I don't know what to do here though for sure. My heart is saying try to change and love her, my brain is saying go dim still light contact about kids, and see what happens. The stuff from last night just floored me though, after the last episode where she said every mean thing in the book, and now was totally excited to tell me she was on water skis. Makes me want to try even more contact, but I won't for now. I will say, her step mom and dad are trying to get us back together. SM texts to ask W out on a date, Dad says come down to Oklahoma, even if it's by yourself no kids, you are always welcome. I won't be doing that, even though I would love too, lake house, boat, very relaxing. Just what to do!!
Should I tell her Dad and Stepmom to quit trying to help, and just stay neutral? She did mention that everyone in her family is on my side a while back. I said that they were only trying to help and that I can't do anything about that. W has been more open the last few days, but I just realized that contact has been started by me and not her, at least in most cases, usually about kids. I did tell her the other night that her calling and crying with the girls wasn't right, and that she can't keep saying that she can't take everything anymore to me. She left me, these are the consequences.
My D5 is having a tough time, very attached to me, and cries Everytime she leaves me for W. W is starting to show signs of being angry about that, mood and attitude toward her. But I said it's part of it, and she needs to show her love and support, but who knows how she acts when I am not there. May be just an act when I am there.
Should I just go NC for a while and see what happens. It seems she has been telling me more about her life lately, but really just everyday stuff. I messed up and pushed some M talk lately, from above posts, she said she was not ready to be vulnerable or to come back yet. Once I hear that makes me want to push harder to show I really do care, wrong thing to do? I guess I need to just make her contact me period, no more texts, this is the hard part. That was part of our problem in M we just texted everything, didn't really talk face to face enough. Like we were both trying to hide our emotions. We are both very emotionally shut off people due to childhoods.
If I want to save my M, we have to talk face to face and see each other for the first time in a long time so to speak. Yes that's far away, I just don't want to miss a point that I should take time to really think about what is right to do. I am scared to make her mad, that is getting better by the day lately. Finally telling myself what's the worst to happen here?
I was addicted to Internet porn for most of my life after the upper teens. She didn't know at all about this. I took a very long amount of time off during R, but started again. I put myself in her shoes from her POV, and realized how it made her feel worthless and betrayed. I was using it to make a fantasy of what I wanted, or thought I wanted for sex. Once again afraid to tell my wife that I needed it to feel good about me, and our R. I found that I don't need it to just feel good. It's the connection that made it feel good, and that's not just sex, it was how we looked at each other, and how we felt closer to each other. You can have that outside of sex, but you have to be open about your feelings and what you want.
It's hard to look back and see how our M was more like friends than lovers for so long. You let kids, school, work, family, and everything get above the M and it falls apart. Forgetting to take care of each other both together and separately. Now is the time for just me. I am very excited today, during marriage. I was up to 298lbs at my heaviest, today I weigh 258lbs. I don't even remember how long it's been since that has been the case. Makes me feel like if I try and put in the effort anything can be done. I can't believe how depressed and just blah I have been for so long. Hard not to share with the W, but she hasn't asked so I don't tell. She has to see it though, 40 lbs basically is like loosing a limb!!
You have lots to work on and now you have the time to do it. You're separated, contact should be about the kids only. During those contacts if she wants to open up to you, she will.
You're not going to miss a chance.
What are you doing about all of your issues?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I have been seeing a IC/FC for 6-7 months. Really have a handle on anger from working through that. I was attending celebrate recovery for porn addiction, helped a ton, has been almost a year for no porn. I did stop going to meetings, I have my D's on most a Friday nights same as meetings. But I learned to out some faith in God, and I am doing very well on that end. Losing the weight with exercise walking 2-3 miles a day, that coupled with weight loss is really helping my mood overall. Especially the depression and self image problems.
I did lose counselor until at least October. She was a grad student, and upon graduation this month, she can't work until October, some rules regarding the job. I do have a chance to see another one, same place and office, but am hesitant to start over, once you open up to someone hard to start again. However as I get better I think that decision will be easier.
I am going on a river float trip with old friends this weekend. That will be good to get away, just have to stay away from the liquor. Usually a lot if drinking in these trips. I stay involved with the girls taking them places, parks, other friends kids, and the like. Was thinking of doing a trip this summer just me and them. Going to a big zoo, or water park or something along those lines. Kind of broke at the moment. Going to sell home, and should make a fair profit from it, and get cheaper housing, so that should get better after some time.
I still need to find something to do I am not comfortable with. A group or volunteer or something. I have been a homebody for so long, losing contact with people, and not doing much for me. So that us next on the list.
My biggest problem right now is detaching period. Part of it is we see each other 3 times a week or more dropping off kids. Hard to get her out when I see her so much. Then family and friends try to advise, the one good thing there is everyone is saying don't give up, it's totally worth it. But it's hard to hear that from her family. She has told me that she has not told them anything, and they say the same. I think she is guilty for doing this and afraid to say anything, she hinted to that once. She also said she was ashamed to admit to our problems. But I think I just need to move on, just have to find the strength to do it.
A thought I had earlier. The W is always saying that I am getting help and she is just getting by. No money to pay for counseling and what not. Not entirely true, but what if I offered to pay out of my pocket for the counseling services? Is that too much, seems like pursuing, but also offering her help if she wants it!!
For some reason I have a gut feeling that I need to fight for this head on. I keep hearing I didn't do enough to get her to stay, didn't try to have sex with her for the last year, she said she didn't want too. She had a very bad self image thing going on. Depressed, saying she was fat, ugly, didn't have clothes that fit. I just think to let her go entirely is wrong. The depression thing has me miffed. To get over that it takes help, and positive affirmations, but right now may not be the time. Since she has opened a bit lately I think maybe that's where this is coming from. We still have a fair amount of contact over girls though. And maybe just being friends is coming to play in her mind.
I hope I can drop all this stuff over the weekend and enjoy my trip. Makes my head spin around.
One other thing. I said earlier I hid the chewing tobacco habit. I am still doing it, and finding the will to quit is hard right now. I want to quit know I need to, but it's my crutch through tough times. Any ideas on help for this. I have quit cold turkey before for almost 6 months, but I work with 3 people that do it, and a lot if friends that do it. Hard to quit when you see it everyday!! Any suggestions??
