Once again sorry, just a lot of reflection over the past few days. I even got a bit upset tonight at my daughter and started to scream, real eye opener. Actually made me cry, that I lost it for a minute and all she did was something tiny, won't make tomorrow or her life bad. Need to remember that my anger is because of emotions and fear, not the real me.
This was one of my MAIN motivators for S with my W. The tension in the house was too thick and both of us were beginning to lose patients with the kids over the smallest things. I too broke down in tears when I snapped at my then 4 year old over something small and he just looked at me with the saddest eyes and cried. I felt like complete garbage. I knew at that point the environment was too toxic and I had to remove myself from it. Things are much more relaxed now.
At least you also recognized the effect your situation is having on your kids. It is awful.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Yeah I felt terrible about it. And it happens to where my emotions get the best of me. Could be just me, or could the kids or coworkers or something. I usually try to apologize right after and realize why I did it, and plan for the future one. To be honest I think it has been not going to therapist for over a month now. I need to find a way to get back on track with that, and work on the things I am finding out about me even more. I have put in an email to my old therapist for the contact on the new one I can see at the same place. Thanks for posting Pilot, I felt like such a horrible dad, but I think others go through the same thing.
Having a hard time today. Wanting to text wife just asking if she really wants out of the marriage or not? Last night while talking to girls she was giggling under her breathe, obviously somebody there with her, and it upset me that she wasn't 100% attentive to the girls during call. Please tell me I'm being stupid, and need to just be patient and play along!!
And I have to drop girls off with her tonight. I want to say something so bad. I will do my best to just let it all go, and be attentive to her and see and hear what I can.
For whatever reason it hurts more than normal this morning. I am looking forward to a few days for just me, I have had D's for 6 days in a row now, I love them to death, but it's hard to take care of them alone sometimes. Might be part of it, all the energy it takes to make sure they are good, and I'm spent. I am so wire out today, have a slipped disc in my back and really bugging me last few weeks, was good for a long time, must have irritated somehow.
This weekend with no kids I plan on cleaning my house to the nails. Hopefully have a nice home to look forward to coming home to. Maybe even pack away done stuff of the W's that still laying about. Have to find the energy to do it, but I know I can.
It's like feelings of wanting to give up and give in. But I can't let those take over my emotions. I want to be the person she wants in her life, but have to realize I have to just show her that and let her make up her mind. Just like the advice thing, what good is that doing me, to continue to help her, only showing that I can be a friend and that's it? I so bad want to just tell her I can't help you anymore with advice unless it deals specifically with kids. If you need advice in a personal level, find somebody else to fill that void, you left me, and don't want me, why should I help you?
I have managed to list every fear I think that I have right now and am at number 25 and stuck. Holy cow, actually seeing it on paper is really getting me worked up. It's like I am facing something new for the first time, and scared to death if what it will do or how it will act.
Has gotten me off if thinking about her so much though. That's a good thing, even though fears tied to her are there, the bigger ones I've carried for years are the toughest to get at.
I think I might burn up all my posts in one day. I am going to post my fears here later in hopes of trying to get then out and in the open to work on. I have contact info for new therapist and will try to set something up hopefully soon.
I was so unhappy the last 1.5 to 2 years of my M. And to think of how unhappy I was, must have been excruciatingly unhappy for the W. I need to be happy.
