If it were not for being on the board, you would probably be in such a state of shock at this point (after OM#2) that you would not be able to function well enough to protect yourself financially.
I believe you. And there's still a back story that I owe you one day that will make your jaw drop.
I was working with one bank yesterday trying to find out some old valuations at the time of my marriage. We tried for a half an hour to go at the problem in different ways unsuccessfully, when he finally asked me why I wanted to know this so badly. I laughed and explained D law. He apologized and we went back to work. 5 minutes later we found enough info to figure out what I needed. He wished me the best and charged me nothing.
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She's headed for a bad place. Don't know when, but it's coming.
Oh, ya. And I'm pretty sure at this point that it won't hit her until I am no longer around to rescue her. But the kids are going to need papa bear.
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I know you are suffering, but you sound stronger. You are going to make it.
I'm disappointed that we got here. I'm disappointed in her inability to confront issues without running away. But I have no doubt that I am going to make it. What choice do I have?
MC session was interesting today. Again, I started off with a totally positive message to learn from past, leave it behind and work on future.
W tried to demonize me, but MC doesn't let her off the hook so easily. W says "I tried and eventually I learned not to bother." MC replies "Oh, so you checked out of the M without communicating." Threw W totally off her script.
It's clear that W doesn't want to fix anything, but she is being challenged a lot. MC doesn't let her deny OM, either. She is right in W's face. And MC will not let anyone spew blame.
W tried to say that all her CC's that went to collection were just "bills I hadn't paid". MC shut her right down and told her she had been dishonest about spending.
The hardest one was W saying I never had any involvement with the children.
W then tried to say she was concerned about message to children. She didn't want them to think it was ok to stay in a bad marriage. I asked about the message that when things get tough, you stop communicating then run to someone outside the marriage.
I don't know the net outcome of this MC. I think this MC might not be bad if W were into fixing things - as it is, it's R talk during an A. It's rattling some of W's story line, and right now, I don't think anything can hurt my situation, it's that bad.
Anyway, W was gone for a couple of hours after the appt - probably to the posse. At dinner, she said she was going out tonight, so that's either posse or OM. I just shrugged. Those kids (that I have nothing to do with) and I have homework to do.
Man, (as others have pointed out) you sound as good and as strong as I've heard you yet, Zew. There are people on here that I post to that I wonder whether or not THEY will make it. Not their marriages, but THEM (because we can NEVER predict whether or not the marriage will make it, and it's entirely outside of the control of the betrayed spouse anyway).
I know now that YOU will be okay. And fwiw, I think your wife is being a fool, and that you will be a GREAT "catch" -- for *someone* -- down the road. This may or may not be your wife (I happen to think it will be, but she may have to crash -- hard -- first), but you will find a much healthier, stronger relationship with a woman in your near future.
Thank you, sir. I never had any doubt, but I really appreciate you saying that it shows. I'm a persistent SOB, and I've seen the destructive emptiness of self-pity and have vowed never to waste much time there. I've always been pretty intent on getting from point A to point B. When finding myself at point C, I assess how I got there, take in the unintentional scenery, then replot my course.
My fear had been getting out and running my own social life again for the first time in 20 years, but I've confronted that with GAL over the last 6 months, and although it's not my comfort zone, I have met some fine people and enjoyed their company. While I'm nowhere near as connected as my W, I've never needed more than a few close friends.
I still worry about how she will support and care kids if I pull the plug on this carnival ride.
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This may or may not be your wife (I happen to think it will be, but she may have to crash -- hard -- first)
We just don't know, do we. I have my doubts, of course. W knows I care because of what is said in MC, but she's also seen me drop the rope in everyday living. The house isn't really "home" for her anymore - we all kind of expect her to just fly through on her way to somewhere else. I know she isn't comfortable there. Kids ask where mom is - she's not there when they get off the bus anymore, and she's out most evenings.
