Yes, that is the plan. I am in the US about 30% of the time, where I stay with my MIL, and the rest mostly in Sweden. I'll need to get an apartment here, nearer to meetups, and life, and convenient for d16, with whom I've been having small episodes of interaction today. She is still mostly with W, but she and I will spend most of tomorrow together, on an excursion, finally.
Yes, I don't like the damper that my W is - funny to have two such different lives in different places.
Will need to see what happens with staying with MIL - she and I get along well and I think she enjoys having me there - W does not particularly like her mom, so perhaps that factors in too.
I'm sorry to hear about the hard nights. Things do look a bit better in the daylight, no?
I'm also sorry to hear that nothing has substantially changed in your R with W in the last 10 years. That means that nothing has substantially changed in the way that you relate to her. Taking good care of yourself is essential (GAL, etc.) but it's not sufficient.
It seems to me that you approach your W, as Pia would say, "from the worm position". Her reactions make perfect sense.
Folks here have been encouraging, cajoling, smacking you upside the head to get you to do something different. I don't think that's possible because no matter how much your conscious mind resolves to make a change, your lizard brain will sabotage it (it is trying to protect you and perceives this as life and death). If your lizard brain is hung up on the fear, there is no way you can think your way out of it.
I think you know that. That's why you seek experiential training - the desire for practice in *feeling* differently. You got some of that in EE, but of course it fades without reinforcement.
I encourage you to get to the root of the fear and give yourself practice feeling not necessarily fearless, but bigger than the fear. Do whatever is necessary. Can you find a T who does EMDR or tapping?
Any T, I think, should be future oriented, toward making a better new relationship (the current one is dead), perhaps understanding where things went wrong, and exposing the roots if possible. I think I've always been afraid of rejection - even sending you the Steve Albini quote made me a bit nervous (what will SD think of me now?) - it would be so wonderful to get to a confident, don't give a d--m place, and just be me, alive and free, with other people. Luke
Why do you continue to act based on the actions of your W? I mean you were too afraid to even scrape paint without her permission or her approval. In that regard, you have learned nothing. You allow yourself to be whipped. Sorry but that's how I see it and your depression is making things worse.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
At least d16 and I had a nice time today, driving 2 hours each way to the European Harry Potter exhibition (we are fans). I extended things out a bit by going to a second, different, show and then being forced to take a detour on the way home. At the end she was getting foolish in the car and poked me a bit, which reminded me how nice it is to have human contact.
Tomorrow d16 is home also, so we should have some more time together, though I need to work.
Cleaning and renovation are proceeding apace.
I am not ignoring your question, Bond - just don't have a good answer.
Though I'm baffled by your resistance to changing the dynamic b/c you're just stuck or fear filled, I applaud your GAL plans for when you are here, and I do hope you can create something like that, in Sweden and wherever you go...
I'm mostly baffled by what I perceive as a very low self esteem. Stubborn and I have met you. You're so much more than these words here. You deserve more than you have in your "marriage"...so much more.
It has been long dead and I don't actually understand the sense of "looming death" that you feel b/c as GM as said, this has been really bad for so long. Hanging over your head like the sword of Damacles. I'd think you'd want it to be done already. Frankly, I don't think you'll regret the divorce that much.
I think you'll regret living like this for so long and you not leaving sooner, or being the one to end it. Not b/c of pride, but b/c of so very much wasted time....waiting...in pain and isolation...
and writhing in discomfort in your own home. Geez, now I'm sad.
I'm sending you HUGS and the admonition to not ever worry about what others think of gestures of kindness from you...
Sending Stubborn a gift, was KIND of you....(feel free to send me stuff too!)
(((( ))))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Dear 25 - thanks for your kind words. Yes, perhaps there is a disconnect between what I post here and the man you know. I really do feel like two different people here and in the US -
I don't think I'll regret the divorce either. Right now is a painful phase, though, not helped by the shock of return and jet lag, but both are subsiding and my strength is coming back. I am able to look my W in the face and talk, and also to not give a hoot what she thinks (of the new, nicely color-schemed UCLA t-shirt I bought at the airport, for instance, gray and blue and gold).
Next Saturday I am going to a meetup where I represent the anti-technological, anti-centralised urban planning side (this for an engineer!). As I wrote to Stubborn, "so much to dislike and so little time to do it!".
Please see if you can get back onto the EE mailing list. I post there from time to time, sharing ideas or things I find good, and get positive feedback. The latest thing was a recommendation for the movie Lunch Box, which I found EE-ish and sympathetic.
I look forward to seeing you again - warmly - Luke
You know, maybe one problem is that I don't know my rights/expected behaviors in an intimate relationship, and so let my W determine them. I actually find it pretty easy to talk to people who aren't her ... there aren't the same issues involved.
I wonder if there is a positive example (film?) out there, showing what these are for a man/husband/spouse. I've seen the films Bond recommended, but don't feel quite Hugh Jackmanish or Daniel Craigish enough.
Are there any role model movies out there? My W once recommended James Dean ("do what he would do"), but the snippets I recall don't reach into being married.
The sky is still light, with no stars visible, a preternatural northern clear, an orange tinge at the horizon. The seagulls have quieted for the day, and rapid ripples cover the lake. Luke
