I hope you didn’t lose yourself. I do agree with you that our stitches do feel like a trap sometimes. I hope you have something fun to do this weekend.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
idk- I'd guess i'm here somewhere - . some days it's hard to figure who i've become , or if i'm just there inside "hiding" and waiting for it to be safe to 'come out" again. be me and world okay with that. i do not deal with criticism well.
(i'm back up here from bottom- perhaps i turned into a giant pity sponge (idk) - so feel free to not go further anyone worn out)
It feels mighty like the info we're getting alot seems to indicate we need to "change" who we are. i know it's supposed to be changing things about our self that are the less desireable aspects. Goodness knows i have some- am working on them - i swear...
But then, all this introspection can wear ya out. I just feel sometimes i've lost sight of old self- and begin wondering wtf...
Either everyone i know that i'm related to is around my age and having their own "crises"sss in life- sooo they're all screwed up themselves - (ACTUALLY, saying that out loud- i can see it's true here, each sister does have quite a huge "thing" going on in th eir own lives - of one sort or another. and certainly poor old mom (and what? insane old mlc h?)
i go around telling self it's not me - tho when you start to get a big group of people all "having issues" with ya- it's enough to make me wonder if it is me, in fact, afterall.
maybe i'm comfortable with taking blame & feeling guilt- but that's one of the things about me i'm trying to work thru and chuck out the window. it does'nt seem too likely in life that i COULD be the reason for everyone's junk. realistically - and how the heck can it be MY RESPONSIBILITY to be old ms reasonable and savior and "good egg" forever, to everybody , no matter what they say or do or make me feel, etc.
even the sister that has been telling me for past five years i'm a "sap" & "sucker" to keep going back to mom's after some of the ratty exchanges we have - or stuff she threw out- (she once called me a "good natured slob" - real nice huh??? whatta jerk -
here's her figuring out yesterday - that it's my job to place my own security aside and worry about her future & security first... wtf... i'm not so sure it's my job to sacrafice self for her....
people sure are wierd - i am continually amazed and then i'm amazed allover again that i'm still surprised at each wierdly quirky quirk that appears...
does it mean i really really have to ditch my rose colored glasses for good - in life? totally.... I used to think it was a nice thing about me - that i believe people are essentially good, and not meaning to harm ya, maybe careless of others sometimes, but not really "bad" or meaning to use ya , or blam ya pn the head , but i'm not so sure anymore. i don't want to be bitter & mean-spirited here..
But, i find i'm really thinking it's unfair (& or insane) for my 2 sisters to criticise (alot) my - uh hem - "economical" nature (like forever) and then think i should give them money instead of just me happily receiving a last gift from my mom. She worked so long nad hard for every little cent she saved - and it was such a struggfle. they used to make fun of her un-spending ways too.
She survived adn saved us all - it was awful when my dad died- she accomplished amazing things in her steady & spartan way - i am like her about money. i can see that today's "luxuries" cost us our "security" in the future. I always got that - when he died , the notion that it could be any of us any day. try and have a happy life and save your stinkin pennies - they add up more than you could ever know - they could matter a heck of alot if trouble came.
now, they seem to think that i should forego my inheritance and just hand it over to them because they need it more, and so on..... (no kidding) why should i feel guilt and they feel entitlement????? ya gotta wonder how they feel that i could possibly be "responsible" for my mom's actions and feelings and somehow supposed to put myself second in life, ALWAYS...
they are adult woman who have been making their own decisions for a long long time - and did have a hand in where they find themselves now -
i was happier with them on - the rosey glasses. . they worked for 60 years - it's hard to detach them from my head & my being. like when that ole tree trunk grew right onto and around the fence it was leaning on.
i don't like this feeling that maybe, just maybe, people don't give a darn what happens to me at all, it's just all about their agendas. wah wah wah- i know, what a big fat whining baby i sound like. maybe that was/is my big old problem in life- i want people to like me - to care.
