I really hate the saying "kids are resilient!" You're daughter will be ok because she has a great mom that will help her get through it. My H made a comment about this being better for the kids to not see us fight all the time.(kind of hard for them to see us fight when he has been working overseas for 6 years!) Whatever makes you feel better about it. I've always liked the saying "you shouldn't stay together for the kids, you should make it work for the kids!"
Sorry for the negativity. This is really hitting home for me because we haven't told our kids anything at all and I'm dreading that time. My kids are older, not sure if that makes it easier or harder. They understand more, but on the other hand they understand more!
You're doing great, I hope if/when the time comes for us to tell our kids I handle it as well as you are.
Me-44 (45) H- 50 (51) M-'96
S-18(20)D-15(17)D-12(14)
BD Feb 2014 (he works overseas) home Oct(sep rooms) (EAs possible Pa's unconfirmed) insists wants D through July 2015 no more talk of D since
First off, I read your post and it saddened me, despite how I feel about your future, personally. (Meaning, I think you'll ultimately be happier in a r with someone very different, OR your h will change a lot)...
You are doing better than you know. And YES sometimes detachment is a switch that flips. It might flip back "on" again, b/c our progress is NOT linear.
But you'll also know what "this" feels like, and it gets easier to return there when needed...in time.
FWIW, many years ago a 7 y/o neighbor came by our house. I assumed she was going to ask to play with our d, also 7 then.
Instead, when I opened the door and greeted her, she said "My parents are being divorced" and stood there...waiting for my answer.
I said, "sorry to hear that...(She remained silent)
I waited a beat & then said "would you like to come in and play?" To which she said "YES, now, please" and stayed all day.
Broke my heart. And though I HATE the phrase, "they're so resilient", it IS what struck me most as I saw her over the next few months. And that her mom seemed to be, in time, better off.
Originally Posted By: hope456
Venting a little...
H hasn't called or texted to check on D7. Not only did she find out about our D yesterday, but she's also not feeling well, which he knows.
Expectations got you again. You have to drop them. He barely agreed to watch TV with her and then left after 5 minutes. He's wallowing now.
Let him be...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I really hate the saying "kids are resilient!" Oops, I just saw this^^ and I DO hate it too....but its like when our neighbor died suddenly, a mother of 4. On one hand, her kids looked punched in the stomach for 2 years...(She was a great mother/wife and I don't use those terms loosely. She was the centerpiece of the family for sure).
But her kids ALSO seemed to know what helped THEM the most. They'd play a lot, and they seemed to like remembering their mom, the youngest, then 7, clung to her dad a lot...other times they would ask "Can we play a game now, that is 'harder'?" (Which we interpreted as them saying they wanted to be preoccupied.) I just thought it was so healthy.
You're daughter will be ok because she has a great mom that will help her get through it. My H made a comment about this being better for the kids to not see us fight all the time.(kind of hard for them to see us fight when he has been working overseas for 6 years!) Maybe you can start punching him hard, in the face. Then say "Now they really are better off"
Um, I am kidding...mostly
Whatever makes you feel better about it. I've always liked the saying "you shouldn't stay together for the kids, you should make it work for the kids!" "I need to find what makes ME feel happy...AND the kids are resilient"< really is backwards, isn't it? --- My kids are older, not sure if that makes it easier or harder. They understand more, but on the other hand they understand more! LOST< I think having less confusion is better, fwiw. Also I posted on this thread what my child psych told me to tell them, at the time. But I did not know "for sure" if we'd get D'd.
I know DID tell my sisters at the time, that my marriage had "10% of succeeding..." and we reconciled. So, who knows?
But I really liked the advice he gave and found it useful..it's somewhere here on the thread. See if it helps.
You're doing great, I hope if/when the time comes for us to tell our kids I handle it as well as you are.
Amen...
