I am willing to do whatever it takes to try and save my M. I was very mean, and angry toward her, and not considerate at all to her feelings. Some of it came from her not forgiving me for past mistakes, mostly from not being able to handle things from my past. She said I mistreated and has asked if I loved her so much how could I do the things I did. The only answer I can say is I was sick, and not right. I tried to do everything I could around house and kiddos to make up for it. The problem was I never did enough for her. Now that she's gone I can't do anything, except change the patterns I portrayed in the past.
I guess I am asking is no contact, limited to kids and bills talk anyway the way to go. She has recently said, I can't take anymore, I don't want to live, I don't care about divorce, I just want to try and make it through the next year. I am afraid that no contact and limited time will tell her I don't care, but she asked for space and I gave her none at first. Not listening and not caring about her, I am answering my own question I guess to. I have tried a 180 to just listen when she talks, look her in the eye, and validate. Before I would always interject my own opinion.
Would a good 180 be to just let her be? I was so dependent on her for things. All holidays were pretty much her family. My family is not very good at get togethers. I have a divorced sister and one that has been separated for over a year. I have not been to her family but they are all trying to help in anyway, even texting her and I together info on retreats and such. I have told all those close to me exactly what my part in all of this was. I didn't leave out anything from my end. They ask about her side and I just say, yes she did things, but that's her deal. I want to work on this, just have no idea how.
She says I was not romantic in the least, too late for anything like that? I am trying to think of ways to be more of what she wants, but then I think why am I doing that at this time. Do I just need to be a better me? We both have history of mental illness in family, doesn't help things I am sure. But I don't want that to be a part on my end. I take AD's, have for a while, she tried some and went off and on them. I am having a hard time feeling good enough to keep trying, but know that at all cost I don't want to give up. I will continue to try and improve me, and look in the mirror for validation on why I can move forward.
I have to sell the house, in my name only, but it's hard to do. It's the last element of us. However, I know that old relationship is no more. I want to try a new version of openness and honesty, hopefully I get a chance. Tonight the kids wanted to call W, gave phone to them and they talked when done I just hung nothing from me. Is that a good thing? Trying to leave her alone and nothing since Friday dropping off kids.
"I was very mean, and angry toward her, and not considerate at all to her feelings. Some of it came from her not forgiving me for past mistakes, mostly from not being able to handle things from my past. She said I mistreated and has asked if I loved her so much how could I do the things I did. The only answer I can say is I was sick, and not right. I tried to do everything I could around house and kiddos to make up for it. "
So just because you "suddenly" had an epiphany, you expect her to fall back into your arms again? Not going to happen. Have you gone to see a C for all your issues? Doing the romantic thing now is not going to work and she's going to think (rightfully so) that you're only doing it since she has someone else.
Doing the chores, etc. is fine, but what about your REAL issues? What have you been doing about them?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have been seeing a counselor on my for last 7 months. I have learned control a lot of the anger and emotions. I use breathing techniques, stop before you act and think, and positive affirmations. The positive affirmations and stopping to think really work well. Just something little like being cutoff in traffic would put in a fit, now I ask myself is it worth getting angry about it, and ruining part of my day. Just a little slow down like that is amazing. I am also exercising, losing a fair amount of weight. Helps with both self esteem and mental attitude.
I also held a lot of grudges against my family. I have learned to let them go, and actually even apologized for being such a horrible person to them. I used to get angry just talking on the phone with my mother. Now it's actually something I like to do, and get support from her.
As far as the chores thing goes. That was when she was still with me. I was using that as an example of me not doing the right thing then. I made some mistakes along the separation path. Some could even be too much to overcome. I don't want her to run back to me, I am more getting things off my chest. I am not ready to have her back full time either. I still have work to do. The feelings are there and if I don't get them out somewhere, I'm afraid I will give them to the W. Which would be terrible.
I've lost a very big chunk of weight. Starting to have more energy overall, and better outlook. Seeing old friends is a big one. Going on a raft trip this weekend with a couple of friends from long ago. I am not trying to say I'm perfect, but having the time to step back and look at the things that I did, it's like something just went off. My fathers family is not very close at all, and I could see some of the things that they would do in me. Like getting angry over pride and ego, having to be right, and just thinking the world screwed them. Now I can see that it's all about choices, they chose to do these things, and view negatively the whole world. I have a new mission to break this cycle, at least on my part, by being more compassionate, and understanding. Knowing how to handle certain sitch's that just need some tender care instead of full boar anger. I know kind of a rant, but truth none the less. I want to start over and get to know that side of the family again. I lost my last grandparent over Xmas, day after in fact. That really got me to thinking more about this. But just a side bar.
One thing tonight, I finally got a break, and got some info from W. We were texting about kids, and the talk went to relationship. She gave me 3 huge keys I think. One, she doesn't want a miserable life forever. Two, she's not ready to be vurnerable right now, Three, she told all about her weekend away. In fact she was excited to tell me she was water skiing, which she handt done for years. You could really tell the happiness that gave her. And we talked a bit more about her weekend and some other stuff. A little win yes, but a win I think. We are even going to watch my oldest at her dance class tomorrow night together. No relationship talk when at class, just shooting the breeze finding out more about her. Overall at least a good night and something to possibly build on. Not getting to excited, but I think she can see some changes and even a bit of compassion as well.
Old college joke, I was a pretty on shape guy, and some of my friends called me Roid, of course later on a group of friends said it was because I was a hemorrhoid on their tales. Either way it stuck, and I just use it sometimes. And no I do not do steroids, have been asked that numerous times.
