I guess I need to show the side of me I used to be confident, outgoing, and fun. But trying to do that in a ten minute span. Maybe just smile, take control of situations when they come up. Just be confident, even though right now I feel like I want to curl up into a ball and hide, which is fine just not in front of her.
You absolutely have to leave her alone. Every time you do not, you dig your hole a little deeper. People have said here to pretend she is the nosey neighbor and treat her accordingly. Be polite, but do not seek her out, and do not let her linger, or conversations linger. Changing the way you interact with her can be hard, but it is a must if you want to see any positive results.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I know I am going to do my absolute best to just get out and live this weekend, and try to keep my fingers off the phone, except to call my girls. I want her back, but I am learning that I want it to be on here terms and not mine if at all. I can't control her, even though I continually try. It's either I become a man or stay a mouse at this point. Thanks for the advice pilot. Happy flying lol!!!
I agree with Pilot. It's really hard to do, but changing that dynamic is essential. Part of the issue is that it's habit, and easy to do the things that don't work for us because that's what we've always done, so being aware and having some forethought might be helpful here, too.
I've actually started practicing conversations, actions, and ways of responding before I'll need them. It doesn't always work, and sometimes I get blindsided, but having some ideas ahead of time can be really helpful.
Would it be helpful to put an elastic band around your phone, or put a post-it on it, or something like that as a reminder of what you want to do and who you want to be, and to keep you from doing anything except calling your girls?
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I thought about stuff like that, but I don't think it will work. I think I need to keep thinking about what I really want and I've been trying visualize how to get there. Seeing things I want in my mind and what it takes to get it. The last couple of days it has happened to help keep me grounded. Yesterday was such a tough day, I actually think I had a panic attack or at least a small one. But I used what I learned in therapy to talk myself done a bit, and started to see what I really wanted. Thanks for the help Meghan, funny thing is that's my W's name just spelled different!!! I have been keeping an eye on your thread as well!! Hope you can find a peaceful place for yourself, and it does help to post on others and see what they are doing or not doing!!
I think knowing what you want and picturing it are far better strategies in the long run, although they take a good bit of self-control and effort. The more we can do that, the easier it is to act in constructive ways all the time, I suspect, because it will just be a part of us rather than something we really have to think about. I'm working on that too, but it's one of those things that takes time, and it feels oh so easy to slip.
It seems to me that there are just a lot of tough days, period. Right now, I think it's probably pretty normal for the tough days outweigh the normal-ish ones. I certainly understand the panic, too - sometimes things just get seriously overwhelming. If you're panicking, one thing that's worked for me that I read about somewhere is to do a few pushups to get some of the energy out and work off the fight or flight response. Might be worth a try too, if things are bad.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
I thought about stuff like that, but I don't think it will work. I think I need to keep thinking about what I really want and I've been trying visualize how to get there. Seeing things I want in my mind and what it takes to get it. The last couple of days it has happened to help keep me grounded. Yesterday was such a tough day, I actually think I had a panic attack or at least a small one. But I used what I learned in therapy to talk myself done a bit, and started to see what I really wanted. Thanks for the help Meghan, funny thing is that's my W's name just spelled different!!! I have been keeping an eye on your thread as well!! Hope you can find a peaceful place for yourself, and it does help to post on others and see what they are doing or not doing!!
Roid I feel you. I have been the one that doesn't know how to cater to myself besides everyone else for my whole marriage. Find that one thing you wanted to do in the beginning of your R that you never did (and we all have that)and do it. I just signed up for a Spartan Beast marathon and I have never done it. My W was never really supported on me in losing weight and it wasn't really up to her but when we got together I was in good health and after 8 years of being together I just let it all go. NC is actually really good to have for both of you , but more so for you. You won't know what your W is doing but you are going to start not caring honestly. I wanted to txt my W last night more than a drug addict in a N.A. meeting but I stopped the urge. The more you show her that you are taking care of yourself and less about her or the R then your W is going to either do one of 2 things. Be relieved and enjoy the silence or she is going to start thinking of why you aren't running after her. I would always run to my wife. I would be crying in the middle of the night and saying I want her back and I will change and never had her focus on her self. And the only time it made a difference is when I stopped chasing her. Just food for thought but hey I am proud of you. This is tough.
ME 31 / W 35 M 3 / T 7 S 2 / S 14 D 5 / D 8
ME MOVED OUT 06/07/14 W THINKS D WOULD BE BEST FOR EVERYONE 7/2/14
I went out and got some good Chinese take out tonight for dinner!! Haven't had it for quite a while. And to be honest was tough I used to get for wife on occasion same place her in town. But I said to heck with it got out and did it!! Now to find something to do for Tomorrow, was thinking if finding someone to go to watch the new Apes movie. The first one was surprisingly good!!
Funny story about that had a debate with a co worker today. We walk a couple of miles everyday at lunch. He said isn't it really the third Apes movie. And I was like if you want to count Marky Marks version sure, but that was horrible. Then found out he had most of the movies on video. Felt somewhat bad finding out he was a closet fan I think. He is a very quiet guy a little older than me, but super nice guy!! He once said he doesn't say much, so it's usually me talking. Funny to open up on a cult type film following!!!
I know why I am a little down for though. Finally hit me what was said the other day. She said she was happy to be alone, didn't feel scared at all. And this is why we dont talk to our WAS's. Because are mental state is not prepared to handle the massive negative talk that comes from them. Even if it was true or not true, doesnt matter, we can't process the negativity only to mean that they are offically done. But I haven't said I was done yet. I might have moments of wanting to give up, but dont we all.
Roid, I think it's important to not read too much into what's said (although, seriously, this is like the pot calling the kettle black, coming from the queen of reading too much into stuff). There can be so much negativity that it sends you spiraling, and then you're in a place where it's hard to keep afloat and do what needs to be done.
I've gotten a lot of mixed messages from my H., and it's been a real struggle to try to not believe either the good or the bad, so I get where you're coming from. Stay strong, though - what she said might be true in terms of what she's experiencing now, but should could also be bluffing, or trying to convince herself, or exaggerating to show off, or any number of other things. You just can't know right now, which is frustrating but gives you some space to breathe in.
M - 34 H - 36 Together 10 years Married 4 years BD - March, 2014
