"Man The F*** Up" The Ultimate 180

[RedHawk98]

Saw it on the side of a coffee mug.
That was my epiphany. I hope it can help other's in my position.

While a lot of my wife's behaviour suggests MLC at 31, I can clearly see now that much of this is to do with a loss of respect.
My mother in law was right when she was telling me about why her second marriage ended. In a pointed kind of way.

Yes, I used to be a bit of a people pleaser, with some conditions that were a hole in the bucket of my self esteem (crappy job, money troubles, fair weather friends)
That changed over the last year as I did things to make myself happy first for once.

Over our separation I have allowed her to talk to me like dirt. Like I don't matter. She feels sorry for me instead of admiriation.
I was scared to lose her completely.

Now it seems I have. As I look back I'm slightly disgusted with myself for how weak I have been and appeared.
Depression and stress will do that.

So recently she saw me looking better than she has ever seen me. Heard that I was moving country in a few weeks.
And I spoke to her in a tone that was a 180 of how I have been this last year.

Stronger and less tolerant of her wishy washy, self justifying FB postcard crap.

I thought I had seen and heard the last of her.

Until a friend of my family went into her store. She pounced on her, and couldn't have been nicer. When she has treated her with unjustified arrogance for a year.
Asking how everyone was, if she could help with her shopping and trying to arrange a home delivery for it.

My friend was stunned. Said that my wife had a slight look of panic in her eyes. Asking how all my family were.

The next week could be interesting.

[RedHawk98]

I did read those about 6 months ago, but the person they describe isn't me.

In fact I am sensitive enough to see the feelings and points of my wife.
I just don't let her wayward state affect me emotionally anymore.

When she is prepared to do the deep hard work I have done to be a better person, and put on her big girl pants and do the same, I would love to sit down and talk about reconciling and making each other's lives what they should have been.
Before external crap got in the way.

I'm hoping one of our mutual friends says to her soon,
"So you accused you husband of not being 'a real man', yet you traded him in for someone who's scared of spiders and your husband? Well done!" LOL

[Starsky309]

I did read those about 6 months ago, but the person they describe isn't me.

And yet "you" is somehow the man who wasn't good enough for her, and so she left you.

That is the thing we all must struggle with when we come here -- what is our true, authentic self, and does THAT man meet our wife's needs? And when he falls short, will she bravely work with us, or does she have some character flaw that shows that she would rather cheat on us and leave the marriage?

I personally find the Deida a very tough read, and have a hard time relating to him, RedHawk. But I think the "NMMNG" is exceptional, and I also love "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S." Both deal with helping you figure out what you non-negotiable CORE BELIEFS are, and then how to operate within that framework -- rather than trying to be a "pleaser" who is somehow forever falling short of what it takes to hold onto a wayward wife.

I would urge you to not dismiss Theodeon's thoughts so quickly. Reading your sitch, and what you posted when you first came on here about "yeah, we had some minor problems, but . . . " gives me pause about what kind of guy your wife seems to really value.


Starsky

[RedHawk98]

I don't blame her for wanting to leave at all at the time. I was not a happy or strong man at all by that point.

I didn't mean to disregard the books offered. It's just that I know the man I was before I crumbled.
I wanted to be that again with some enhancements. Just be the best version of me I could be.

I had fallen a long way. I was once the frontman and manager of a rock band. I was resourceful and could count no one that didn't respect me and think highly of me.

Around the turn of this decade, I lost so much of my personality, I had to find that again.

I also didn't intend to be dismissive of "minor problems". I meant that these were problems that could be resolved with teo people sitting down and talking without the fierce drama and third party interference that was occurring towards the end of our marriage.

[RedHawk98]

My wife values people that listen to her.
It was initially our communication that lead to us getting together.
When I became distracted with everything going on, it gave an opening for "Rat Face", as I call him, to manipulate the situation.
I saw the messages between them. Mostly telling her everything she wanted to hear. Validating her every doubt. Running me into the ground.

