And since I have had 1,000 times more conversation in the past evening with my S16 than in the past year, now he's bopping all around me.
He had this thing on his tonsil that we were thinking was a strep or some kind of infection but he felt fine so we were letting his immune system handle it for now. He's been googling it and informed me that it is a tonsil stone. We checked it out together online and watched some videos. Is there anything that is not on youtube? And he's been up there poking it out and sharing updates with me as he goes. He wanted me to come up and smell how bad it smelled. I think I should get an award for doing that. I suggested now he can make some money if any of his friends get a tonsil stone because he has experience and a steady hand.
It's nice to have him bopping around paying attention to me.
He noted last week that I've been a pretty bad dinner maker lately. He thought we had domino's every night but he was wrong, it was dominos, chick fil a, dominos, and mcDonald's. It was a very rough week for me on a lot of fronts and depression was making everything harder not that that's a good excuse for me when I know what to do about it. But anyway, he got me. So yesterday, and today, I announced ahead of time a cooked dinner coming at a specified time, which they were invited to come down and eat and did. It was the first kind-of family dinner we've had in a while. Two of those in a row and I think this is what I have gotten as a reward, a boy who speaks to me about stuff. I'll try to do a better job.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hello again. Divorced parents of teen drivers, I'm looking for rational suggestions.
I got an email from H a couple of days ago. I wasn't doing much about looking for a way to get a car for S16 because (a) I'm losing money every month and am unemployed and (b) I drove "the family car" and figured S16 would drive "the family car." But H's mom can't drive and will loan her car to S16, which will be very convenient. So H has been thinking about rules.
He wrote a long message about considering restrictions on where he can drive and time of day, and gas log/mileage log, and how to make sure there are no 100-mile trips we didn't know about, etc.
I believe the state restrictions are fine, I don't really want to track his mileage and gas purchases, and I prefer to agree on ground rules rather than set up surveillance out of the gate. So I was reactive to the controlling tone of the email and decided to wait until I could see more clearly. Obviously the conversations he's having directly with S16 aren't going very well either.
So, if your kid has driving privileges I'm curious how closely you monitor their mileage and whether you are more restrictive than your state guidelines and why. I'm not in favor of setting up complicated systems I have to maintain just for the sake of exerting control. But I recognize that I tend toward trusting and respecting my kid, and dealing with mess-ups after they occur. You might call me lenient, and in that respect I'm exact opposite of H.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Also, unfortunately, what colors my view of mileage monitoring is being slapped around and yelled at by my dad wanting an accounting of some mileage I didn't realize he was checking. Of course I lied my head off. I wasn't about to tell him I was circling the block where a boy I liked lived. I don't think much good was accomplished by any of that. I can totally see my H replaying that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My D17 has been driving now for about 18 months. My ex and I do not monitor or place limits on her driving. We expect that her driving is limited to around town trips, i.e. going back and forth to school, her job, and friends. We have taken the approach of trust until proven wrong and so far there have been no issues. D17 knows that we would expect her to notify us of any out of area trips and on the rare occasion that these types of trips have occurred she has asked us if it's ok. I think the more controlling you get the more resentment that builds with kids and the likelihood of rebellion. I would lay your expectations out with your son and leave it at that. No need to keep mileage logs. Just my 2 cents.
Teenaged children often do not think or plan past the immediate and as parents we need them to do so. If they cannot what will they do when we are no longer attempting to control their actions through their aging or rebellion. Your 16 yr old S is two years from the age of majority where he will legally be an adult. Control does not work and attempting to do so breeds resentment and rebellion.
We have a responsibility to illuminate the consequences of actions and enforce boundaries. My impression is you have a reasonably mature introspective 16 yr old. Rather than attempting control, attempt to deepen the trust you share. Ideally he will stop and think before he acts and if he can see negative consequences alter his plans to minimize them.
Monitoring mileage is insane. IMO it is better to explain maintenance/fuel costs and responsibility.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Well those are some surprising responses. I mean, I completely agree, but I was pretty sure I fell way off the lenient end of the spectrum with all my crazy-talk about mutual respect and trust.
Trouble is that I have a challenge in getting somewhere close to the same page with my H. We're so far apart.
Maybe S16 and I collaborate to come up with what we consider a reasonable accommodation, if possible, of H's need for comfort and information (aka control). Will think on that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Having the standard angst over how to handle fathers day. I think i will ask theboys to sign a card i will buy and add some training gels. H knows i have little money. Its a busy weekend with out of town lacrosse and it would be easy to just forget about it. But i believe its good for the kids to do these regular celebrations at least on a small scale, even when youre mad.
On another note, just recording a funny. I emailed h to clarify because he said he'd pay for s's car insurance and i wondered if he had expectations that i or S should contribute. His response was no but if i want to give h money toward it as S's christmas andbirthday presents i can. (Ummm, i dont think thats a very nice gift to S, next dec/jan when those events occur.) i will decline that particular invitation and give s what i decide for his birthday and christmas.
Busy times. I am packing files in my office, selling stuff on craigslist, getting painters and movers lined up. Have to vacate the office by june 30. Next week back to searching for a job. I have enrolled as a dog walker. Its funny to consider a job i get paid less than i pay my kid to mow our lawn, but its flexible and a passion of mine, and every little bit helps.
I am also stepping around my separation stuff out on my desk at home. Need to carve some time out for that. Baby steps.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
