hope456 - accepting my new reality

[hope456]

H called this morning and told me that he is filing "that petition" today.

[labug]

I think this is definitely somewhere I need to work on improving.

Yes!

Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.(livestrong)

It gets easier after the first couple of times.

You did great.

[Georgiabelle]

It isn't my job to rescue my H. Still, I hate to see him struggling so much.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Hi Hope,

Just catching up on your sitch. No, it isn't your job to rescue your h. He has financial responsibilities and you should not try to ease his responsibility. I don't say that to be harsh, however it is part of the maturation process and independence. This goes for everyone....our decisions have consequences. We have all felt some positive consequences and some we did not enjoy. Whether it is the WAS, LBS, and anyone else. Your h is a big boy and must learn to take care of himself. I do know how difficult it is to stop trying to "fix" our hs. (Raising hand over here)

Good for you for taking your d to therapy. My older 2 see a therapist and it has been beneficial for them, particulary my d9. It's very difficult to see your children in pain and struggling. I look at therapy as a chance to help my kids learn to cope with some of the curveballs life throws them. They certainly didn't ask for this.

Hang in there and focus on you and your d. Good luck with the potential new job prospects! That's always exciting:)

[KGirl]

First - I'm very sorry about the news from your H today. I imagine that it must be difficult to hear that he's finally taken that step (although we have yet to see if he actually follows through...?)

Re: your previous post about H asking about your job interview, what is with them wanting to know everything about us but wanting to keep their own lives a secret? My H did the same thing this weekend. He was "going away" for the weekend and only after I put some pieces together/overheard phone conversations with his mom did I realize he was going to his parents. But yet, when I was gone for 12 hours on Sunday, all sorts of questions: "So where'd you eat lunch? You must have eaten dinner somewhere too..? Where'd you have a bonfire? Who was all there?" etc. I also feel bad and want to rescue my H in some aspects (like taking care of the cat when he's "gone", whatever that means) but he chose to take on these responsibilities, he will need to learn to deal with them. I think they need to struggle for awhile before any change, if it's going to happen, can happen.

[hope456]

Thanks labug, GB, and KGirl. I appreciate your responses.

So, my H did file for D today. Though this wasn't a huge surprise, I was very disappointed that he called me on the way to the courthouse to tell me he was doing it. He claims, repeatedly, that we are "best friends" and that he never wants to lose that. I asked him very recently to please keep me informed as to timing so that I wasn't blindsided and his way of doing that was to call me on the way to the courthouse. WTF is wrong with him? When I said (calmly), "I thought you were going to make sure I was aware of timing", he said, "Well, I was planning to do it Friday, but I had some free time today, so I decided to go ahead and do it." Yup, totally how my friends treat me. He knows that I'm upset and his response to that was, "I told you I was going to file." This is SOOO not one of those cases where knowing in advance that he's going to file sometime makes it easier when he actually does. He kept telling me that this is hard for him, too, and he's sad about it, too. I call BS. If he was that f*&king sad about it, he wouldn't do it.

I was actually really calm when he called this morning to tell me. After making a little small talk, he said, "I wanted to let you know that I'm going to file that petition today." I just said, "OK." He said, "I have some time today, so I'm just going to do it." I said, "OK" again. A few hours later, I called him on my way back to the office from lunch. I wanted to remind him that he was picking up D7 even though I had her tonight and that I needed him to call the cable company. He told me he would call about cable and then started the following conversation:

H: Do you have a second to talk?

Me: OK.

H: Well, do you have a minute?

Me: I'm in my car.

H: You told me before that you didn't want to have any involvement whatsoever in this divorce.

Me: That isn't what I said. I said that I would not expend any effort to file for a divorce that I did not want. (This was in response to him asking me to get my sister to file the petition.)

H: Well, then I misunderstood. So, how involved do you want to be?

Me: I'm not sure what you mean. There are certain aspects I have to be involved in.

H: I agree. So, do you want to be present for all the court appearances?

Me: Assuming that we agree on everything, there is only one court appearance to enter the decree and finalize.

H: OK, so do you want to be there for that?

Me: That appearance is to say before the judge that you agree that the marriage is insupportable and there is no possibility that it can work out. If you are asking me if I want to be there to swear that under oath, it's never going to happen.

H: Well, I need to know how involved you want to be because of some paperwork I have to fill out. There's this form about whether you are contesting or not.

Me: I can't answer that question without discussing with my sister.

H: You are being very defensive for no reason. I need to know these answers.

Me: I am not trying to be defensive, but I also am not going to answer questions when I don't know the consequences of my answers.

H: So, I just have to wait for you to do the research and get back to me on your time?

Me: If you want my answers, I guess you do.

We got off the phone and I almost immediately got a text from him:

H: You just got extremely defensive for no reason at all. Can I expect all of our conversations to be this way from here on out?

Me: I was not defensive. I am uncomfortable giving on-the-spot answers to questions with which I am unfamiliar. I would prefer these types of questions be asked outside of my normal work hours.

H: Okay. I'm not trying to manipulate you in any way. I just have to get answers to some questions. We can sit down and talk about it tomorrow night.

Me: I have plans tomorrow night.

H: Okay, Friday.

Me: I will be available to discuss Monday night after D7 is asleep, provided that you have emailed me the pertinent information prior to that in order to give me ample time to do my own research so that we can have a discussion.

H: Okay, I will do that.

H: I'll send you a copy of the paperwork.

Me: I need to understand what that question is and means as well. Is it in the paperwork?