Her commissions aren't flying in, so her exit timing is shot, and shockingly, OM1 did not leave his W to rescue my W and live happily ever after with her. I have an inkling that OM2 is waning and there may be an OM3 on the rise. It really doesn't matter any more and I don't care to find out. She may learn that D'd men in bars will hit on anyone, and it doesn't mean a damned thing, but I think she's scrambling for a new plan. The crash will come. I don't know that I'd take her back if she didn't crash hard. (and I don't say that vindictively at all)
And I'm learning in MC that W has so, so much to fix. She's made some good progress with her T this year, but there's a lot to do, and I have no confidence in her T anymore. And the level of commitment I would need to take all that on... hell, I'm thinking post-nup, which is no way to run a M. (that may just be me being dramatic)
Anyhow, I have my own plan. I know a lot of unexpected things can happen in a short time. (all bad, so far! C'mon 7!) I'm keeping an open mind and haven't cashed out just yet.
But much more importantly, D12 becomes D13 today. I told W this morning to brace herself, because we now have a teenager to deal with. I've been really careful to give her all the time I can over the last 6 months, and it has been the best time I've ever spent.
Wow. I really hope you can do what is needed to DB and save R & M. Too many here saved ourselves, but something deep inside tells me you keep it up Zew. Focus on your daughter and son and GAL, 180 and all you can learn. Give it the best shot and be that super super DBing story! Praying and giving her to God Almighty may do the trick.
I noticed a couple of months ago that she had a book in her nightstand. Don't know when she read it - could be years ago. It was about using the power of prayer to improve your marriage - if only I had clued in back then as to what she was feeling.
The ironic part was that the bookmark was at the start of the chapter on infidelity. Like maybe she hadn't read that chapter yet. Yowsa!
Your marriage is certainly going through trying times. I also see how much you want to keep your family together. If you have not spoken to a Divorce Busting Coach yet, please call me to discuss our program. The information in the books and online community participation is extremely helpful, but, nothing compares to the personal and specific stratgies our coaches provide. I urge you to call - 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
We all went out to birthday dinner tonight for D13. W was in pain just being there, having to sit next to me for 2 hours. Didn't wear her rings, texted all through dinner. Said all of 3 sentences. She headed straight off to bed once we got home. Fun way to live, that. We used to enjoy going out together so much.
I'm GALing out to dinner next week with a bunch that can talk and have a good time over a superb meal. Looking forward to it.
Yes, it was bad for D. Tonight was worse. Because we were out late at restaurant last night, we saved birthday cake and candles for tonight. W was going out, but D said she wanted her cake, so W took the 45 seconds to light the cake and sing. D didn't blow out the candles fast enough, so W did it for her. That could not stand, so we re-lit the candles and D blew them out. W left. Who knows where.
I lit a big birthday bonfire in the firepit and the kids and I played with that and made smores. I posted a nice picture of it on facebook. Sitting by the fire, D commented that this birthday had the most lame singing of happy birthday ever. I sang her happy birthday right then and there.
We had a good time tonight. I love my daughter so much. She knows stuff is going on and she's been really good about it, and she knows I'm always here for her. And I think back to my W the other day trying to convince the MC that I had no involvement with my kids. Ha. The pictures on facebook say otherwise. You know, D will remember today forever, and the fact that W just couldn't get out of the house fast enough. Who does crap like this to their kid?
My h started eating the cake bc my son didnt come downstairs fast enough for happy birthday. It really sux to think the parent you chose to raise kids with is now...this stranger.
Keep being a safe listener encouraging your d to share her feelings, and know that sometimes you just cant make it better. You need to model how to cope with those feelings, a skill she will need for more than this event in her life.
W being a crummy parent is between d and w, and when d can verbalize that to her mom they will create whatever relationship theyre going to have. What you say and do can make it worse but cant make it better. Be sure and tell d often that this is not her fault. (I could see being a teenage girl, since my whole world is about me, if my moms being a jerk there must be something i said or did or wasnt good enough for her to love me.)
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My h started eating the cake bc my son didnt come downstairs fast enough for happy birthday. It really sux to think the parent you chose to raise kids with is now...this stranger.
Keep being a safe listener encouraging your d to share her feelings, and know that sometimes you just cant make it better. You need to model how to cope with those feelings, a skill she will need for more than this event in her life.
W being a crummy parent is between d and w, and when d can verbalize that to her mom they will create whatever relationship theyre going to have. What you say and do can make it worse but cant make it better. Be sure and tell d often that this is not her fault. (I could see being a teenage girl, since my whole world is about me, if my moms being a jerk there must be something i said or did or wasnt good enough for her to love me.)
I sang her happy birthday right then and there.