"I want to quit know I need to, but it's my crutch through tough times. Any ideas on help for this."
By taking the word 'but' out of that first sentence. You just need to do it. Either you do it or not. No one is putting a gun to your head and making you chew. The only person who can get you to stop is YOU.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have to stop this. Everytime I have a moment of inactivity this consumes me. And I contact and try to talk her into coming back. Its like the old me is still fighting to come out, and I hate him. She says she not ready for anything yet, and anymore contact about M from this point forward will probably set me back to far. When I catch myself drifting, stop and think like you do with the anger. Is it the right thing to push or constantly bring it up heck no!!! Starting tonight, at 736 where I am, no more M talk. I can only worry about me, that's it. The OM doesn't matter, the separation doesn't matter, I hurt her more than I could imagine, and to bring it up more is totally selfish and egotistical. No more!!!
Yes you absolutely have to stop contacting her at all. It could be a good thing for you though when you do. She might see that you are giving her space. The sooner you pull back from her the sooner you will have her coming to you.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I was gone all weekend no contact, but I found out I forgot to switch a bill, and it caused an overdraft in our old shared bank account. W was pretty upset. She did say she had a good weekend with the girls and was super nice again. She said that she can't guarantee a future plan, but has gotten to where she doesn't want to hate me. I guess that's a step in right direction. She started talk on M, so at least a little something.
After some thought. I don't know if this is a true WAW, scenario, it fits the mold, but, my verbal abuse and lies had to play a part. I mean when a WAW scenario, if you pushed her to the point, wouldn't it qualify as something else all together. In this case, a W walked, but in essence was forced too for her mental sanity. I agree that the case is close, I just wonder if different scenarios mean different paths. I do think the changes in myself and attitude has been great.
Good story to tie into that from the weekend. On the drive, 4 hours to get to river for float, my buddy was driving and stuck behind very slow traffic. Normally this would even irritate me. This time, I was calm, and said does it matter really. We will get there chill out. Usually I would have been fuming with him. This time I felt the trip was nothing. And even on the river just little things that would have got me upset were nothing. Felt so good to actually enjoy instead of constantly battle my anger.
Missed her a ton over the weekend, and took a bit to loosen up, but it did happen. Had a ton of fun with old friends and new ones.
I still just wonder if no contact, for something that was doneby me is right? She is so upset for me hiding things, lying, and the verbal abuse. I know everything on here says that the opposite will work. Don't do the things that weren't working. But all during counseling, I never learned to look at me until the end, I never tried hard enough to fix us, I was scared to death of W, and what I would do or say to make her mad. And now just not talking and not contacting, seems that would be a 180 for me to be the one to initiate and try to be nice and supportive.
I love the fact that we have been nicer to each other, but I think it's more because we have opened up a bit more. I still have many doubts, and fears, but my fear of talking to her is going away. Just doing to much thinking right now. I'm wore out after a long weekend.
She ended up at a fair with a group, that included OM. Told me she needed a thing for the girls and was a big group. I didn't want details, but D5 was telling me all about it. So the W sends pics of the girls from her phone, and a long explanation of needing it for them. I just said that I didn't need to know the details, but if it was romantic at all I needed to know, my boundary was anything romantic and the girls would not be exposed. Probably can't trust everything at this point, but with W being so nice in ither aspects I want to.
I said, I hope you would tell me if anything romantic so girls not exposed. The OM was a friend for a long time, and says so now. It only bothers me to the D's, they don't need any confusion right now. Am I being to weak on this, need to be more cautious, not a lot I can do for that. So hard with little kiddos, and to know what's right and wrong. I'll just stay away from phone and her for a while.
I am at the point now, that I am willing to forgive everything. I made a bunch if mistakes and can't change that, but I can no longer do anything for her. If she makes bad decisions or something to hurt the girls, I will do something then. They have never talked about meeting anyone before so kind of coming from left field here.
I am still having trouble with the codependency. I think I have to have her, makes me feel complete. But, there are also feelings of true love there. I can remember the good times and see my old wife and friend from day to day. I need super glue and mind control to get my self to stop sometimes. At least I didn't flip out over OM story from the D's. That's a step.
Yes I have been seeing one for a while now. That's why I am better as far as anger issues and some negative thought processes. Has really helped me get to a better point. It's just trying to break the cycle of needing someone for the affirmations. I have gotten better and telling myself you are good, just trying to believe day and day out.
I will try and find the book to read through. Thanks for heads up.
