "if things worked out" because it was too big and he was afraid of losing it (which is the reason he gave for only wearing it sometimes). I haven't seen him wear it in probably two months now.
Originally Posted By: JennD
Like Adinva, I agree with the idea that I wear them until I'm not married. But I have recently stopped wearing my engagment ring.
I don't know if I can explain this to make sense, but in my mind, H gave that to me as a choice when we were dating to become engaged. So if that feeling is not there, I won't wear it
I have also come to the conclusion that I will continue to wear my wedding band until I'm not married. To me, it is a symbol of the commitment I made that day and I haven't chosen to "un-make" that commitment. I have had similar thoughts to you with regard to my engagement ring. You've actually just put it into words for me
Originally Posted By: JennD
(In my mind I have secretly planned that if we can work this out that we will take and melt down the wedding rings and engagment ring and make new rings...sigh....)
I have secret plans, too!! I've thought that if we end up D and then end up reconciling (which H believes to be a possibility), that H should get me a new engagement ring because the other one wouldn't count any more. That may only make sense to me, lol.
D7 was having a rough time tonight. I took her to swim lessons and then we came home and made dinner. She and I also did some research for a research paper she is writing at school. It was OK until bedtime. She got up a couple of times and then I offered to braid her hair since it makes it so much easier in the mornings. As I was braiding her hair, we had this conversation:
D7: Mommy, I wish Daddy was still here. I really miss it being like that.
Me: I know, sweetheart. I miss that, too.
D7: I bet Daddy probably really wants to come back, too.
Me: You can ask Daddy about what he thinks. You can talk to Mommy or Daddy anytime about whatever you want.
These conversations are still so hard. I owe thanks to some other posters for how I was able to handle this particular conversation. I read on another thread about what someone says to their D when she says something about missing Daddy (I think it was either Claire or Jenn); she just told her D that she missed him as well. On my own thread, someone (25, I think) recommended that I suggest that my D7 talk to H about things she had questions about (when only he could answer the questions). So, thank you. After that conversation, I cuddled with D7 in her bed for a few minutes and then got up.
I still struggle with whether or not to tell H about these things. Based on previous advice I've gotten here, I'm not going to tell him. I just want to be cognizant of our co-parenting relationship and really do think we need to be partners in deciding what is best for D7.
In that regard, I need (or think I need) to discuss taking D7 to a therapist with H. Any suggestions for message and/or medium? I'm trying to gauge what to say and whether to do it via text, phone, or in person. I'm leaning toward text because H thinks that I get "overly emotional" when we talk and I don't want the importance of the message to get overshadowed by that perception that he has. I could just say:
H, I'd like to take D7 to a therapist to help her cope with this transition. What are your thoughts?
Any feedback is appreciated.
I had a long conversation with my sister tonight (she's a family law L for anyone new to my sitch) about the specifics about the D process. I know how it works in general, but she went into a lot more detail about things like rights and duties with regard to education, medical care, etc. I have a lot to think about. I'm glad we had the conversation because it helps me to feel more aware of what is going to happen so that I'm less likely to be blind-sided by something.
Positive: I asked D7 if she wanted to go to the Disney on Ice event the next time it was in town (months from now). We've been before and she was very excited about it. The tickets are on presale right now. I bought front-row tickets. H would have complained about the price and said that it wasn't a valid expense. It was nice to be able to just make the decision based on how D7 and I would have the most fun and not worry about his opinion.
