labug, thanks for your reply. I see what you are saying.
I've been reflecting a lot on the advice I've seen on other threads (including my own!) You're right-- my life, and my DB process is about much more than my H. Some signs of my own progress that I wanted to share:
-- Had an inspiring and productive day at work, and feeling very optimistic about the next phase. -- Set some boundaries in an assertive, but not angry way (at least, I made a very honest attempt to do that). My mom's anxiety was spiraling out of control-- I didn't get angry at her. My brother started yelling at me-- I stayed calm, validated his feelings, and he ended up apologizing.
I've been thinking about the advice I gave another poster-- to "Choose" love. I don't feel much love for my H right now. But can I choose to? Hmmm, how do I act in a loving way towards him while also DB'ing? DBing seems self-centered in a lot of ways. I wonder about the difference between showing love (one of his biggest complaints about the M) vs. 'pursuing'.
And labug-- while I don't think I'm ready to date yet, I do miss intimacy. It's been a long time since I've felt emotionally intimate with someone-- this was something that I felt was missing for me in my M.
Perhaps you didn't have emotional intimacy because you weren't ready for that either. We have to feel really safe to have that. What's your definition of emotional intimacy.
I can say that my H and I have much greater EI than we've ever had and we've been together a long time. We have that because I feel safe and a lot of that had to come from me and my work on myself. He had very little to do with that process.
You do have to be with someone who can accept and support that intimacy and in turn, be intimate with you.
Someone you trust with the most precious thing you have, you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Labug-- its really only very recently that I've learned to truly love myself for who I am. So for much of my M, I was insecure and looking to my H for validation and my sense of self-worth. I had a lot of fear, and I couldn't be truly honest about the self-hatred I felt (and depression....and anxiety. ..), because if I told him, I feared he would not want to be with me. (That worked out well for me, didn't it). He knew I felt overwhelmed and depressed; but **no one** knew the extent of it.
I also couldn't see outside of myself to recognize that it wasn't always about me-- he has his own issues that he sometimes projected onto me, but I wasn't strong enough to realize that. And I played such a victim that I couldn't see how I perhaps needed to support him differently.
Soooo.... what an interesting day/evening. Spent the day with my family who tend to trigger all my anxiety. (They did, and I handled it... ok, but not great. But I was also tired and hungry at the same time.) On the very bright side, when my brother started yelling at me and acting immature, I worked hard to stay calm instead of escalate. We ended up hugging and apologizing sincerely to each other. In many ways, it was really interesting to have a chance to resolve a conflict with a man. Besides my brother, there's not too many people in my life (besides my H, obviously), who offer me a chance to hone those skills. I was able to see some concrete differences in the way I handle things.... and perhaps more importantly, I was able to see myself handling things much differently (and more effectively) than my mother does.
And then, later in the evening, my H was over and we were trying to figure out a summer schedule with our D (I was calm and composed during that convo). After that... I initiated some R talk with my H. I haven't done ANYTHING of the sort since mid Feb.
I don't want to mind read. But I think I just might have gotten him thinking a little bit. I stayed calm and composed, and I took responsibility for a specific way that I showed a lack of support and understanding for him during our M. He thanked me for that. And he was able to admit that he was not a good communicator, and he is working on that. I told him I was impressed with that-- because i know that looking inside yourself and trying to grow is not easy. I told him that I admired him for doing that.
It's probable that he's still leaning towards feeling "I'm sad about this, but what's done is done and there's no chance of reconciliation". But I know that is mind-reading big time. Because on the other hand, he didn't say anything completely final, and he was visibly upset. I said that I believed strongly that, underneath everything, the problem was that we didn't have the tools, or support, or knowledge to make things work. I told him I had never learned how to be a good partner-- I had no good role models, and no tools, and I also wasn't healthy enough to be able to find or use them. I told him that I've been doing a lot of looking inward, learning about myself and what makes relationships work, and that now I think I DO have some practical tools, and that I'm much less likely to make the same mistakes again in my next R, whether that is with him or with someone else.
I confidently ended the conversation, stayed cool and composed. He's gotta be thinking at least a little bit.
IMO, I think you did great considering the situation. Also how you handled yourself with your family, it seems sometimes they purposely push our buttons however it's our reaction that counts just my 2 cents
Me 34 M 2.5 (Both 2nd M) My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12 BD 2/14 D final 7/2014
[quote=claire7]And then, later in the evening, my H was over and we were trying to figure out a summer schedule with our D (I was calm and composed during that convo). After that... I initiated some R talk with my H. I haven't done ANYTHING of the sort since mid Feb.[/quote]
Hi Claire. I know from Sandi's pointers that we shouldn't bring up our R. How/why did you do this? I really want to do this with WAW but am scared it's too early even though we're getting along great.
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
It's probable that he's still leaning towards feeling "I'm sad about this, but what's done is done and there's no chance of reconciliation". But I know that is mind-reading big time. Because on the other hand, he didn't say anything completely final, and he was visibly upset. I said that I believed strongly that, underneath everything, the problem was that we didn't have the tools, or support, or knowledge to make things work. I told him I had never learned how to be a good partner-- I had no good role models, and no tools, and I also wasn't healthy enough to be able to find or use them. I told him that I've been doing a lot of looking inward, learning about myself and what makes relationships work, and that now I think I DO have some practical tools, and that I'm much less likely to make the same mistakes again in my next R, whether that is with him or with someone else.
I confidently ended the conversation, stayed cool and composed. He's gotta be thinking at least a little bit.
Then let him think. Don't bring it up. Continue to let him see your changes through actions instead of telling him with words.
Thanks CSan, Hope and bashy for your reply. hope- great advice. I will continue on with my DBing.
bashy-- I've been thinking about sharing those thoughts with him for a while. And I don't know-- I just decided to experiment. I haven't brought up ANY R talk in several months. And I went into the conversation with no expectations. I just wanted to tell him something I had realized about myself and our M, but I had no expectation of how he would respond. If he had responded negatively, I would have said something validating and switch the subject.
So far I've been letting him drive the D train-- he sets up meetings with mediator after asking if I'm willing to have another meeting. I don't step up to lead at all-- I don't ask or offer what the agenda should be, I am letting him be in charge of it.
It's moving very very slowly.
Should I be a more active participant? (I think no, because if he wants a D, he can work to get one, right?)
But I can also imagine him getting annoyed that the process is so slow. ..and blaming me for that. (Mind reading, right?)
