Here are some validating statements ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If H/W asks you questions, answer but be vague--don't launch into huge details.
WAS: How was your weekend? You: Great, went out with some friends and had a good time.
WAS: Where were you last night? You: I was at the gym.
WAS: What are you doing tonight? You: Probably going out to dinner.
Thank you Wonka! This is really helpful. I have been struggling on how to validate without being a pushover and/or coming across as indifferent.
On the being vague part, won't that make trust harder to build if one of the complaints was "I never know what you are thinking or planning on doing?"
M:36 W:34 T:9,M:4 Me,WAH:7/2011 My apology:12/2012 Her,WAW:01/2013 ILYBINILWY:4/2013 W's EA:5/2013 Sep:9/2013 2nd EA signs:03/2014
Validation doesn't necessarily have to mean you agree with them or condone anything... it means you are listening and empathizing. This is something I recommend including into your daily regimen with everyone. After all, nobody likes having their feelings or experiences discounted. What you're really doing is listening to them. I do this every single day with my clients (I own a company and my big hat is sales) and my daughters. I can guarantee you will have improved relationships with pretty much everyone if you learn how to do this sincerely.
And it's ESPECIALLY important if you get to piecing.
By doing this, you're telling them you are hearing them and making an attempt to understand their needs. And just maybe they'll learn how to do it right back with you.
Good luck!
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Was that your complaint about your spouse or his/her complaint about you? Just remember that they are highly likely not giving a crap about you making up for lost time now.
Validation is an excellent technique to prevent a situation from escalating if that's how your past communications went.
A typical conversation for me prior to learning how to validate went something like this:
Me: (Monday) I need a favor. I was invited to go to XX on Tuesday, but it's my night with the girls. Can we swap nights and I'll take them Wednesday?
WAH: Why do you always spring this on me last minute? I can't ever make plans when you do this to me! I hate when you do this, so no.
Me: Don't be surprised when I refuse to help you on a night you need it. You always think about yourself first.
As you can guess, things never worked out well and the kids were caught in the crossfire.
Revised:
After he replied with NO.
Me: Yikes, I do tend to spring stuff on you last minute. I totally understand how frustrated you must be when I pull this on you. I'm sorry. I'll let XX know I can't do it, and I'll try to be more mindful next time. Thanks for being honest with me.
Once I was able to acknowledge how frustrating my crap was, he stopped getting annoyed with me for asking for a swap or any other favor.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
It's not bad. It's not really empathizing, though. And mind you, I completely understand that she wasn't exactly empathetic about how you might have felt to the bombshell with her parents. So come here for your empathy...
How about:
"Yes, it's definitely been a stressful week. I'm happy to take the kids. When you get some time - probably won't be more than 15 minutes - is is possible to call me so we can plan our time with the kids? They're in the middle of this, and I want to make sure that they have time with both of us because they need that. I'll do whatever I can to help."
Stress the importance of the kids. And if she's not agreeing to do this with you under this pretext, well, then you've got some bigger issues looming and you can come here to get more specific feedback.
Make sense?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks Underdog! I will definitely look at and think about validation much more. I'm certain it is something that I was not good at with H.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Uh, you're not alone, and undoubtedly, it was a problem for all of us in our relationships. Both my XH and I come from parents who were/are really crappy communicators and we wound up always keeping score or one-upmanship. It wasn't until he left and I started working on the DB principles that things did a complete 180 for us.
We're divorced now, but people tell us all the time that we get along better than most married people. It's true. We have respectful communications now. My D20 told me yesterday (after I picked her up from the airport after a week in Holland playing volleyball), "I've been wondering. How on earth do you and Dad do it? When do you even make time to talk?" I laughed and told her, "We talk at least once a week during lunchtime and catch up. It's easy now." And truthfully, it all started here.
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Was that your complaint about your spouse or his/her complaint about you? Just remember that they are highly likely not giving a crap about you making up for lost time now.
Validation is an excellent technique to prevent a situation from escalating if that's how your past communications went.
The complaints were from her about me. This is great advice. What I am hearing is that being mindful and keeping my ego in check is part and parcel of validating?
Escalating is the right word. To the point where it felt easier to avoid issues which of course only made things worse.
On the being vague part though, when I GAL, won't that add to her sense of mistrust?
M:36 W:34 T:9,M:4 Me,WAH:7/2011 My apology:12/2012 Her,WAW:01/2013 ILYBINILWY:4/2013 W's EA:5/2013 Sep:9/2013 2nd EA signs:03/2014
So for you, being more specific--if the situation calls for it--is the 180 for you. Right?
So while Wonka is right about being mysterious, perhaps the better tact is for you to be honest? The mysterious part is probably for her to inquire and you to be up front about what you're doing. I'm not totally sure though. Can you share a couple of examples so we can better gauge where you might need assistance?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
So for you, being more specific--if the situation calls for it--is the 180 for you. Right?
So while Wonka is right about being mysterious, perhaps the better tact is for you to be honest? The mysterious part is probably for her to inquire and you to be up front about what you're doing. I'm not totally sure though. Can you share a couple of examples so we can better gauge where you might need assistance?
Betsey
I think you are right about being honest but not sure given the current context. I find I am struggling with her need for security and certainty, with the importance of my not being too available, GALing and being a little bit mysterious. Especially where we are right now with our R.
I am leaning towards the latter but worry that would destroy her nearly empty trust tank.
A couple of examples:
1. I began to wrap up our last phone conversation saying that I had to meet some people soon. The conversation was relatively calm despite it including how she was sure she was done with our M and was moving on. She said 'Oh okay, have a good meeting with your team.'
She thought it was a work meeting even though it was 7pm. I was going salsa dancing with friends but I didn't correct her and she didn't probe. My default would have been to clarify but I did the opposite. Made me a bit uneasy as one of my issues with her was her pattern of half-truths.
2. During my last visit a few months ago things were very tense. She did not want me there and barely allowed any conversation. I decided to take a day trip to a nearby town to take some time for myself and catch up on work. However, she texted me to find out where I was.
Her: Where are you? When are you coming home? Me: I took a drive to give you some space. Her: There you go leaving town yet again without telling me!
I wish I had known to validate her then. It may have changed that outcome. But still very confusing for me at the time. She would shut me out then turn around and blame me for not communicating with her.
But the dilemma still remains: to be predictable or to be mysterious on this DB journey?