i live in some sort of out-dated fifties tv show - no kidding. (good nite john boy, jim bob, etc. that is soooo me - and what i thought we were) (i kn ow, what a blind jerk i've been) all that family pulling together - care about each other - etc. that's croaked here long ago- and i think i've been tooooo unwilling to accept it all or see it.
probably died with my fav sister and mom getting mad to be old and feel badly - and being really hard to get along with. . you'd think i'd see the writing on that wall huh? my sister - poor woman drank herself to death because she couldn't "take" life as it was- it's a lesson , isn't it? life and people can be ratty but ya can't let it kill ya. and mom- she just ranted and railed against it all- but all it did was alienate everybody - who wouldn't bother to wade thru it- to even try & go thru it wi th her (old age)) idk
BUT - CAN YOU LET IT make you take off your rose-colored glasses????? do we have to? should we??/ or fight that-
okay- here's me quitting being a big old jerk- and i realize how i sound-
but, i still wonder - do ya have to give up entirely on people (people's intrinsic goodness?) is it really an antiquated notion and gotta ditch it? within reason- not see wo rld as an enemy- but be "guarded" allll the time with everyone - as a policy??
oh well- i'm sure i sound like a real neurotic - dope even to my self- but i'm tryin to cut thru the junk- it's about letting go of those favorite old notions in your head/heart- for dealing with people and life...
as usual- not sure wtf. think i'll take my neice shopping today- she very humbly was mentioning last nite the nice cloths some girls in school have - and i can certainly remember being a little (ish) rag bag with nothin new hardly ever - so i'm thinking here's a fun thing- buy her some duds to make her feel perked up- when you're fifteen you need to have some cute stuff to wear & feel all, who you are, fifteen & cutie pie - instead of just ug old stuff and so on-
it's all soooo wierd and tangled up isn't it-
I am truly sorry universe for rants - this got to be my place to run to when all this junk is bubbling out of my brain - and i cannot imagine what "the answer' is - I am - having some days of strange "pressure" when i'm in a mode of total - letting go - of years of really "important" duties I tried to discharge faithfully - and now all this crappola & pressure, worries - from people who did not hardly ever step up and help me with that JOB - THEIRS AS WELL AS MINE.
i am unwilling to buy into this all- and it's not like me- i feel bad sayin it- but there it is -
i just don't want to be anyone's "mom" - here. not my job anymore. i mothered mom and it wore me out.
i just wantt my own life again... now, where did it go?
My friend, it is safe to come out again. It is. Just be you. If anyone doesnt like it, thats their problem.
I have never felt that I was told that I needed to change my essence, Nero. If I was, I didnt listen. Who I was at my core, my values, my feeligs and beliefs, I did not change. I liked me.
I did need to change some of my actions, though. I did need to come to terms with some things and figure out how best to act moving forward. I needed to change my mindset about certain things. I am glad I did.
Introspection shouldnt wear you out, though. I just looked at the things my h said and figured out if they had merit. I looked at people I admired and figured out why. Once I got I needed, I went about making the changes I needed and wanted.
I think it is worth looking at, if you feel people have issues with you. Doesnt at all mean they are right. And it pays to see them for who they are. Its just more info for you to use to become your best self. But if you are happy with who you are, that is all that matters.
And yea, the taking blame and feeling guilt. I freakin lettered in that. I was the queen of it. Everything was my fault. And I mean everything. I dont anymore, though. I own only what's mine, thank you very much. The rest, belongs to whoever it does.
And no, you arent the reason for everyone's junk, Nero. You just dont have that kind of power. Thats theirs. Let them have it.
I was the reasonable, savior in my family, too. Still am to some extent. But I control how much for the most part.
I think you need to quiet the voices of your sisters and your mom a bit, Nero. You know your truth. They can think what they want. It doesnt make it so.
