And this may se a bit odd, being as I am pushing 40, but I have a fan crush on Lorde, the newer musician from New Zealand. I love her voice, the lyrics don't mean a lot to me, but her voice is awesome, and the music she has outside if lyrics is very catchy. I have one if her songs stuck in my this morning.
Something else eating at me a bit. I've never fought for anything for myself in life before. Now I just want to fight for this the whole way. Yes I want to give up, it's the easy way, the way I've always took, but now there is no way I will ever give up, but it's hard to try and wrap my mind around letting go to keep fighting. It's like I am fighting myself to just keep reaching out to her, and getting shot down, time and again. The failure doesn't bother me right now so much as the pain inside. How to handle knowing you just threw away the best thing you have ever had, because you were not doing things the right way. Yes she had a part, but I can't fail again. Life is to short to want something so badly but it be just out if reach. So now to stand back and just watch it get further and further away. My guts are dancing a jig right now!!!
On a good note I'm inching ever so closer the under 250 lb club. If I get under that, I think I might cry with joy, never thinking it was possible to do again, with my bad attitude and foul disposition. I was so excited to see the scale number get that much closer. I was a lean and mean 225 in college, and getting even close to that again, would be a great coup for me, and especially since I thought I was just going to be a fatty for life.
Okay only one other thing, I never listen to others. Be it my W, or my family or whatever. I want to listen now. And that means to the people on here to just let it go, and don't contact or get to giving with stuff and keep it about the kids. Get out and live and have some fun for me. The fears thing from this morning really got me going. I am going to take my list home and try and define some if them for me. But if okay, I would like to list what I can on here, just to see if any suggestions for ways to conquer them.
dropped of my D's nothing really to speak of said hi, told her a couple of things on the girls, and said good to see you. was upbeat and happy. Actually i feel better after making no mistakes for once.
I think plays a role in my thinking as well. I sit at a desk all day, and there are some slow times, let's the mind wander often. Part of why I posted so many times yesterday.
Since I'm not getting much response here I have been reading a lot of other stich's on here. Thorn, your stich has been an eye opener to me. The smilarties are eerie to say the least. As far as how we acted both before during and after R.
I to use to to say well I will just leave then, all the time threaten to walk out. I finally got a handle on it, but the damage was done like you said. I am also a control freak, from my dad leaving and his family leaving us. I want to be in control of everything, I gave up money control, I wasn't very good at it anyway, but trying to control my W, by being mean, saying things I didn't really mean at all, and trying to make her feel like I felt on the inside. And yes it was the fear of losing her and not wanting to that literally drive me mad.
I am deep down a very nice, caring and giving person, but I hid it away to try not to get hurt by it all. Always thinking it was a time bomb that could go off anytime. Not me, but her wanting to leave me. I never felt good enough to deserve such a good woman. I didn't think I could keep up with everything she wanted, and needed in the M, and in the end those fears controlled me to no end.
Facing these are the hardest thing to do period. Her leaving was a by product of all those fears culminating in a person I wasn't proud of, and worse a person I was despising very much. It wasn't even somuch I was mad at her as much as it was at me for being that guy. I don't know if I will ever get her back, she has to deal with her things about me and herself first anyway. Am I scared of losing her still yes, but it's waning when I focus in all the stuff I swore not to do, but was to scared to stop myself from doing it.
I think I might finally understand why and how I got here. Now to try and fix those issues within me. I wrote down a lot if stuff on oaoer last night about my deepest fears and what they meant to me, and why they are there. I only got to number 8 of 25 in about an hour and a half of writing, my hand starting to hurt. Funny how I can type all day now, but writing is a workout.
Thorn, I hope you see this and take the real thanks that I have for being willing and open to sharing what you were feeling and what you did. It's really helping me to understand more and more. And thanks to all those peeps that posted on his threads. The advice and stories were just as good and helpful as if I were right there talking to you. I have a vivid imagination and I try to picture the people as I read something, always been that way with books, huge James Patterson fan. Thanks again for all openness!!
The fear of not being good enough at so many things is so ridiculous. I mean I really thought I was never good enough, for W, for kids, for friends, and so much more. I write down last night that try to see what you are good at, and build from it.
I noticed how good a dad I really was, and how much they really do love me. Even though I messed up a bit, even in M I was good at things, doing my part if housework, doing things to keep W stress free on occasion. I can take that and move it forward.
Now I can't lie, the detach thing is still hard right now, I notice I am checking phone some days more often than not to see if she texts. I'm trying to break that habit, keep phone on silent and such. I do feel a lot better today about trying to just go dark as far as I can for a while. I pushed so much junk down her throat early, and even recently, if I don't try something new I will lose the battle before it even starts. I did have feelings last night of betrayal and loneliness because she left. But I am trying to deal with those one at a time as they come.
I keep thinking that it's all over anyway, but that if I don't at least try what's the point of ever have done it in the first place. Even if it's over at least I'll know I can maybe be better for the next one. That was a fear too, not finding another love to replace this one, but I write down that no matter what it's not replacing anything, I had a great time in that R, but can make a new one just as good and better if I want too. Just have to work on that desire!!
Just a thought. If you do not think you are good enough for your W, why would she think you are good enough for her?
Self confidence is a huge thing with women. Work on this as a 180.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
My problem is trying figure out a way to 180 that, with limited contact. I am trying to be more positive, answer her questions help when I can, but I think I need to try and leave her alone, at least for the time being. When I drop off girls, I can try to be more positive and I really try to listen when she does talk, but a true 180 for that is just not come to me yet!!
