Dealing with an ongoing affair

[Ben2010]

Maybe my current change in pattern behaviour and approach is scaring her, that she may no longer have any reason to continue our separation. But that's just mind reading

See thats also what I think is going on in my sitch too. She has even said that she knows that she will have to come home because she has no right for a divorce(biblically). In my mind then Im thinking "so then what in the world are you doing right now, just seeing how long you can stay gone?" I can understand if she wasnt sure how it was going to go, but she clearly told me that she KNOWS that she will have to come back. I just told her that no one is going to force her to come back. I dunno Pete, you might be onto something or we could both just be mindreading alot.

[sandi2]

I have read from a lot of LBH'S who talk about certain triggers after reconciliation. How something is said or done that causes all those horrible doubts and fears......and memories to come flooding back. It sounds as if the IPad problem triggered her old resentment. I'm sure you've seen her do this several times throughout this process.

I would like to make another suggestion for you to think about. Whenever you compromise or give over to her wishes on any given issue, if you come back in a short time asking something of her.....she may feel you set her up. Know what I mean? You did so great about the dates of her trip, but it seemed no time until you were asking if she would join you in MC. Plus, you asked her twice........which is pressure, Peter. I know you needed to tell the MC, etc., but maybe in the future you can try to work on your timing?

Men say that whenever a woman tells him to do something over one time......she's nagging. When a LBH suggests or asks something of his WAW over one time.....he's pressuring. Both people in these cases may have pure motives, but it is how it is perceived by the other spouse.

The longer I live, the more I realize how important "timing" is in everything, and especially relationships.

Yes, she will have to see this new change before she's convinced it will stick. you can do it.

[Wonka]

Bump...hijack alert!!

Sandi, could you please be a dear and mosey over to Dev's thread over in Infidelity and help him out from your perspective as a former WAW with an XOM? I truly believe that the next several weeks will be crucial to Dev's sitch and I am thinking that both you and Starsky would be of tremendous help to him in guiding him through the next several steps.

Thanks much!

Peter...here's some beer for the hijack. How kind of you to tolerate my butting in here!

[PeterV2]

Sandi, we had previous discussed going to MC together and I said I was going myself and if she cared to join me. True I asked again since she didn't answer the first time but only because I didn't want the MC holding open spots for us - she is in demand.

But I see what you mean.
BTW she's been nagging me for years Claims I have cloth ears, or "ornaments" as she jokingly calls them. I know I don't like it but if I don't answer the first time I don't mind being asked again - oftentimes it's just that other stuff fills my head in the interim. But she's different than me. So I'll pay closer attention to the timing.

After we had the conversation about the appointment I was driving away. I stop the car, turned it off, got out and walked over to her and told her that her feeling the need to say yes just to please me is the bad pattern we need to stop. She said, yes, she needs to work on that.

Yes, the iPad thing was dredging up old resentments. I just don my spew jacket.

And Wonka, I wouldn't mind you chiming in on my sitch.

[sandi2]

I'm on my way over. Thanks.

[oad]

Hi sandi2....would like your opinion on a question I asked over at my forum "Hurt and confused". I need your point of view on it. thank you

[PeterV2]

W is staying around for our anniversary. I asked if she wanted to go out for dinner and she jumped on it enthusiastically. I also invited her to stay the night at home if she can find staff to cover the night shift. She said she'd try.
She had a melt down yesterday but nothing to do with me. I was there to support her and offered to send her on an immediate vacation to a spa. She declined. She's leaving next Monday for 7-10 days on a break to FL to visit a friend.

[Devaste]

Hey Peter,

Hope you have a great dinner! Really just posted because ironically we share the same anniversary date. However, I will be in a FT meeting with the kids and my W. Tiny bit different than your dinner.

Dev

[PeterV2]

Thanks Dev. Happy Anniversary! Good luck in FT. I'm following your sitch closely. I started a new thread in Infidelity thinking this one was going to lock up.

[PeterV2]

Well, we went to dinner for our 6th anniversary. Before we left we exchanged gifts. She hugged me and noticed I was wearing cologne (Mont Black Legend) - first time she's noticed that.
Over dinner there was a lot of relationship talk. She shed a lot of tears. She said she wished she could tell me something I'd like to hear but she couldn't. I think she was referring to reconciliation but I don't know for sure. She couldn't continue because she was getting too emotional. So I didn't pry. She said it's been a very difficult few months since we last sat at that table on Feb 28 for the 10th anniversary of our first date. I agreed with her on that.
She also said sometimes she just wants to end it (suicide) but won't because of her daughter and our cat. I was one of the reasons.:(
She asked why it took her having an A for me to wake up. She said it seems like the only time I pay attention to her is when she's threatening to leave me, or when she actually is leaving me. There are about 3 or 4 times in our history when that has been the case, but she is blind to all the times I have heard her and acted accordingly. She constantly focuses on those occurrences claiming it's a pattern I will just keep repeating. She has no guarantee that I won't fall back into that and she's not willing to waste another 10 years of her life living in such an unfulfilling marriage. That's what she is afraid of. I'll need to address that fear somehow - discussion point for my MC.
I had asked her to stay the night at home but she said she felt I was pressuring her. So I need to back off more. Stop the pursuing and pressuring. Live my own life.
We booked her ticket to FL yesterday for 9 days staying with our mutual friend. She needs to get away - she is suffering from burn-out. The retirement home (RH) we own that she's running has been a great strain on her. At dinner she said she felt she was pushed into it and I agree that I was insensitive to the timing of it. We should have waited about 4 or 5 months before buying it. She wasn't ready and I did push the issue fearing the deal would fall through if we didn't jump on it. But it was at the expense of our marriage - too great a price to pay - had I known I would have done differently. I told her that. She did say she wanted to go ahead with the RH but the timing was wrong. Like Sandi says, it all about timing. Lesson learned.
Today she went away to a spa with some girlfriends overnight. Hope she's being honest with me. Whatever. I'm still having a hard time detaching after all this time and practice.
But she did stay for our anniversary without me pressuring her to do so.
She leaves Tuesday for 9 days and then I'm off with my boys for 4 days on a hike. So we'll be apart for 2 weeks with only one day for debriefing in the middle. We'll see where that puts us.
When I invited her to stay the night she said she doesn't need an invitation to sleep at her own house. I told her that's not what I meant - I just meant that I would like to spend a night together again, like we did back in May. But that was pursuing and was not good. So I tried to backpedal without success. Oh well. Get back up, dust myself off and carry on DBing.