hope456 - accepting my new reality

[Upwards]

I haven't worn my rings since we separated, for me it was a painful reminder of the fact that i'm married yet my H doesn't want to be a part of that anymore - that's my own personal feelings though, I understand why people choose to wear them still too.

H, I'd like to take D7 to a therapist to help her cope with this transition. What are your thoughts?

Any feedback is appreciated.

Great! I would maybe say "I am going to..." so that your not asking him your telling him what you want to do but also involving him in a positive way

[artsy]

I'd like to chime in about the rings: H took his off well over 1.5 years ago, and like many other WASs, lied about why. I took mine off when he left. Why? Because I was angry, and spiteful. He mentioned he noticed it, so I kept them off. It bothers me every day, and it will be six months in a couple weeks.

I have been challenged to think about my motivations, not just with the rings, but with all my actions- good and bad. I actually think I should put the wedding band back on (which will require me to squelch my pride, but that's a whole different issue I have LOL!). I agree wholeheartedly what you all said about the engagement ring.

So, whatever you decide about the rings- think about your motivations behind it. Do it for YOU, and it will be the right thing.

[JennD]

I agree with Upwards...Just tell H what you are going to do...if he asks for background and reasons, then tell him.

You are the primary caregiver for your daughter. So do what you think needs to be done. Whats best for her.

[hope456]

Not much to update. I took the day off from work to go to my D7's school to see her end-of-year exhibition. All the second grader's talking about their favorite things they learned this year was super cute

After that, I decided to start cleaning/organizing my garage. My H left it as a disaster. I haven't been able to park in it in over a year because the garage door opener hasn't worked. I'm buying a new one, so I want to get everything in its place so I can park there again. I got a lot done, but reached a point where I need H to help with the rest. When he goes camping, he'll just dump a pile of stuff in the garage. I don't know what's trash and what isn't. Some of it is too heavy for me to lift. He's been saying he would take care of it, so I decided to ask him about it. These were our texts:

Me: When are you available to help me in the garage?

H: This weekend is going to be a bad weekend. I have plans. But I can probably come over and help next weekend.

Me: I'll have to see if next weekend works for me.

H: Okay. Let me know.

Small exchange, but a couple of victories for me there: (1) I didn't ask him about his plans; (2) I didn't just immediately agree to his suggestion. I do not have plans for next weekend yet, but I fully intend to make them. His tendency since he moved out is to want to have family time or come do things at the house when it is his weekend to have D7. He's perfectly fine with me giving up my time, but rarely volunteers to give up some of his time to do "friend" or "family" things.

OK, off to pick D7 up from school and take her to get ice cream

[hope456]

I finally mentioned the idea of therapy for D7 to H. I sent a text that said, I want to take D7 to see a therapist. He called me a few minutes later. First, he told me that he wasn't feeling well and was leaving work early. Then he complained that being sick was interfering with his weekend plans. Finally, he brought up my therapy statement. We had this conversation:

H: So, you think D7 should see a therapist?

Me: Yes.

H: Why?

Me: I just think that from some of the things she is saying that she's having a harder time dealing with all this than she lets on and it could be beneficial for her to have a professional to help her cope with the transition. I think it would have been really helpful for me to have that when my parents split up.

H: OK, I agree with that.

Me: Good. I'm glad we both see it as potentially beneficial.

H: My therapist does play therapy and kid stuff, so we could just take D7 to see her.

Me: I'm not comfortable with that.

H: Why not?

Me: Because you are her client already, so she wouldn't be the unbiased third party that D7 needs.

H: My therapist has never said anything about you or D7 with any bias.

Me: That's not what I meant. I mean that she may not be impartial because she already has been treating you. I would rather find someone else.

H: OK. You don't need to over-explain.

Me: I'm not trying to over-explain. I just want us to agree on what is best for D7.

H: You don't need to explain at all. If you aren't comfortable, I respect that. I would hope you would do the same.

I think the conversation went well. I found a therapist that I really like, so I'm going to send her name to H as a courtesy to see if he has an objection. The truth is, I can't stand H's IC. I just don't think she's a very good therapist. She's said things that have led H to believe that she agrees that getting a D will help him to become a "better man." He knows that I dislike her, but I think I did a decent job of making the focus on what is best for D7. My sister thinks my feelings about H's IC are really displaced anger. She's probably right.

The conversation after that did not go well. H told me he finally finished reading a book I asked him to read months ago (ILYBINILWY). He told me that he found it very insightful and that he thought it could be really helpful with giving us a fresh start in the future if we get back together, but that it wasn't changing his mind. I said something like, "Of course it isn't." He asked what I expected. I very honestly told him that I didn't expect anything because he's given me no reason whatsoever to expect anything different. It did not go well. I got angry and he got defensive. Oh well. Tomorrow's another day.

Really, today was one of those days when I couldn't figure out why I was standing in the first place. He just isn't someone I'm interested in right now. He is selfish and doesn't have the same values as me anymore. If I were choosing a new partner today, he wouldn't be on the list of contenders. And even saying that, I still want to save my marriage. Sometimes I wonder if the desire to save my marriage is really more about me doing the right thing because I believe it to be the right thing than it is about wanting to be married to my H. That thought makes me sad.

Enough rambling for now...

[KGirl]

I have that same book, and found it really helpful (well, most of it I can't really implement in our current state - wish I would have found it before BD!) My H now wants to read it, so I'm kind of nervous about what the outcome will be :S He might want to implement stuff from it, or he just might shrug it off and say "too late, I don't care." Especially since lately he's talked a lot about how he doesn't have motivation to improve his relationships with people or try to understand how they are feeling.