He villainised me by saying how heir relationship needed to be kept quiet due to possible "physical reprisals" from me.
(I have no history of violence)

Their relationship still remains a secret. My wife hasn't gone public with him to her family and the majority of her friends.

Which to me suggests a lot of shame.

[Starsky309]

I don't blame her for wanting to leave at all at the time. I was not a happy or strong man at all by that point.

I didn't mean to disregard the books offered. It's just that I know the man I was before I crumbled.
I wanted to be that again with some enhancements. Just be the best version of me I could be.

I had fallen a long way. I was once the frontman and manager of a rock band. I was resourceful and could count no one that didn't respect me and think highly of me.

Around the turn of this decade, I lost so much of my personality, I had to find that again.

I also didn't intend to be dismissive of "minor problems". I meant that these were problems that could be resolved with teo people sitting down and talking without the fierce drama and third party interference that was occurring towards the end of our marriage.

OK, fair enough. I guess I misunderstood one of your very first points, I think it was this one:

To cut a very long story short, my wife left me in April 2013 to pursue a relationship with her boss at the time.
This happened as a result of a tough time at home. My dying grandfather, my somewhat tight knit family, and myself buckling under financial stress and dwindling confidence.

All along, she has denied this to the hilt. Will only admit to this and turn nasty when presented with evidence. That I have had to go and find.

My wife finds it very easy to lie through her teeth in text and on the phone.
In person, she can barely look me in the eye.

I filed for divorce last month. I just couldn't take waiting for her to do it any longer. Taking a deep breath before I opened my front door when I came home from work, wsiting for that A4 envelope was killing me. Filing gave me some control

While we did have some minor troubles in our marriage, things were blown totally out of proportion by her to justify her leaving. And her continued refusal to come home or at least take steps that might lead to a reconcilliation.

Her last words to me were "I know you think it's easy to come back feom all this, but it's not".
Just as vague as all the Affair Fog babble that us BS hear.

I still love my wife, but few marriages in her family have survived. In mine, everyone has fought to keep them in times of trouble.

I have addressed every change both my wife and I wanted in myself. I feel happier and stronger than I did a year ago.
Sadly, my wife's strong sense of character and morals have gone the opposite way. She spends time with people who have done nothing but encourage her actions. People who were always very jealous of the happiness our marriage once had.

I am at Stage 2 of the divorce proceedings now. I just can't go through with it.

[RedHawk98]

It is still hard for me to push through with the second stage of divorce.
All of this should never have happened.

But it did, and it seems that either she hasn't the character needed to save a marriage. Or she just prefers the company of this individual over me.
Which I can't work out, as he is nowhere near a suited to her as we are.

Typical Aries. Will insist the grass is purple and that she isn't wrong.

[RedHawk98]

I must add that going back to it, "No More Mister Nice Guy" is indeed a well written book.
I must have confused it with some chest beating, roid rage, make me an alpha male crap that was recommended to me on the Love Shack board

[MrBond]

"But it did, and it seems that either she hasn't the character needed to save a marriage."
"Which I can't work out, as he is nowhere near a suited to her as we are.

"Typical Aries. Will insist the grass is purple and that she isn't wrong."

So let me get this straight. She stayed with you through your depression and other issuess while you ignored her, yet you say she doesn't have what it takes to "save a marriage"? Stop blaming her. The only reason why you're upset is because she's taking care of herself for a change and the OM is filling the void that you left. Her staying with you while all you did was think of yourself, was her trying to save the marriage. You just ignored it.

Get real. What do you expect someone to do if you treat them like that? Let's face it...you wouldn't have had your "rude awakening" if she didn't leave you. You would have continued to do what you wanted to do despite how she felt.

[RedHawk98]

So I am lead to believe that because I wasn't able to change my job, pull myself out of the red financially and lose 20lbs inside the month I watched my grandfather slowly die, I deserved to be lied to, lied about to her family and our friends to cover up an affair. That started because I failed to make her my priority for a month or two.

I will raise my hand and rectify my faults where I need to. I had hoped that after 5 previously happy years, that she might remember she had more character than this once.