A comment H made last night just came back to me. He asked me to call him when I was on my way to tuck in D7 last night because I told him I was going to be a little later than usual. When I did, he told me that he was feeling very anxious. What he described was like how I feel when my thoughts are spinning. Really easy to empathize and validate that feeling these days!
After I tucked D7 in, I grabbed my keys to go and H stopped me, asking if I wanted to hear a song he wrote. Seven months ago, I would have said yes, but he would have been able to tell that I wasn't really paying attention and that I wasn't interested. I've been making an effort for months to be present and show an interest in the things that are important to him. So, I said yes and listened attentively and thanked him for sharing it with me. I should have made my way out the door then.
Instead, H asked if I wanted to talk for a bit and I said sure. I let him lead. He talked more about his anxiety and then said, "I'm just wondering, OK now what? This isn't how I expected my life to be and so now I can't figure out what comes next." The first time he said it, I said, "I can understand why you'd feel that way." When he said it again, I said, "Who knows? Maybe you come back." He immediately said, "Don't think that. I don't want you to have false hope." I said, "I didn't mean right now. I thought you weren't closing the door." He said, "I'm not. As much as I've hurt you, if I were closing the door, don't you think I'd just tell you that, too? I just need you to know that I'm not rethinking my decision." I said, "I understand that."
I guess I expected him to be more sure of his decision when he made it. And maybe he is. He just seems awfully broken up about it. No expectations, I know.
He called a little while ago and asked if he could come make dinner for me and D7. He seemed to be in a much better mood than yesterday. I said, "Sure." He might just be excited about getting to use our kitchen, which was remodeled exactly the way he wanted it a year ago. His mentioned missing it multiple times.
If only they would realize that all the effort they are expending trying to not feel guilty or move on or find happiness or whatever away from us could *just as easily* be spent trying to do those things WITH us.
If only they would realize that all the effort they are expending trying to not feel guilty or move on or find happiness or whatever away from us could *just as easily* be spent trying to do those things WITH us.
If only...I just remind myself (repeatedly) that he must really, really feel that this is the only option and he can't see any other way. It's very difficult to accept, but I'm getting there (at least I think I am, most days).
I had an interesting conversation with my sister last night. My parents have been D'd for 25 years. My mom was a WAW. Since then, she's been married (and divorced) four additional times. My dad remarried 18 years ago. That M has been unhappy for a long, long time and he has been talking about a D for ages. My mom told my sister that if my dad and his wife actually end up getting a D, she wants to call and see if he wants to "talk about things." She'd like to spend time with him and see how things progress. Who knows what will happen? BUT, if my mom can consider reconciling with my dad, there's still hope for all of us here.
Spent a few hours with H and D7 this evening. She was very happy that we were all together. H and I cooked dinner together. That really means that he tells me what to do to help, but he does most of the work. Mostly I miss the companionship and partnership my H and I had, but, sometimes, I really miss the practical, convenient stuff...like the fact that he's an amazing cook. Dinner was delicious
No pressure, no R-talk, just family time together. It was good.
Interesting thing from tonight. H knew that I was hanging out with a friend of mine on Friday. She was at my house when he came to pick up D7. Before she and I went to the movie, we went shopping. Because I've done so much GAL this weekend, I hadn't put all the shopping bags away...just the stuff I'd bought for D7. So, there was still a bag from Victoria's Secret sitting on the counter when he got here today. After dinner, we were watching TV and he said, "You and {friend} do some shopping at Victoria's Secret?" I just replied that we had. He said, "I saw the bag. I didn't look or anything." Ummm, ok?
Good for you keeping it dim in your 180. I'm sure your WAS was flipping out inside with curiosity on what he is missing out on! Trust me he will be thinking about you and the mysterious lingerie for quite a while now. Don't drop your guard yet, make him work for it----keep the conversation light as you draw him in on your terms. Cheering you on
Me 42 W:35 M: 14yrs T:15yrs D: 8yrs D:6yrs S:3yrs BD: "I want a D"09/03/14 Sep: 30/06/14
Don't give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
H just told me that he told his mom about our situation a couple of weeks ago. She hasn't reached out to me at all. Last time around, she was my biggest supporter. She was more like a mom than my mom ever was. It is really, really painful that I'm losing her, too.
My in-laws reached out to me one time and that was it. It would have been better if they'd stayed quiet. My MIL told me "kids deserve to grow up in a happy home" -- in SUPPORT of H walking out. Our home was perfectly happy before he walked out, so far as my kids were concerned. And he hadn't actually spoken to her about anything, either, nor has he told his family the truth about what he's been doing.
Probably best to try not to mind-read your MIL. Especially if you & your H eventually reconcile.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
