Thanks for the feedback. It's a tricky fine line for sure. I want to make it clear I understand no good comes from anger, or ill will. Nothing productive would arise from that, and I recognize that from my behaviour early in my stich.
In our M, I constantly pointed out the positives that she does, and the difficulties of parenting. However, it seems like my words didn't mean much to her. Often, when I look back, I was trying to rescue her or protect her from any pain. Reflecting, I could have voiced my support in several better ways. I'm proud of many of the things both of us have done with our parenting.
Truth is, parenting is hard, and it's challenging having three young children. Doesn't mean it's an excuse to walk out of a marriage though. Escaping to a different world where OM has no kids and there are no parental demands, is unfortunately her reality right now. Unfortunately, you remain a parent for your lifetime.
I can and have pointed out positive things before and in the past, but she needs to believe these things herself. I can't continually protect her and praise her. The kids struggles currently have a lot to do with her actions. She doesn't see that, or doesn't want to more likely. I'm trying to remain upbeat and a positive role model for them. I think it's important.
I have told her I am concerned for her health and that the kids need her. She has told me that she cannot separate me from the kids, and that is why she has left. None of this of course explains her affair in any way, shape, or form.
I agree Maybell, that parenting is a hard and difficult thing to do. There is a lot of judging out there. While I recognize and appreciate the pain she is in, and must be feeling due to guilt, frustration, sadness and anger, I find it very difficult, as I feel like she is not willing to work together to tackle these issues, as she continues her A.
Thanks so much for the feedback. You've made me think about my actions, which is great. Making sure I can believe and am aligned with my actions is imperative.
Anyone else have any thoughts on how to validate and recognize her parenting struggles without rescuing her or protecting her as I used to do all the time?
I'm sorry if I was insensitive on a sore spot for you.
I'm quite sure that one of my H's issues with me is that I never believed him when he pointed out the things I did well, either. Partly because I was so aware of the ways in which he disagreed with my parenting. Partly because I felt very strongly that he didn't understand me. If he had ever validated my concerns and then followed up with some version of "have you thought of any constructive ways you might handle that?" or "is there one particular thing you can make better now?" I would have felt a lot more validated and empowered. (that second question I wouldn't probably recommend to you, because she knows there's subtext about OM there. But maybe down the road...)
You are in a horrible spot, and I'm so sorry for all of it. Your kids are lucky to have you. It is really tough to feel the weight of that, especially when it seems so needless. I wish you & your family all the best.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I appreciate your insight. I didn't mean to come across like that at all. It's an awful situation all around. And you are right, I should have validated her struggles in a much better way when we were M. Part of this whole process is determining my role for sure, and this is one thing I wish I had been better at for sure. Most of her validation on this issue has come after the S.
Thanks for the wishes. I wish you all the best in your sitch as well, and please feel free to comment at any time. Feedback is always welcome and appreciated
It started last night when I got home from my work, my W was at the house as she had put the kids to bed, as she does on the nights I work late. She then asked me if I had plans for tonight. Because she wanted to make plans herself. I'm so tired, and haven't seen my kids much this week at night, so I said I hadn't. It's a very busy weekend, and when we spoke about it earlier in the week, I had mentioned it wasn't likely either of us could make any plans, and it wasn't spoken about again until last night.
I assume she is trying to meet up with the OM. It makes me mad, but I realize I can't do anything about it. I actually want to spend the time with my kids. So I told her she could do whatever she wanted and felt was appropriate. Big mistake, my tone and the way I spoke betrayed my disgust and I was probably trying to make her feel a little guilty. 2 X 4 me now, it's a horrible way to operate.
We also need to make some decisions on some kids activities in the fall, and I want to see her thoughts on registration. She commented that the kids may not be able to do what they were doing before, and I commented that I want them to feel as few ramifications from what is going on as possible. Again a mistake. The use of ramifications as a word really upset her. She said I was trying to make her feel guilty again.
I'm left to wonder, am I trying to make her feel guilty or does she already feel guilty? I assume the latter, but I didn't feel good about the interaction as a whole. I am now fighting the urge to get into a discussion about the OM. Arghh, is the weekend here yet?
I assume she is trying to meet up with the OM. It makes me mad, but I realize I can't do anything about it. I actually want to spend the time with my kids. So I told her she could do whatever she wanted and felt was appropriate. Big mistake, my tone and the way I spoke betrayed my disgust and I was probably trying to make her feel a little guilty. 2 X 4 me now, it's a horrible way to operate.
. . .
We also need to make some decisions on some kids activities in the fall, and I want to see her thoughts on registration. She commented that the kids may not be able to do what they were doing before, and I commented that I want them to feel as few ramifications from what is going on as possible. Again a mistake. The use of ramifications as a word really upset her. . . .
Personally, I thought your first comment was unnecessary, but the second one was perfectly legitimate. If anything, I would have used an even STRONGER word, rather than ramifications:
Although I question it sometimes when I feel the urge arising, I know it is far too fruitless to pursue, although so tempting at different points. A conversation about the OM with my W that involves reason is not possible. More to the point, what does it do to change the situation....nada.
Starsky, I agree my first comment was unnecessary. Thanks for the suggestions. I'll make sure to use a stronger word next time. I regretted the first comment right away. Just need to learn to engage the mind before speaking in all situations
Just called to speak with my youngest at home. He was outside gardening. His mom was supposed to pick him up. I guess after the discussion on ramifications, she was paralyzed with anxiety and fear, and hasn't picked him up yet. This is according to her when I sent a text asking where she was. The mess continues.
Thanks for your support and comments. As always, can't imagine where I would be without the boards, although in the throes of a heated D battle would be most likely. Keep the good battle going
Is it normal to occasionally be furious towards the OM and the incredible stress he has caused on my life?
I know it's short sighted to not take responsibility myself, and to not blame my W, but sometimes I like to think their are other people that don't destroy families. There is zero respect on my part for the OM, and the qualities of someone who pursues someone married with three young kids.
Of course this conveniently allows me to blame others besides myself and my W. Just a little rumination on this Friday night.
I'm right there with you. We were raised with moral values, and it's an affront to us that people would do these things. I often thought of OM as a coward - too weak to leave his W or fix his problems.
But it is simply this: there are a lot of people out there who weren't raised with the same value system, or they later shed it, and are just out there having fun, living life. Hedonistic, self-centered.
Maybe they are doing it right and we aren't. Apparently they don't have any trouble sleeping at night. And we aren't sleeping that well at night lately, are we.
I think it all comes around in the end though. You do right by people, and it comes back to you. And you have to live with yourself. Can't remember where I read it, but it went something like 'Nobody lies on their deathbed saying "Gee, I wish I'd had an affair."'
The best night of sleep I've had in months was the night I dreamed of slapping the ever-loving crap out of OW. I was like a new woman the next day. But in all my rational waking hours, I've had more contempt for her than rage. It's hard sometimes to admit our fair share of blame for the state of the marriage when there is an obviously immoral target out there interfering with our families. It may not be helpful, but it is certainly human. In a primal way.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
