Claire its hard to stay positive when your life has been blown apart, dont beat yourself up! That said it really does pay to remember the positives in your life and one each post is a great idea, I find a gratitude list helps when i'm feeling particularly negative
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
Positives, as promised: Yesterday I cooked an actual meal for me and D from scratch when I got home from work (rather than heating up leftovers), stayed cool when she was cranky (hungry, probably), and clamoring for my attention, and we ended up having a great dinner together! . Then, I went to bed before 11:00. For maybe the 2nd time in the last 6 months. That is a HUGE accomplishment!!
Beautiful sunny day. Lots to feel blessed about.
Thanks for all the great words of support. I am so appreciative that this forum exists.
An actaul meal! Well done! Cooking meal for me and the kids seems so difficult! I'm not sure why when its only 1 less person. Lots of quick dinners here...
Keep it up Claire! You're doing great!
M:41 H:38 D:6 D:3 M:11 yrs T:15 yrs Bomb: Feb 8/14 Seperated: Feb 12/14
"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Plato
Ok, folks. I need some very practical advice. This kind of thing keeps coming up and I don't know how to respond.
We have a very regular parenting schedule worked out. So, when something comes up during his time, he writes, "I am busy <during the time he is scheduled to be with D3>. I'm happy to try to switch things around a bit that weekend, or take her for a couple of hours on that day if you need to run errands, or you can just spend the whole day with her. Up to you, assuming you are available."
*Blink. Blink blink.* Seriously? Every.Single.Time I have needed to change the schedule, I have *asked* him if he is available, and *asked* him to let me know if he is not so that I can make other arrangements. W.T.F.?!
I want to scream at him. I know I can't. But what *can* I say, besides, "I'm not available, sorry." Or, do I just say that?
Please...I need a reality check and advice! I have been such a good Db'er for a long time. But I am really about to lose it. He does this all the time. He has her for one overnight a week.
I would make him stick to the current plan. If she is there she's his, if she's yours she's your drama. In your time you organise baby sitters etc don't rely on him.
Same goes to him, if you were dead/sick he would have to manage. He will, learn how if you let him.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Been doing lots of thinking about this... no response that indicates to him that I care at all *how* he informs me of his change in plans seems useful. He will only get defensive and see me as weak or petty or overly sensitive.
It doesn't matter what he says or how he says it, does it? All that matters is how I react. I can either say, "Sure, I'm available and I'd love to spend a bit more time with D," knowing that at some point in the future I'll need him to be flexible for me. Or, I can simply say, "I wish I could help, but I'm not available."
The fact that he feels it's ok to act like we are buddies when it's convenient for him gives me a great incentive to GAL so that I *am* in fact unavailable!
Sometimes I feel like I am walking a fine line between "keeping the road home smooth/being someone only a fool would walk away from" and being a doormat.
Spent some time tonight re-reading my first thread, and especially 25yrs advice to me. Gotta say that in all my IC, no one has ever thought I needed to hear it that way. I DID. 25yrs, you've been quiet on my thread for a while, so not sure if you are listening...but just in case: THANK YOU. You've changed everything!
I'm focusing on putting out into the universe what I would like in return...but with no expectations. This weekend went from "I don't have any plans" to nearly every chunk of time filled with something (and someone!) fun-- both with and without my D3. All because I reached out to offer and accepted invitations (without anxiety about last minute changes). It was great!
And focusing on the positives on my end have helped me not focus so much on my H.
consistent change is most important for ME.
Major 180 tonight: H was over my place to spend time with D3. Usually he gives her dinner and puts her to bed on Mondays while I'm not home. Tonight I had some work to do so I was there. She threw a fit, asking for mommy, refusing to let my H help her get ready for bed. (She is fine when I'm not around, but it is typical for her to be clingy to me when I am there).
In the past when this would happen (on the rare ocassions when H would be home in time to put D3 to bed...), we would both get stressed and upset, and I would also be annoyed and resentful that even though H was home in time for bedtime, it still all fell to me because D3 was running the show. I would give in to "save" him, which I think made him feel relieved but also resentful of me or bad about himself.
But tonight? I stayed totally calm, didn't get upset, didn't get stressed, didn't give in. And sure enough, she calmed down and he put her to bed no problem!
It has been pretty silent on my thread..and I could really use some feedback.
I know I shouldn't "keep score", and I shouldn't let his actions have any effect on me. And yet, I'm feeling frustrated:
H has D3 one overnight a week, and puts her to bed at my home 2 additional nights. On those nights, I get home at 8:30. That is our regular schedule. So, that means that 4 nights a week, he has zero parental responsibility. While I have one. And on an additional 2 nights/week, he has no responsibility after 8:30 pm. So, if he wants to go out, he has lots of flexibility-- certainly much more than I do.
So he emailed me the other day to tell me that he has plans on two of his bedtime nights. I already wrote about it above. I asked him to "trade" me another night that I needed coverage for. His reply was "I'm happy to come Put her to bed any night you need--assuming work cooperates"--and he doesn't think we should have to keep track and do one-for-one trades because "over the long term, things will work out somewhat evenly".
But the reality is that it is not even. I'll admit I was a bit of a score keeper, and at the same time I'm really frustrated that even though he already has so much personal time, he still has to infringe on mine--without even really requesting it. And I'm frustrated that he doesn't really seem to care that he will miss his limited time with his daughter for when any "important" social event comes up (in this case, I'm 99.9% certain it is to watch the world cup.
I can't think of a DB way to respond... please help! I am open to hearing other perspectives. How do I co-parent in a DB way?? This is an issue that is causing me to cry-- which I have done very rarely lately.