H: It's a copy of the paperwork I will need to fill out.

Me: Have you already filed?

H: No, only sent in the petition.

Me: Doesn't that mean you have filed?

Me: What is the form called that is blank?

H: I don't know. I thought filing was the 60 day thing.

Me: No. That would be finalizing which you cannot do without my involvement.

H: Ahh.

H: I'm not very good with any of this.

At that point, I called my sister and explained to her that H clearly had NO understanding of what he was doing. She said that she wanted to talk to him to explain the process so that I didn't have to continue to deal with his lack of understanding about it. I called H and he reiterated that he didn't actually know that he was filing (though he still definitely wants a D and wanted to get the ball rolling). While talking to him on the phone, I was able to determine that he is actually trying to draft the decree himself. My sister will be doing that. I told him that she would. He said, "Oh, well I thought you said you didn't want her to do it, so I was doing it." I clarified that she would write it and he could have an attorney review. I told him that she wanted to explain the process to him so that he had a better grasp. He called and she explained it. He sent me a message later to tell me that he appreciated her help.

On my way home, he called me again and the conversation dissolved very quickly. I assume that is because both of us are highly emotional right now. He never called the cable company. He didn't have time. Though he did have time to drive 30 minutes each way to the courthouse and file for D.

So, he dropped the petition off at my house while D7 and I were gone to dinner. I did get a chuckle out of it. He got our wedding day right, but was a year off. Now he gets to file an amended petition. And yet, I'm sitting here right now, thinking, Poor H. I hate that he's struggling so much. It must be so frustrating for him to try to navigate this without any idea what he's doing.

After all this, I took D7 to get Chinese food for dinner. My fortune cookie said, "Your cheerful outlook is one of your assets." Sounds like a reminder. I guess I'm going to have to dig deep and find where it went into hiding In that spirit, D7 and I still had a great night. We went to dinner and for frozen yogurt. When we got home, we played Battleship (she won) and then read her devotional for the day. She's so sweet and affectionate and fun and it's really hard to be in a bad mood around her. I also made plans with a friend to see a movie on Friday night and to go to brunch on Saturday.

[hope456]

My sister and I are going to sit down this weekend to draft my response to his petition. She's already frustrated with me because I don't like some standard language (like agreeing that the marriage is insupportable), but she's finding alternate ways to word it. I recognize that it isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it is important to me that I don't sign something that says I agree with what he's saying when I absolutely do not.

I feel like I've started grieving all over again. I hate this. This is not the life that I want for myself.

Oh, and H still isn't "closing the door on us" as he doesn't know what the future holds. I don't know how people go through the pain of a D and then still reconcile. I don't know how I could ever believe that next time the vows would mean more to him than this time. It seems insurmountable to me.

And, I'm not even sure how to hope for R now. What does that even look like? I just don't see him changing his mind.

[Georgiabelle]

Hope,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. However, I wanted to point something out that I noticed in your posts. You seem to have many reactions or feelings associated with h's behavior. That's normal and understandable. However, I see that you keep mentioning "you were disappointed" or "h surprised you" or "h let you down" etc....I know this is incredibly difficult. Drop any all expectations of your h. I know he wants to be "best friends." Many say that (I am not saying your h does not mean that)and things do change as the process moves along. There is no need to try to commit to a "label" (best friend) that honestly probably doesn't feel right at this moment.

Labug is right. Detach. Your h is not behaving like the h you married. IMHO, I would focus on detaching, your d, you, and keeping your R with h pleasant yet treating him like a neighbor you see from time to time. It sounds like you guys talk a great deal and some of those topics aren't out of necessity. It also sounds like some of these discussions lead to disagreement and hurt feelings. Which brings us back to detachment. Most of that exchange about the petition was entirely unneccessary and should have been condensed.

Keep it to your d and finances. Be pleasant, and don't offer to rescue or make things easier for you h. He is 35 years old. You can't rescue or fix him. It won't work. He has to make his own decisions and own all that goes along with those. We all do.

Hang in there:)

[labug]

You don't know what the future looks like so you don't know if he'll change his mind or not. Let him figure all this D stuff out, I'm a little unclear about why you're helping him so much.

I was very disappointed that he called me on the way to the courthouse to tell me he was doing it. He claims, repeatedly, that we are "best friends" and that he never wants to lose that. I asked him very recently to please keep me informed as to timing so that I wasn't blindsided and his way of doing that was to call me on the way to the courthouse. WTF is wrong with him? When I said (calmly), "I thought you were going to make sure I was aware of timing", he said, "Well, I was planning to do it Friday, but I had some free time today, so I decided to go ahead and do it." Yup, totally how my friends treat me.

Would you say this is a snapshot of your communication with H through your time together? IN reading it I could see both sides because I'm not emotionally invested. He thought he was being clear, you thought you were being clear.

What can you do to make communication better?

I also think you're both over-communicating right now.

[hope456]

I called and made an appointment with my DB coach for this afternoon.

I'll respond to the excellent posts above when I am not using my phone.

[owl777]

DBing coach will help. He wants to keep his BF, and have his piece of cake too. Do you want that? I didn't settle for that and will not. I stand firm that if H wants a D then I'm done with a R at all. Now, my sitch is such that he won't MC or even try, but I went dark when he wasn't communicating. You have a daughter together and have to communicate, but you don't have to be BF. You can be friendly, polite and caring. You need to give him a reason not to D you. That's my opinion. Others please respond if I'm wrong and misguiding Hope456.