We have MC appt again this afternoon. No idea how I want to deal with that. I'm thinking of asking for 5 minutes at the start of the session with no interruptions. State why I'm there and my boundaries on MC. Then let MC run with it. Funny, at this point I'm almost looking for MC to tell me this is irreconcilable.
I'm pretty sure nothing I say in there impacts anything. Not sure yet if anything MC says sinks in at all. Don't know why it would.
W told a friend (who then told me) that she isn't sure I can meet her needs. Friend asked her what she had to lose from going to MC to find out. Asked her how she was going to live and support family if she D'd. Explained to her that she would lose the house. W had no answers.
If it were not for being on the board, you would probably be in such a state of shock at this point (after OM#2) that you would not be able to function well enough to protect yourself financially.
She's headed for a bad place. Don't know when, but it's coming.
I know you are suffering, but you sound stronger. You are going to make it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Can't imagine what your going through. Unbelievable really, but I've learned a WAW's actions can often be surprising. Your doing a great job processing all this, as it must be extremely frustrating.
From my own experience, I'd be careful hoping the MC will influence or change your W's actions. I've been in a similar position where I was hoping for the MC to step in, and she did, saying that there was no point in MC while the A was ongoing. My W simply said that she had no intention on stopping her A ( not in words like that, it was more wishy washy, at this time, I'm not prepared .....garbage) . And I also stopped it, as I was advised by everyone on the boards that it would not be fruitful given the OM was still involved.
Your W is definitely going to have to realize this on her own. Whether you remain there or not will of course be up to you. Great work so far, and good luck. Stay strong
If it were not for being on the board, you would probably be in such a state of shock at this point (after OM#2) that you would not be able to function well enough to protect yourself financially.
I believe you. And there's still a back story that I owe you one day that will make your jaw drop.
I was working with one bank yesterday trying to find out some old valuations at the time of my marriage. We tried for a half an hour to go at the problem in different ways unsuccessfully, when he finally asked me why I wanted to know this so badly. I laughed and explained D law. He apologized and we went back to work. 5 minutes later we found enough info to figure out what I needed. He wished me the best and charged me nothing.
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She's headed for a bad place. Don't know when, but it's coming.
Oh, ya. And I'm pretty sure at this point that it won't hit her until I am no longer around to rescue her. But the kids are going to need papa bear.
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I know you are suffering, but you sound stronger. You are going to make it.
I'm disappointed that we got here. I'm disappointed in her inability to confront issues without running away. But I have no doubt that I am going to make it. What choice do I have?
MC session was interesting today. Again, I started off with a totally positive message to learn from past, leave it behind and work on future.
W tried to demonize me, but MC doesn't let her off the hook so easily. W says "I tried and eventually I learned not to bother." MC replies "Oh, so you checked out of the M without communicating." Threw W totally off her script.
It's clear that W doesn't want to fix anything, but she is being challenged a lot. MC doesn't let her deny OM, either. She is right in W's face. And MC will not let anyone spew blame.
W tried to say that all her CC's that went to collection were just "bills I hadn't paid". MC shut her right down and told her she had been dishonest about spending.
The hardest one was W saying I never had any involvement with the children.
W then tried to say she was concerned about message to children. She didn't want them to think it was ok to stay in a bad marriage. I asked about the message that when things get tough, you stop communicating then run to someone outside the marriage.
I don't know the net outcome of this MC. I think this MC might not be bad if W were into fixing things - as it is, it's R talk during an A. It's rattling some of W's story line, and right now, I don't think anything can hurt my situation, it's that bad.
Anyway, W was gone for a couple of hours after the appt - probably to the posse. At dinner, she said she was going out tonight, so that's either posse or OM. I just shrugged. Those kids (that I have nothing to do with) and I have homework to do.
From my own experience, I'd be careful hoping the MC will influence or change your W's actions. I've been in a similar position where I was hoping for the MC to step in, and she did, saying that there was no point in MC while the A was ongoing.
Oh I really don't hope for much. We're doing 3 MC sessions, so I'm trying to get something out of them. MC was realistic with W about A - even if this M doesn't work, you two need to communicate to co-parent.
But I really don't think it hurts to have MC call BS on W's stories. Don't think it helps, but it rattles W's narrative and it's fun to watch.
As for W, she won't realize anything until she wants to go out and get a tan and buy a new pair of shoes, and realizes she has a car payment, mortgage, taxes, utilities, insurance, kids, and no income. And that of course, will be my fault. And I wish any OM all the best with that.
I know our financial situations are similar from what we've been advised, and I couldn't agree more, that's when some sort of reality will set in.
Glad to hear you've got a set plan and duration for the MC. It's always nice to have validation, just so hard when the WAW doesn't listen to anyone else anyways.
Sounds like your MC is proactive at least. My W has been continuing with her own IC with a focus on the past and her childhood. I like how your MC called her on her story. Smart man you are, aware of the situation. Sit back and enjoy it while you can. Keep making yourself strong.
I'll tell you, we were both a little worried about the MC when we met her, she was a little loopy, but that first impression was wrong.
Anyway, one other funny thing today... MC makes us take turns, and if we interrupt, she jumps us, big time. She takes no crap.
So it's my turn to respond to something W said, and I'm about 10 seconds in when W is shaking her head repeatedly. MC stopped me, and proceeded to dress down W, telling her she couldn't invalidate what I was saying by shaking her head, she had to listen to my perspective without any shaking or groaning or anything disrespectful.
Fortunately, earlier, in my first response to W, I had started by saying that I heard and appreciated her perspective, and while I had a different perspective, I could not deny that that was how she felt. I caught MC nodding at that point, so I knew I was ok.
If it were not for being on the board, you would probably be in such a state of shock at this point (after OM#2) that you would not be able to function well enough to protect yourself financially.
By the way, let me take this opportunity once again to thank the board. Without this community, this would have been a very confusing time. I'd especially like to thank you Sandi, and Starsky for keeping me in line.
There were easily a half dozen times today in MC when W said "you didn't do x, until the last 6 months". That means my 180's were noticed. It was a small, small pleasure to be able to look to MC and say, "See, I'm taking this very seriously and trying to make the changes in me that will help out my relationships". I owe that to the DB philosophy and the continual encouragement found here.
