Validation: Cheat Sheet

[Ready2Change]

Link

Validation is a one-way street. It's something you do, not something you receive (unless you are very lucky). I validate coworkers, my boss, my girlfriend, my kids, my XW. I get a little bit of validation back now and then, it happens so rarely that I'm usually like "wow!" Validation is an unusual skill, so don't be surprised not to get it back because most people just don't know how.

[Someguy6]

So what if one of the problems she says in the relationship was lack of conversation, short and sweet with no details might be a turn off no? She wants to be able to talk for hours on end every single day the rest of our life.

[Cadet]

So what if one of the problems she says in the relationship was lack of conversation, short and sweet with no details might be a turn off no? She wants to be able to talk for hours on end every single day the rest of our life.

Validation is being a good listener- she talks you listen

[Ready2Change]

She wants to be able to talk for hours on end every single day the rest of our life.

YUP, just like every other woman on this planet. Listen to understand how she feels and validate. This is how you emotionally connect with a woman. She talks, you listen. Few words from you, just enough to show that you are paying attention. Full eye contact.

[Dannet]

Yes, indeed patience and love is the key to co-exist in a harmonious manner as couples. As men/husbands we need to be able to absorb, harbor and self contain the emotions of our wives.

From my own personal experience, marriage, as it is, represents a beautiful institution for happiness and fulfillment but if problems and challenges befall it the beauty and the goodness it breads turns chaos, sorrow, and turmoils. I have come across so many good advises and coaching directives from many experts. My wife and I and our little boy faced serious challenges which almost swept all the happy chills and family joy from our lives and nearly led to divorce.

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I pray you also benefit from it. Please let her express her emotions out loudly with time and your patience you will appreciate everything about her and realize how sweet she is.

[HopeCA]

Where do we stand on validating after the fact? My H sent me a text message a few weeks ago in the midst of some highly emotional talks. It really bothered me at the time. As I look back at it now, I see that it was a surprisingly open and vulnerable statement (rare for him) and I missed the opportunity to validate his feelings.
Would it just be weird/overly pursuant/etc to revisit and validate now?

[DaB35]

Hope, I think there is time limit to validating something the S says, particularly if not made face to face like email/text.

I think delete the text as you'll keep going over it. You'll remember what he said. Next time you see him you could offer a validation if the right moment was there. Otherwise, it may be best to not mention it.

Not sure - I'm not a trained psychiatrist!!

[Ready2Change]

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One thing I've forgotten to mention is that the last time I saw her (17 August), she took a cheeky jab at me.
Somehow we got on to the idea of me meeting someone else in future, and she said, "Well when you meet someone else, hopefully you won't be as horrible to her, and then you can...[rest of conversation]." Or words to that effect anyway.

I didn't pick her up on it, and instead let it slide as I couldn't be bothered to argue, but did give her a look of "that was unnecessary."

If she says something similar on Sunday, I was going to ..simply say, "we're here to discuss the house and I'm here to collect my mail. That comment is not necessary and uncalled for." Advisable? Or is that too aggressive?

Validate. Don't get defensive. WAS's are incredibly skilled at jabbing where it hurts the most.

W: "blah blah hopefully you won't be as horrible to her blah blah"
Dan: "You are saying I was horrible to you."
W: "Yes! What? You don't think you were horrible to me?"
Dan: "It sounds like that felt really awful and upsetting. Can we please discuss the house now?"

[Ready2Change]

Link

At the end of the day I want a happy, loving relationship (and the intimacy that goes with it) more than I want to be "right". As I agree with this now. Unfortunately there is no more intimacy between us, I just want peace I don’t want to interact with her anymore.

I do understand that, but what I mean is in ALL our relationships (friends, family, coworkers, clients) it's better to let go of the need to be "right" in favor of maintaining a relationship on good terms. This was a big 180 for me because before BD I wanted to be "right" to a fault, and I wanted to prove my point until everyone admitted I was right. but even when they did it didn't bring any sense of "victory", it just made me realize how stubborn I was being about it. So like I said before, validation is a handy tool because you're not pushing your agenda to be "right", nor are you admitting you are wrong. It's a neutral, non-confrontational stance. It has made my relationship with my GF much better, and has also improved my relationships with all other people in my life.

[DaB35]

I like the idea of letting the S 'hurl' the stuff in your direction, but rather than let it hit you, dodge out of the way by validating. As said before, you don't agree, you just empathise and try to understand how they are feeling by using the words they've given you (though being mindful of avoiding just repeating them parrot fashion).

Checking one situation though which I'm sure many of us find/found ourselves in:

If S says something and you validate fine ("Sounds like that was really upsetting for you" etc.) and that is all ok, but then they push you to answer a further more direct question, e.g. "So why DID you do [x]?" or "Did you not think about ME when you did [x]?"
What do you say?

Having just typed that, the second example might be ok..."You're saying that I did not consider you when I did [x]."

However the first example - how do you 'deflect' the accusatory tone and empathise without escalating? What if saying something like "I will have to think about that" goes down like a bucket of cold sick, and they respond with "No I want you to answer that RIGHT NOW" ?