I feel like all my goals, dreams, plans have gone up in a puff of smoke.
Like I don't have the energy or confidence to start over.
I feel shame because I love too deep and it ends up hurting me in the end (codependence). I invest so much in my relationships that they become my definition. I always tell myself I'm a family guy. I pay the bills, protect the family from harm, make quick decisions and I'm the "rock" of stability. I don't go out and party, I don't cheat, and I'm a Christian. I'm also an excellent employee.
I'm scared that I will never be able to not try to control my life. Not being in control scares the hell out of me because I've had some things happen in my life that I never thought I would survive that have scarred me deeply. Control has become my safety net.
I don't trust in my ability to handle whatever life throws at me. It's easier to control life.
GAL is a challenge for me because up till now, my family was my GAL. Going out and meeting new people is out of my comfort zone, I can be an introvert around people I don't know.
I'm the classic "good guy". I avoid confrontation with most people but can fight with the best of them when it comes to my relationship.
So what's the common denominator? FEAR FEAR FEAR. Fear rules my life.
I'm sick and tired of living in fear. I want to be a free spirit. A man that follow his own journey and tackle problems as they come.
Thornton - I am a newbie here but just wanted to offer some shared feelings. I understand your fear. I think it is common for us because I know in my shoes I live in fear wondering and walking on eggshells if it will affect my spouse in a way that will push him further away.
I think it gets better with time and a PMA. Fake it til you make it! Lol but seriously keep on GAL. I am sure you have conquered things since BD that you never thought you would be able to do this time last year.
OK, this is more like it. Lets talk a little about fear then.
I get what you're feeling. Through this process I came to realize that I lived most of my life with fear controlling me. I tried to control everything from work to personal stuff and in the end fear is what controlled me and contributed to many of the things in my life I didn't want to happen.
Let me ask you this, what are you afraid of?
If you're fears come true then what happens?
Is this fear holding you back from being the best person you can be?
What can you do to become more of a free spirit and follow your journey?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Someone sent this to me when I was at the stage you're at. Hope some of these help a little:
Letting Go (Of Control)
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands. ... To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I'm afraid of not being strong enough to handle life's challenges. This goes back to my childhood when my sister was killed in an auto-accident adn the ways my life changed as a result.
If you're fears come true then what happens?
Panic ensues creating more fear.
Is this fear holding you back from being the best person you can be?
Absolutely, without a doubt.
What can you do to become more of a free spirit and follow your journey?
Learn to rely on my Higher Power (For me that's God). Learn that life will not always be rosy. But that it won't always be bad either.
Letting go is going to be hard for me, every fiber of my being will resist it. But I want to change. I want to so badly.
She really helped me understand a lot about myself and why I'm having such a hard time detaching.
I still carry a lot of emotional baggage from my childhood. This created a strong need to feel in control. No wonder I'm struggling so much with this, I have no idea what's going on with WAW.
Next week, I'm meeting with a MC who also specializes in addictions. He feels confident we can work on some of my codependency issues. I'm hopeful this isn't a lifelong process, but it is what it is.
Still NC with WAW. It's been over 2 weeks now. I still miss my best friend like crazy but realize she has some work to do on her issues.
I still carry a lot of emotional baggage from my childhood. This created a strong need to feel in control. No wonder I'm struggling so much with this, I have no idea what's going on with WAW.
Next week, I'm meeting with a MC who also specializes in addictions. He feels confident we can work on some of my codependency issues. I'm hopeful this isn't a lifelong process, but it is what it is.
Good news, and Bad news....
Good news is, that you are seeing the potential for what is inside of you....
Bad news ??
Isn't really that bad....
It IS a lifelong process being self aware...
I felt much the same as you when I first started this...
And I still learn something each and every day about myself
One day you will look back on this, and be thankful for the opportunity that changed your life....
Having a tough time with PMA today. No contact with WAW has been really getting to me.
I often question if this is just making it easier for our relationship to completely die.
I've read a lot about going dim/dark (no contact) and wonder if I'm doing the right thing.
Yes, I know WAW and I have issues that we need to work on but does that mean we can't have simple friendly, non-relationship exchanges as a means to work on our friendship? Or keep the lines of communication open?
I'm also having a hard time detaching from how quickly this all happened. I know that I zero control over it but I still often wonder the why's, how's etc.
Because I don't know what's going on with WAW, I'm feeling stuck. Do I continue to follow the painful path of DB? Or do I completely cut her off, tell her to come get her things from my house, and tell her take me off of FB as her boyfriend and hope that makes me feel better?
Also, before she left she asked me that if she went to therapy, if it would be too late for us to reconcile our relationship?
I'm wondering if she meant that or if she was using it as a means to keep me as a Plan B if she doesn't enjoy her new life without me.
I know she is depressed and her thinking is probably all over the place, I struggle with how "in to" me she was just the week before she left. Mind reading, mind reading, mind reading. Ugh.