I have a hard time understanding lately why I want to save my marriage, too. What I've decided is that my H isn't acting like the H I knew in many ways, and that I can't really judge if this is his "true" character right now, so I don't really have enough information to decide if it's just about wanting to "stay married" or specifically stay married to my H. If he came around, then there would be certain things I would need and whether or not he could do them will be telling. I'm trying to set my worries about that aside for now. I know I don't want to initiate a D, and since I can't really do anything to change his mind, I'm just living my life. If he initiaties a change, I'll ponder how I feel about him then, but until then I don't want to spend the energy on it. I don't have kids, but I imagine what I feel for my H might be similar to that unconditional love one feels for their kids - even when they hurt you, or as they get older if they lie, get in trouble with the law, etc., there is still that unconditional love that is very difficult to change.

[labug]

Good stuff, K!

[hope456]

Not much too update...

Had a great long weekend with D7...pool, splashpad, ice cream, park, dinner with family.

Didn't see or talk to H much. He seemed annoyed that I asked my brother-in-law to install a new garage door opener for me. I was going to pay for installation, but my sister suggested that I have her H do it instead. My H acted as though he was bothered that I didn't ask him. First, I don't want to rely on him for those things. Second, the few times I do ask him for help, he either procrastinates or tells me he is unavailable. He did come over yesterday afternoon to help my BIL when he was almost finished. Still, I thanked him for his help.

Also yesterday, he called and asked if I could trade with him this week. He wanted to make plans on Wednesday even though it is his night and asked me to let him have D7 on Tuesday (tonight) instead. That means that we still haven't gone one week since he moved out without chaning the schedule per his request. I initially told him I'd have ot let him know because I had tentative plans. That was true only in the sense that I had tentatively planned to make plans. He then called me and told me what plans he wanted to make and asked me directly what my plans were. As if we were supposed to compare and negotiate whose took priority? I ended up making a compromise with him. I told him that I would trade with him and reshecule my (non-existent) plans, if he would agree to be at my house early this morning to get D7 ready for school and drop her off. I needed to be out of the house earlier than usual to get to work early. He agreed...

And then was 10 minutes late this morning and was pi$$ed off that I was annoyed about that. That resulted in an argument that certainly doesn't help me out. I don't ask for much from him and he can't do stuff even when he says he will.

I'll see him at D7's swim lessons tonight, so I need to put on my PMA before I get there.

On another note, I sent H a link to the website of the therapist I liked for D7. He agreed that she seemed good. I called today and made an appointment for her for two weeks from now.

[hope456]

I kept up my good PMA while I was at D7's swim lessons with H. He wanted to talk about why I think D7 would benefit from speaking to a therapist. I had already told him briefly when he asked last week. I mentioned to him some of the things she has said. He got kind of confrontational about it because I hadn't mentioned each instance to him previously. Keep in mind that one of the recent times when I said to him, "I need to talk to you about something D7 said last night," he replied with, "Ugh, Is it going to make me feel guilty?" Totally makes me want to share these things with him. I told him that it isn't just what she's said. I feel like she's experiencing some anxiety and think that there is probably some stuff that I haven't picked up on. He said that he agreed with me...and then still continued to question. I did stay calm the entire time.

After that, he wanted to ask me lots of questions about a job interview I went on today. That included questions like, "How much money would they need to offer you for you to leave your current job?" He also offered suggestions on what he thought I should ask for. It's like he still wants to know every detail of my life. He just wants to keep his secret.

Interesting story: Tonight when I went to H's apartment to tuck D7 in, she mentioned to me that he forgot to give her chocolate cake even though he said he would. I said, "You and daddy have chocolate cake?" She told me that they did have it in the refrigerator. I assumed that H must have purchased one because I have never known him to bake anything, at all, in 14 years. D7 then told me that Daddy told her that it didn't turn out quite right. She suggested that I teach him to be a better baker so that he didn't mess it up next time. First, H does not like cake. At all. It isn't like he and D7 baked it together. He just baked a cake while she was with me over the long weekend. So, then I started wondering if he so badly wants to feel like he has a "home" that he decided to bake something to see if he could create that. Total mind reading, I know.

I realized today that I really need to work on my desire to "fix" things for my H. When I took D7 to the doctor last week, I had to pay the bill for the appointment that was a couple of weeks before. I do not have a great insurance plan, so it is pretty pricey for a doctor's visit. We are supposed to be splitting medical expenses evenly, so I told H that I paid that bill, but there would be another one for a similar amount in a couple of weeks. He said, "So, I need to figure out how to pay for it?" I told him that was my suggestion for how to handle it. He called me today and asked if he could use his HSA card to pay for it. I told him that he could, but that I hadn't gotten the bill yet. He went on to say that he didn't think he could afford it unless he was able to use his HSA debit card. Normally, he uses that health savings account to pay for his therapy appointments. He told me he would have to cancel one of his upcoming appointments to have the funds available. So, being me, I said, "Do you just want me to pay it? I know your therapist is helping you, so I don't want you to have to miss that." He told me that he did not want me to do it because it was his responsibility. I let the subject drop. I think this is definitely somewhere I need to work on improving. It isn't my job to rescue my H. Still, I hate to see him struggling so much.

Tomorrow I'm having lunch with a former boss of mine who became a very good friend. I haven't seen him in months, so I'm pretty excited to catch up with him.

[claire7]

I've had similar issues with H requesting schedule changes... Don't negotiate so much. Just make the decisions that you feel are best for you. It doesn't matter if you have plans or not. You are allowed to say, simply, "I'm sorry, I'm not available". It is important to keep in mind that there will be times when you need favors from him... but you can say no.

I'm looking at it as a good incentive to GAL, so that I can say "I'm busy" and mean it!!