Hope (& Lost) IF/WHEN your child(ren) hear the Div news from you & THEN ask for an activity or make a request of you,
I'd implore everyone do what Hope did, which is to comply!! (if it's at all reasonable).
I noticed my children, even our son, asked for more back and foot rubs than ever before. I believe kids tend to follow your lead/mood. Keep that in mind.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I've always liked the saying "you shouldn't stay together for the kids, you should make it work for the kids!"
I said some variation of this to my H a few times in the first few weeks after BD. Not surprisingly considering what I know now, it did not have the desired effect.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Expectations got you again. You have to drop them. He barely agreed to watch TV with her and then left after 5 minutes. He's wallowing now.
Let him be...
You're right. They did. I really don't think I have any expectations of H WRT me at all. However, I'm still holding on to expectations of him WRT our D7. How he acts just so consistently contradicts what he says he wants: 50/50 custody. Nevertheless, expectations are expectations and I need to drop them all.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Hope (& Lost) IF/WHEN your child(ren) hear the Div news from you & THEN ask for an activity or make a request of you,
I'd implore everyone do what Hope did, which is to comply!! (if it's at all reasonable).
Originally Posted By: lost18
You're doing great, I hope if/when the time comes for us to tell our kids I handle it as well as you are.
Thank you both. Sometimes I doubt whether I'm making the right decisions (isn't that a requirement for being a parent?), but I know that I'm doing my best. I'm glad to have the reassurance of others here.
I'm having a hard time deciding whether I should revert to my maiden name or not. My career is not one that would be impacted by such a decision, so that isn't a factor. I almost didn't take my H's name when we married. I just felt so attached to MY name and didn't want to change it. I ended up keeping my maiden name as my middle name. I want to go back to that name. However, I'm worried that is another thing that will have a potentially negative effect on D7. I'm also worried that not changing my name now could have a negative effect on her. Because I'm SOOOO good at living in the future, I'll give you a quick summary of my thoughts:
H and I get a D. I don't change my name back. At some point in the future, I get remarried and take future H's name. We have a child together. Now, the new baby has the same name as mom, but D7 doesn't.
OR
H and I get a D. I change my name back. At some point in the future, I get remarried, but keep my maiden name. We have a child together. The baby has future H's last name. Neither the new baby nor D7 have the same last name as mom.
Am I overthinking this? I probably know the answer to that question. I keep imagining that conversation with D7.
D: Mommy, why is your name changing?
Me: Well, since Daddy and I won't be married anymore, I'll be going back to the name I had before we were married.
D: But, then we won't have the same name.
Me: That's true. The name isn't important though. No matter what, I'll still be your mommy.
D: If the name isn't important, why are you changing it?
This is just my two cents but.. it's just a name, really.
My mother didn't change her name when she married my dad, so I have always lived with this idea that it doesn't matter all that much, hence my opinion.
But think about it. Does it matter if you all have different names? Like, does it actually MATTER? Does it change anything? Does it change the way you feel about D7 or vice versa? Not at all. Besides, in the long term she may get married and change her own name..
I feel like I didn't articulate this very well, but I don't think you should worry too much about whether you, D7 & any future child/ren have the same name.
However, I can see why you might think strongly about changing your own name back to your maiden name.
I didn't change my name when I married (I actually can't but it's a very long story). I like my name. So, that means I have a different last name my kids and guess what? I'm still their mom:-)
I agree with Vossy. A name is just a name.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 06/10/1407:41 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
liked the saying "you shouldn't stay together for the kids, you should make it work for the kids!"
^^^^ I like this perspective.
And I think it can apply regardless of what your H (or my W) ultimately decides..... "..... make it work for the kids"
In regards to the name, don't have strong opinion either way about changing or not changing. One question - is it something that needs to be resolved in the near future?
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
In my state, it is one of the things that you include in your answer to the D filing. I have 20 days from the date of filing to answer. Tomorrow makes 2 weeks since he filed, so I do have to decide relatively soon.
