Dev, FWIW, I think your boundary about not talking about your relationship until the A/OM is done is a very reasonable one. It also happened to be one of mine. I think it's smart.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I have to say, this conversation about transparency makes me feel quite hopeless. I can't see how I can 'snoop' on H while we are physically separated. He is aware of the things I have access to (phone records, CC) so I don't think he would be THAT dumb to use them (he knows I do look at them on occasion). So what are my intel options while we're not even physically together?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
So why is it that you feel like you need to snoop? I mean you're separated, he wants a D, if an A is a deal breaker for you, then you might as well file and move on.
All this still makes you re-active.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Not sure if it matters but he's actually never said he wants a D. When directly asked he's actually said he does NOT want to D, although obviously the fact is he is unsure otherwise we'd be back together.
I would want to know because with all the warming and now spending time chatting and even a lunch 'date' today I would feel like such an utter fool if in fact he were continuing A. I think I could forgive him for the A but if he's continuing to play me now, after he was confronted and supposedly ended it, I don't know I could forgive that, I don't know if I could continue as I am spending time with him, etc.
Also, it seems SO common for A's to continue unbeknownst to LBS. I'm afraid I am kidding myself. I don't like that feeling.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
"I'm afraid I am kidding myself. I don't like that feeling."
Then lay out your ground rules with him. Tell him honestly that you are only going to be going out with him if he is not having any contact with the OW. Tell him that you want to trust him and you're going to give him the chance to come clean and will forgive him for it, but after that, there will be no second chances.
After that you are going to have to trust him at some point. If you can't learn to let it go, it will always be on the back of your mind and even if you do reconcile, you will always feel that you can't trust him.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Snooping on him will get you nowhere. I snoop for months, spent crazy $$$$ on private investigator and nothing to show for it. Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you. what you focus on is what will grow. If you cultivate sadness, regret, and revenge, then they will become your reality.
You might be very familiar with feeling like a victim. But this is a passive, unempowered position, leaving you waiting for words or actions from someone else, something you cannot control.
Taking responsibility means being open to recognizing how your own internal landscape is feeding your suffering. What thoughts make you unhappy? What feelings are stuck in your body and heart? How do you make yourself suffer by recycling negative memories through your mind?
Being stuck in the past means that a part of your heart is closed. Take responsibility for going right into those bruised and tender places.
All this talk about boundaries and snooping made me curious, I decided to check my windows.......there hasn't been any visible communication for a few days. That's only on what I have access into.
I'm really not sure what to expect and I plan on not expecting anything with the conversation tonight. No expectations, no disappointment.
"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed". If you expect nothing from him, you’ll never be disappointed. Be friendly, nice but firm without being rude. critical to keep all emotions in check tonight.
You might be very familiar with feeling like a victim. But this is a passive, unempowered position, leaving you waiting for words or actions from someone else, something you cannot control.
Taking responsibility means being open to recognizing how your own internal landscape is feeding your suffering. What thoughts make you unhappy? What feelings are stuck in your body and heart? How do you make yourself suffer by recycling negative memories through your mind?
Being stuck in the past means that a part of your heart is closed. Take responsibility for going right into those bruised and tender places.
Take care of you and only you for now.
Maybe it's just me, but I have no earthly idea what any of that even means.
How does sticking one's head in the sand about one's current reality make them a "victim?" I would contend just the opposite -- the truth and accuracy of what you learn empowers you.
