You can be nice, and have a positive attitude around her. But I would think detaching to where she misses you, and all you have to offer, ultimately helps you more in the long run. If she knows she can turn to you for advice or turn to you in general when she needs something, then there is really no motivation for her to work on your R if she already gets what she needs from you. Just food for thought....
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Kind of what I was thinking. But then, not answering her calls would be the only way to do that too. And if that is what is needed that is fine too. Just find it odd that she trusts my advice at all. But doesn't want to be with me.
I cannot say or even presume to know what your W is thinking. However, asking for your opinion does not have to mean she values your opinion. It may just be a way for her to keep you around. Throwing you bread crumbs so to speak. I am not trying to discourage you or take away from positive steps you may be making. Just offering some thoughts.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
If she doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't get the perks, either.
Let her have a taste of what life will be like when you're not there to lean on.
You don't have to be cold about it, just respond with kindly yet firmly to her requests.
Learn how to say "NO" in a hundred, non-confrontational ways!
Validate her without answering!
"Wow, that must be difficult to deal with." (And don't offer to fix it for her.) "I"m sorry to hear you're struggling with that." "I agree, this transition is hard."
And--- (Try and avoid saying "YOU", just refer to the situation.) "Sorry, that won't work with my schedule". "What is the plan to handle that?" (On her own.) "Unfortunately, I won't be available to help with that."
I think she will respect you more, and it will help with your detaching as well. The more you do for her, the more she will take you for granted.
How would you feel about someone you've treated poorly who continues to do things to please and help you? Would you respect them? Or would you use this to your advantage?
You sound like a nice guy, and that's great. But maybe take a little tough-love stance on this one.
She wanted this life. Let her have it!
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Now my other question. We are very nice people both of us, and part of my problem is, that I made some serious mistakes to her, others have said it wasn't that bad, but it was to her and her moral compass. So if I all of a sudden I quit being nice, isn't that going to say to her, that I don't care, and I did mean to treat her like that in the first place.
Not saying she didn't do anything, but I think it's a fine line right now between the what is right and what is wrong. I will try the new method though of just validating and saying no nicely. Like it says doing the same thing over and over without results is insanity!!!
So if I all of a sudden I quit being nice, isn't that going to say to her, that I don't care, and I did mean to treat her like that in the first place.
It's not being mean to her. It's giving her space, showing her that you are comfortable moving forward without her and standing up for yourself that will help you earn her respect.
I just read am older post on fear from a DB'er through Thortons thread. It rings so true to where I am at today. And I think why I am trying to understand some if the stuff my W is doing. Because I fear that she is doing all this stuff and lying and cheating and whatever else the WAW can do. However, here I am, trying to understand come up with a plan to get her back. Instead of facing me.
I have just in the last few days began really trying to dig deep and pull out my fears. The fear of not having anyone, the fear of being left behind, the fear of not being a good dad, the fear of not being good enough for a wife, and the list goes on and on. What I have found, is that it's all stuff that I carry with me from childhood on. Never letting truly go of the past, and it affecting my self esteem and self worth core.
I grew up in a terrible family for love, no hugs, no love you's, just fighting and literal fist fights and flying objects at that. And I also grew up with just women around in my life, my father was in bad mental shape as a child, and still is. The only family I had were my aunts and sisters and mom. So I grew up the protector, never wanting anything to harm them. Always trying to be there for them in whatever way I could. However because I was the only male, I never knew what it was like to be a man. I winged it until I couldn't anymore. I took all the fear and let it hide me from the real world, because I didn't want to be left behind, I wanted to be a good father to my kids, and not leane them high and dry, I wanted to never fight and carry on with my wife. All those things were happening though, and why because I was scared I was losing what I had, and couldn't face that. I wanted to just act big and bad like it didn't matter.
Well I am here to say it does matter. You can just sweep it all away, or figure it out later. It's either now or never. I'm that post, he talked about questions you ask yourself. A good one, do I really love my W, or was it nothing. Well I found the answer to that question just over the last few weeks. A women I knew started to flirt with me, and I started to flirt back a bit, fed the ego(fear if being alone), I didn't take it anymore thank god, I stopped myself and her all together. But through that I found that I felt like an idiot, I really love my W, and don't want to hurt her, or put her to the side for the sake of another. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I have a new found respect for her I hadn't had for a long time.
