Dealing with an ongoing affair

[CS000]

Peter, you're pressuring your W with your requests. Be polite, give her space and stop pursuing her. Hope you can detach

[Meghan]

She asked why it took her having an A for me to wake up. She said it seems like the only time I pay attention to her is when she's threatening to leave me, or when she actually is leaving me. There are about 3 or 4 times in our history when that has been the case, but she is blind to all the times I have heard her and acted accordingly. She constantly focuses on those occurrences claiming it's a pattern I will just keep repeating. She has no guarantee that I won't fall back into that and she's not willing to waste another 10 years of her life living in such an unfulfilling marriage. That's what she is afraid of. I'll need to address that fear somehow - discussion point for my MC.

It sounds like you've had a hard day. With this question in particular, keep in mind that it's possible that she's rewriting history in her mind as a way to justify what she's doing. Sure, you probably contributed in some way - haven't we all? - but she's viewing the past through some lenses that have her strongly focused on the bad things and not able to see most, if any, of the good. It can be really hard to deal with. It takes a lot to be able to validate their experience and feelings without trying to explain your perspective, but I'd suggest validating her as much as possible.

In terms of addressing her fears that change will be shortlived, she's going to need to see the changes that she wants and you'll need to keep them up as routine so she belives in them.

When I invited her to stay the night she said she doesn't need an invitation to sleep at her own house. I told her that's not what I meant - I just meant that I would like to spend a night together again, like we did back in May. But that was pursuing and was not good. So I tried to backpedal without success. Oh well. Get back up, dust myself off and carry on DBing.

The best thing you can do is carry on. Tomorrow's another day and you've learned a little bit more today about what works and what doesn't, and that's a good thing to have.

[pilot]

Agree with the other posters Peter. Do not kick yourself. Lessons learned. I know it is hard to not pursue, but really focus your efforts on detaching. Once you do, you will have a much easier time NOT pursuing, and that will do more for you and your chances at R than any pursuing ever will.

Best of luck to you

[PeterV2]

She also said sometimes she just wants to end it (suicide) but won't because of her daughter and our cat. I was one of the reasons.:(

I meant to say I wasn't one of the reasons.

Now it's 5am - can't sleep. She said she went to the spa for the night, but I have a gut feeling she lied. Maybe I'm just mind reading. Maybe my imagination is getting the better of me.
I feel like confronting her tomorrow when she gets back.

I feel like asking her why she lied (about not going onto my computer when eventually she said she saw some files that she didn't like). I'd just ask, why did you lie? Won't tell her it's about my computer. See if she spills some beans about other lies.
Sorry folks. I'm just going a bit crazy here.

She says she's going to our friend's place in Miami next week. I wonder about that too. Is she just playing me? Maybe I should just tell her to get out of my life. Maybe I should ask to see her phone. She probably won't let me see it. I'll ask what she's hiding and she'll feed me a line about client confidentiality, but I sign the RH's confidentiality agreement so I'm covered.

I need some help here folks.

[PeterV2]

Alternative is that I just back way off. Be cool. Be distant. leave her to her own. I need space. So does she. If she's still in the A with OM then let her deal with that on her own. I know how conflicted she was. And she still is conflicted.

Still I feel like telling her that if she's meeting OM in Miami she may as well not even come back. Crepe this is hard.

[PeterV2]

Ok so she came back from the spa tonight. She said she slept most of the time and she feels a lot better. She had taken my advice and turned her cell phone off completely so that's why she didn't respond to my text last night asking if she got there ok. We always check in on one another when traveling. So my imagination had gotten the better of me last night.

She sent me a text this evening inviting me over for a visit. I went in due course (no rushing) and we had a pleasant evening, getting her stuff packed for her vacation. She's talking at length about our friend and his family in Miami so I'm not as suspicious as I was yesterday. It's just a bit of a rollercoaster ride for me. I'm about 90% sure she's not meeting he OM there. Still there's that nagging doubt. But I just have to detach.

She definitely seems more relaxed and happier after just a day's break from work. She's been working basically non-stop for 18 months and she's burned out. I think the 9 days incommunicato will do her a world of good. Maybe help get her head screwed on right again. I'm taking care of her business while she's gone.

I'm feeling much better tonight. Sorry for the ranting last night. Yikes!

I didn't ask to see her phone. That's pressuring and she wouldn't appreciate it. She'll open up when she's good & ready, and maybe when she's more relaxed and less burnt out. I'll just continue on my own path for now.

[pilot]

GOOD!!! I am glad you did not confront her. I was just catching up, and as I was reading your posts from about 20 hours ago, I was getting worried you were going to do something really no good.

You definitely need to stop with the mind reading, the worrying about what she is doing, where she is, who is she with. That stuff will do you no good, and get you into more conflict with your W than needs to be there. Let it go, and detach. All of these things can be dealt with in time, but the time has to be right, and SHE has to want to deal with them. That time is not now, so NOTHING you do or say or ask will make a bit of difference and will only push her farther away. Good job avoiding those pitfalls today, and spend the next week NOT worrying about what she is doing