Have I any hope... (part 2)

[bashy]

So I took a step back since last post. I'm stupid. I made a call to IVA people to look into what could happen with any debts I might incur if tax credits was in joint name (a white lie just to find info for wife). Long story short it was positive.

I contact WAW. She rings back. I explain the sitch. She gets annoyed. I don't understand her worries. She can only deal with one sitch at a time. Tax credits first. IVA second. I said 'you asked for my help and I'm helping'. She says she doesn't need this before wedding party tonight. I tell her I thought she'd like to know. She hits back saying she just wants me to come to her and go through all the paperwork. I think to myself 'Why do I keep having to run to you'.... so I said, 'I did that last week'. She is peeved this whole convo. including up to this point.

So I just tell her flatly without arguing that I'm only trying to help like u asked. I say goodbye and put phone down first.

I'm so angry. I feel like I'm being used. The go to guy when she's in trouble. But I've been this guy for years. I wish I hadn't bothered trying to help.

I'll just have to help myself like I have been.

I wonder if reality is biting for her now being single like she wanted....

[Mach1]

Then a call just now. Basically in tears. She has no plan B if her money is cut and can't afford new apartment. Says that the government investigation was unfair on her as it involves me. Be careful she says, they could come after you. Told her I don't care cus I can't afford more than I've agreed with IVA. I asked what would she like me to do more than I've done. Sit down with her, she says, to go over paperwork. Sure I did that last week I said. She then goes into a huff and says goodbye.


Any thoughts anyone?

I haven't read your entire sitch, so I am only going by the last few posts here....

I would say that you really need to back away a bit, and stop trying to "fix" all of this for her.

^^^ There was no validation of her thoughts at all, and you were trying to reason with her, fix it for her, and more selfishly....fix it for yourself...

Back away and let this play out a bit...

It didn't break overnight, and it won't fix overnight...

What are you doing for yourself ??

GAL ?

180's ??

What are your goals for yourself ???


For now, anything that she says and feels, is her truth...

It doesn't mean that it is correct either, just as how you feel isn't correct for her.

Yet how you feel, is your truth..

Stop trying to argue and reason with her version of the truth....

Validate her feelings, and move forward for yourself....

You aren't going to talk your way out of something that you acted your way into...

[rayzzz]

[quote]So I just tell her flatly without arguing that I'm only trying to help like u asked. I say goodbye and put phone down first.

I'm so angry. I feel like I'm being used. The go to guy when she's in trouble. But I've been this guy for years. I wish I hadn't bothered trying to help.

I'll just have to help myself like I have been.

I wonder if reality is biting for her now being single like she wanted....

Think you hit this bang on the head. It's making her resentful that she has to do it herself and sounds like she doesn't "get it" that things are different with you and your db ways. Don't be too hard on yourself Bashy...you stayed calm and cool and hung up first. Thats "walking out of the room" so you don't lose it and cause more damage. Well done! Don't think you would have acted this way pre db, but your db and 180 'muscles' have grown and you can only flex them in this kind of sitchs. Keep acting out of that place of strength...practice anticipating her script...you know how she usually reacts to these situations....map it out and answer accordingly...then you won't get frazzled

Not sure if you should just do it and next time quietly deflect "...well I'd help but I...(enter plausible excuse)". Money matters always stress people out as well especially in a new transition/single living-oh-no-by-myself-how-do-I-do-it stage.

Let the vets chime in and I need to get a bit more caught up on your recent posts.

Take heart in the fact that db is impacting her....now lets see if it changes her for the better too. In your corner man

[bashy]

Heh guys. Ty sooo much. My friend tells me not to meet her face to face about paperwork as I'm still too weak. I agree.

DB is working. B4 I was there for her when she needed me. As a result she was kind and talked to me kindly. No arguments. But now that I'm not doing things when she asks she's getting angry. I know the kindness b4 was because all was going well for her and I was on hand if she needed things.

Now things are going wrong and I'm not jumping everytime she expects me to she's getting peeved....

Man this is tough. All I want to do is help but know it's wrong in our current sitch in most instances

[Mach1]

Heh guys. Ty sooo much. My friend tells me not to meet her face to face about paperwork as I'm still too weak. I agree.

It isn't about being too weak....

The question should be, does it really have to happen right now ??

DB is working. B4 I was there for her when she needed me. As a result she was kind and talked to me kindly. No arguments. But now that I'm not doing things when she asks she's getting angry. I know the kindness b4 was because all was going well for her and I was on hand if she needed things.

You need to be doing things because YOU need them done, not because she demands it. And you don't have to be nasty about it either.

You COULD be out doing things....right ??

Stop looking over your shoulder, wondering if "DB" is working or not.

If it is ??

You will know it...

If it isn't ???

Then you will know that too...

Maybe not today or tomorrow, yet you WILL know...

Now things are going wrong and I'm not jumping everytime she expects me to she's getting peeved....

That's kind of mindreading a bit..

Truth is, you have no idea about why or how she is doing these things. If you were to jump, eventually, she would find fault with that too...

I would venture a guess, that she is playing whatever tune makes you dance the most. So that you turn into the person that she needs you to be, in order to "justify" her decision to leave you....

Man this is tough. All I want to do is help but know it's wrong in our current sitch in most instances

It is a tough as you allow it to be....

Focus your energy on yourself, and the rest will be what it is meant to be....

[bashy]

Heh Mach. Funny you should mention that last bit. In recent weeks I've been looking after myself. Not getting involved. It was tough detaching and staying dark but way better than the drama today.

I'll step back and continue GAL. Will get a few points down too for counsellor next. Think I will continue with that. Always feel better afterwards.

'I would venture a guess, that she is playing whatever tune makes you dance the most. So that you turn into the person that she needs you to be, in order to "justify" her decision to leave you....'..... Should I help when asked as long as I'm not doing the running?

[Mach1]

I would venture a guess, that she is playing whatever tune makes you dance the most. So that you turn into the person that she needs you to be, in order to "justify" her decision to leave you....

Should I help when asked as long as I'm not doing the running?

I think that you should do whatever YOU are capable of doing..

If you can do it, and not only act different, but BE different..

Then I would say to do what you are comfortable doing...

If you aren't, and you know that you will act all emotional, then I would think twice before I put myself in that position...

Make sense ???

[bashy]

Definitely. Perhaps that's what my friend means by me being 'weak'.

So help when I can but if it affects 'me' or 'my time' say no?

[Thornton]

Hi Bashy - I think Mach's advice is spot on. There were many, many times I followed Mach's advice. It was so hard to do but it was the right thing to do.

I think Mach is saying to establish your independance from WAW (Mach-correct me if I'm wrong).

Think of WAW as a neighbor you have no invested feelings for. Would you be panicked if your neighbor was upset with you for something silly?

Basically you can't let what WAW is saying/doing affect you. That's what detaching is all about. It's hard to do but it's necessary. It takes practice so don't think you are going to instantly become detached. Practice, practice, practice.

[Thornton]

Help your WAW if you can do it without getting emotional. But don't bend over backwards for her.

If your WAW asks you to do something for her, and it inconvenient at that time for you, say no. Tell her you can help her another time.

She needs to respect you and your time.