So I've had several posts in the last few days, and my W has been crying frequently the last few days. We have a rental unit that is changing tenants, and this occurs tonight. Earlier in the week I received a text from the tenant saying they would be able to exchange keys etc tonight after 6. I mentioned it to my W, and then forgot about it.
Plans were made, she "needed some time" on Saturday. She was anxious to make plans. I know she hasn't seen OM for awhile. Yesterday I got a text from tenant reminding me of meeting Saturday night to exchange keys. I forwarded it to W, as she always asks me to ask her first about child care requirements. I don't really want to take all my kids with me, and she doesn't want people to think she has "checked out" or left (her words, not mine)
Long story short, she never responded, and I asked her last night again, and it created a breakdown, she was crying, really freaking out, talking about her plans etc. She was a mess. Pointless to discuss anything with, and really unreasonable.
My question is, should I have her help, or not even ask her. Part of me thinks it's better to do it all myself, and then part of me is frustrated she checks out, This is a mutual asset. I think the answer is do it myself, but I feel that just makes it easier for her to see the OM. I don't feel I should facilitate that in any way. Is that controlling and self-centred? Maybe a bit?
She hung up on me after I listened to her complain about her scheduling difficulties. I said I'm sure it's really difficult, sort of sarcastically. She claims she didn't deserve that. Arghh.
I've noticed that women on the forum get a lot of advice to pick up the slack and protect themselves & their kids financially. Men on the forum seem either not to need or not to get similar advice. But the truth of the matter is that left behind means left to carry on basically all the responsibilities they've walked away from. If you ask once and she's not covering, then it's probably on you or has to be dropped. She's not reliable right now.
Is there one thing about this situation that is fair or reasonable? Nope. Sooner we get our heads around that the easier it is to detach.
Sorry, hope it worked out all right.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It got hammered out, that she would meet me at the unit, take the kids for the 90 min I needed and then brought them back for me. It was fine. I didn't ask anything, probably was not as courteous as I wanted to be, and had to stop my mind from thinking where she had been and what she was going back to. I have my most difficult moments when I know she is in the company of the OM. I think that's pretty normal. I was in a great PMA on the outside when I saw her, but inside I was hurting. Badly.
Probably if I'm honest with myself, part of me wanted to disrupt her time with the OM and remind her she has children. I'm not really proud of that, but admitting that to myself tells me what I need to work on. Being genuine in my actions with her, and not doing certain things to try and get results from her. Reflecting on this, it's easier to see than when I was trying to figure out what to do. Hindsight, now if I could only go back 18 months......
Still, I am not going to rely on her for anything. Nevertheless, this whole thing is unfair and unreasonable as you said, so true. Tells me I still need so much detaching. I've held on and strong for a long time, but sometimes it just takes a little something and I'm snapped back in. Oh well. No confrontations, and I just got my little monkees to sleep. Now to make some plans for GAL.
I hear you on wanting to remind them about their kids. And I don't feel particularly ashamed about it. My kids want their dad and they are entitled to have him. He isn't around enough to realize how much that matters to them.
Hope you have some great plans for the week!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Ya know, I bet that's all a WAS really needs....someone who continues to "remind" them, b/c we all know that it is forgetfulness that caused the problems in them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I didn't say I would act on it... just that I wasn't ashamed of the impulse. I know it wouldn't be productive at all. I am as entitled to my frustration and hurt as my H is, I'm just making a different kind of effort at dealing with it.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
It just struck me kind of funny how much I read this on the board. It is very....very common to see LBS's say they want to remind their WAS of something. I truly meant no personal offense toward you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