Now it's like I am starting over on the detach phase and the no contact phase. I have all these feelings that are not fear based, but based solely on love. I have been so ashamed of those events since they happened. But I can't change them just move forward and not let it happen again. I hope I can face all the fears I have and find ways to truly out them in the past. And also that I can truly let my WAW, get her space and leave her be.
It does seem that there is some softening lately, but with the feelings I have, expectations are on the rise. That is the next big thing to tackle. Every time an expectation pops up in my head, I have to squash it. Does it get easier I hope seeing more of me, and what I have to face for me will help. They are however very tough to deal with. Like at dinner the other night, I just wanted to say why are you doing this really, you keep saying you don't wHt this for the kids, you don't want this for our families, but I kept my mouth shut. I need to fight the expectations with everything I have. And then focus back on me.
I am trying my best to do this, but it is just as scary to look at yourself and everything that you can carry as baggage. I hope to drop those off in lost luggage, and never pick them back up. Sorry for the length, just had some stuff to get rid of.
It's late, Roid, but I wanted to thank you for this insightful post.
-----GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Really, really good post, Roid. That self reflection is so important.
I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. My dad is very much old school. Shows no emotion, no I love you's, no hugs. I became him. I actually felt scared to show emotion because it conveyed weakness.
Fear was my #1 weakness during this whole thing. TBH, I was terrified. I felt unworthy, I felt I was going to be alone forever, I felt I could never find anyone as good as WAW, I felt I would never experience the feelings of love like I had for WAW.
My mom, God bless her, told me something. You've probably seen me post this before but it really helped me. Make your faith bigger than your fear. Say it and then allow it to sink in. After I kept repeating it, it started to take hold in me. Easy? No. But I kept saying it. In the car, walking into my office, at home, lying in bed, taking a shower etc.
Your sitch is far from over. Keep working on it, keep coming here and telling your story. And don't forget to comfort others, there's healing in helping other people.
I have a few more things, tired of hiding. I still text her on occasion, and still talk about us. Always wanting to try and change her mind. I still want to fix her, because she feels bad, lost weight, has rheumatoid arthritis constant battle. I either have to start following a single advice stream or none.
I have friends that have their own opinions, very different ones at that. And then all the advice from here. It's so hard to know what's right or wrong right now. I have one good friend that just went through this the other way with his fiancé. He left, finally come back after 6 months, but he had to get her back. He says a lot if what we talk here, but adds to still talk to her when she calls, text her back be nice all of that. However he also says to back down, have patients. That's the key is patients.
I have never had it and keep trying to gain it. That came from my upbringing I think, not wanting to be patient but get over the whole thing right now, not wait for the fights to be over. I will try to post my thoughts here first before I text, or want to call, or whatever. Maybe you guys can slap me with a 2x4 and get me off the ledge.
I am getting to the point to where I want to change for me and my kids. I know supposed to be for me, but the kids are important also. I was close to 300 lbs only a few months ago. As if this week I am down to 255. Why I got so big, fear. Let me explain. I have a heart issue since I was young, and didn't want to face it, instead, I swept it away and just said I can do it later, or it can get fixed later. Now I don't want that anymore. I want to be here for a while so I can enjoy life, but also to see my kids get old, married, grand kids and the like. Will I make that who knows, but it's up to me to be in control of me. At first that was a problem for the wife, but now it's not her problem it's mine.
That thinking will hopefully help me get over trying to fix her. She tried to tell me to take care of myself, but I didn't listen to her had to come from me. I had a lot of goals with her, but those will have to go on hold for a while until I can figure out finances and such. Hard to let those go, but for yhe time bring I have to. First thing, I wanted to live outside town, but now will have to move into the city and closer to work. It's so hard to stomach that, but has to done for me and the kids. Later maybe I can figure out how to get further out or somewhere I really want to be.
Once again sorry, just a lot of reflection over the past few days. I even got a bit upset tonight at my daughter and started to scream, real eye opener. Actually made me cry, that I lost it for a minute and all she did was something tiny, won't make tomorrow or her life bad. Need to remember that my anger is because of emotions and fear, not the real me.
Thanks for the comments on the first post. Thornton, I will be praying for your stich, and that you can keep up the progress. And I appreciate all your posts and honesty has helped me to reflect even more. Everyone on here is very helpful, and understanding. Very appreciated!!