Please dont allow your sister to talk you into what she wants to do with the house. That would be a huge mistake. You would have to be gatekeeper and that is never fun. You have a right to feel secure, Nero. It is not ok for you to sacrifice yourself for her. You matter, too. Please remember that. You have nothing to feel guilty about, Nero. You have to change that mindset.
There isnt anything wrong with rose colored glasses as long as you have no expectations about what you will see. You just have to take people as they are and accept that and then decide how you are going to deal with them. Sometimes you will be disappointed. But thats because you had expectations.
My friend, I try to see the good in people. I also try to see them as they are. And I have learned to accept that not everyone is going to like, not eveyone is going to be kind or care and that's ok. Thats their choice.
But that doesnt mean I am going to be someone different because of that. I only have control of me. And I am going to be true to myself. Not because of how someone acts, but, in spite of it.
I think you are very special, Nero. I want you to see that.
I'd guess i'm here somewhere - . some days it's hard to figure who i've become , or if i'm just there inside "hiding" and waiting for it to be safe to 'come out" again.
Wow. Me too Nero. Me too.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
as to it being 'safe' to come out. That is the voice of someone who has been emotionally abused. I soooo didn't get it until a good friend pointed it out to me very patiently, over and over again. In one sense the world will never be the safe pre-lapserian place it once was, but if it fills us with terror we are recovering from emotional abuse by someone close.
I could not believe that this was the case, and much posting of advice to others fails to see this central point. It isn't the same as being a victim. Abuse is the one area where the abuser blames us and we blame ourselves. We feel scared, unsafe, and traumatized.
I think it may be the reason why some people here 'recover' so much faster - they either were not emotionally abused by their partner, or the partner didn't make it stick. We have to learn to recognise and undo the abuse, and that isn't easy. The first step is to recognise it.
I believe that all adultery carries the potential for emotional abuse. It is no sort of response to an "unsatisfactory" relationship and yet society accepts this lame excuse. Anyone who is unfaithful to their partner has big problems. If the relationship isn't working they have at least a 50% responsibility for working on it, not running off to someone else.
I am not saying we are perfect, simply that no-one has the right to cheat on another person and claim it is OK on any level. The problem lies with them, not us, but they try and shift the responsiiblity, even blame, to our 'shortcomings'.
Just read this and thought of you because I am always saying when the pain outweighs the fear, you will do something different. I am not saying you should because I see some positives happening. But I know that you question when you will know if you should change course.
There comes a time when the pain of continuing exceeds the pain of stopping. At that moment, a threshold is crossed. What seemed unthinkable becomes thinkable. ...Slowly the realization emerges that the choice to continue to keep doing what you have been doing is the choice to live in discomfort, and the choice to stop what you are doing is the choice to breathe deeply and freely again. Once the realization has emerged, you can either honor it or ignore it, but, you cannot forget it. What has become known, cannot be unknown again.
thanks for note - you are such a faithful guardian out there. (angel? we wonder???)
i need to "chaw" on your words - alot. I see what you are saying- and i always thought i was an okay person . My first gut reaction at bd was "this is f'd up- it's not ME whose freakin out" - this guy is crazy-. (i also had an instinct to "fight it" because what sort of schmuck would i be to just "hand over my life" without somuch as an objection???. i am not so sure anymore if i was right. once you find out (the hard way - unfortunately) you've made some HUGE MISTAKES in life- about people and what you saw & felt - and thought -
it kind of undermines everything. i mean, i WOULD think i'm swell- wouldn't I? i'm me. sooo- if a gal lets that sort of thing get a foothold (i guess i have) - a bit anyway - it could go very wrong.
i am having a lot of post-game analysis here with my mom sitch (yeah - i know - r.i.p) of course, it's easier to analyze away without "reality" in your face anymore.
i'm going to go clean and get the phone- and try and be lucid later. thanks for your thoughts- you're so supportive always. I'd sure like to feel special- can still remember how very much better than this it felt-
