It's a great point Sandi, and I need to be reminded of it. I completely relate to Maybell, and I too realize it really accomplishes nothing. If anything, it creates the burden that created some of the problem in my situation. I understand this.
I guess, as part of my detachment, it's better if I have no reliance on her. I believe that is part of the definition of detachment anyways.
So my question would be, the fine art of limiting cake eating, and maintaining boundaries. I don't want to play family while we are on this pathway. My WAW tends to want to do this. And my stich is complicated by her mental health, which goes up and down.
I feel her family, financial needs and probably some of her emotional needs, especially when I validate previous issues, are being met by me, while her emotional and sexual needs are being met by the OM. I validate her concerns about previous issues because they are legitimate issues where I made mistakes during our M. I made several mistakes, which I'm still working on. While this continues, I don't see her having any need to make any changes, as she is having many of her needs met, by different people.
Dev, you're doing well. We all have our moments which we realize we shouldn't have opened our mouth. It takes great restraint. It's absolutely critical not to even mention the OM. It's even more critical not to think of the OM. That's a surefire way to drive yourself crazy. I know. I do it all the time and I'm trying my best to stop-thought. When drawn to think about the OM stop your thoughts and focus on another area of your life that's not in turmoil. As for cake eating, that's also a challenge. Offering validation is feeding her cake. I would think that cutting that out for a week and see what happens would qualify as an experiment. I would think that more distancing and less interaction with W would also be called for. Detach. Only deal with her on kid issues that are absolutely necessary. When you come home and she's there, just say hi and say she can go now. Don't linger with her - go do something - laundry, dishes, anything. Just limit your interaction. Just quoting the 180 manifesto here.
Affairs are like an addiction. The addict will not admit there's a problem until they hit rock bottom. You have no control over that. But you also should not be an enabler. By withdrawing from the fray you leave her on her own to face the consequences of her behavior. No rescuing. No validating. Just be civil and pleasant and be happy. Whistle while doing the dishes while she's standing there waiting to leave. I know it's hard. Seems we're all going through this crepe together. Read some of the advice Sandi gave me on my thread. There's gold there. (Thanks Sandi)
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Thanks for the advice. It's been an interesting few days here as usual. I've been trying to follow Sandi's advice that I've seen in your stitch, and continuing to work on detaching. Your right it's so hard to not think of the OM, but it is getting easier and easier.
I do need to continue with detaching, and working on my own issues. This is really where the validation issue comes in. For the last few years of our M, it seems I didn't listen to my wife, and I made all the decisions. She felt trapped and suffocated. My validation is merely acknowledging that I did not listen. A good indicator for me that I was wrong, is if the situation is replayed to me and I cringe, usually means I wish I had done something differently.
I like the ideas for 180s, and the minimal contact. My W is still a bit confused I would think. She texted me to ask if we should go look at an open house in the neighbourhood on Saturday, as it's a house she has always liked. And then she also texted she would be unavailable next Tuesday. Her words exactly were I know this "doesn't really make sense". She's right on that. Obviously, if there is an OM involved, we can't even look at new houses etc. I have no idea where she is getting that idea from, or what she is thinking.
Going to try your suggestions for even less contact and try to see how that plays out. The marathon continues slowly and steadily.
Dev, I think that's a good sign asking if you want to go to the open house. It seems to indicate that in the back of her mind she is still think of the two of you as a viable couple but in her chemically induced state of confusion nothing makes sense. Remember what they say, that affairs don't last. After six months his warts start appearing and the WAW starts seeing and feeling the insanity of it all. I would suggest that you two go to the open house, but from your point of view, just look. Nod and say hmmm. But don't take her bait on any conversation. Like, no comments. Just let her feel the void on your side. I think that her seeing a new house, read: new possibilities, new life, new marital relationship, may give her some food for thought. You never know what triggers someone to wake up. Just a thought. I don't think it could hurt the situation. Although astronauts say, there's no situation so bad that you can't make it worse, I don't think that applies here.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
In the middle of insisting that "this isn't what he wants" my H was also talking about refinishing our hardwood floors and adding a screen porch to the house. He's lost and doesn't appear to realize that what he is doing is real.
I don't know if you should go to the open house or not, but I lean towards not. This is because *in my case* it reinforces the "not real" quality and reduces the bite of natural consequences. You seem to know what you're doing so I'll just back you on the crazy-making quality of these spouses and tell you I'm cheering for you. Best!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I haven't made a decision on the open house yet, and today I got a few curve balls. Saw my W this AM to do a child exchange, and she told me she thinks she's having a MLC. She was on her way to IC. I listened and absorbed what she was saying. I didn't say what I thought and what jumped into my head first, which was "your just realizing this now???" I said it must be very difficult to feel that way.
Then on her way to IC, she called me to see if we could have a heart to heart tomorrow night. I have no idea if I should go, what I should do, and haven't even had anytime to process this. The roller coaster continues. Looks to be a busy afternoon while I try to figure this out a bit. Could use some advice, I'm nervous about it.
Dev, Here's what Sandi suggested to me regarding the heart to heart: Your biggest temptation will probably be to discuss the relationship. It only hurts things at this point. Talking will not fix the problem now. Nothing will work to fix the M until she gets OM out of head and life for good. If she tries to talk about R, just tell her that when she ends the A, she can talk then. But then add "However. I won't wait forever". If that conversation happens, then don't tell her anymore. When or if she brings up the R, you hold your hand up in the "stop" position and tell her that unless the A has ended, there is nothing more to discuss. When she does end the A, and she goes through the withdrawals (which is a subject for another time), then the two of you talk if she is interested and approaches you first. She should be the one to initiate. Kudos to Sandi for this advice. It moved my sitch in a forward way. Still a roller coaster though.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Dev, Here's what Sandi suggested to me regarding the heart to heart: Your biggest temptation will probably be to discuss the relationship. It only hurts things at this point. Talking will not fix the problem now. Nothing will work to fix the M until she gets OM out of head and life for good. If she tries to talk about R, just tell her that when she ends the A, she can talk then. But then add "However. I won't wait forever". If that conversation happens, then don't tell her anymore. When or if she brings up the R, you hold your hand up in the "stop" position and tell her that unless the A has ended, there is nothing more to discuss. When she does end the A, and she goes through the withdrawals (which is a subject for another time), then the two of you talk if she is interested and approaches you first. She should be the one to initiate. Kudos to Sandi for this advice. It moved my sitch in a forward way. Still a roller coaster though.
If there is, indeed, still an OM in your sitch, Dev . . .I AB-SO-TIVELY agree with this ^^^ 1000%.
Great advice. I will be following Sandi's and your suggestions regarding the conversation, if it actually occurs.
With respect to your questions Starsky, I'm not 100 percent sure, but I think the OM is still involved. I've completely stopped snooping, but I think she has plans still to see him. I haven't asked any questions or brought up the OM in a long time. I guess I will ask if we have the conversation tomorrow. Not so much ask, but emphasize that nothing will happen while she is involved with the OM.
Legal proceedings are not occurring at this time yet. I have protected myself and my kids and our assets as best as I can, and have a L that I am consulting with when I have legal questions. We need to wait a year here anyways. Time may or may not be on my side.
Thanks for the suggestions guys, for something to work with now. I'll see what happens now.
