I was trying to think up a name for my new thread and I was thinking about my life lately and the image that came to mind was the cyclone scene in Wizard of Oz. Everything's tumultuous and I'm trying to keep all the doors and windows shut, and I would not be surprised at all to see a cow fly by.
The good news is that it's nearly cured me of my obsession with these boards. Too busy to spend the hours I once did. I still check in often to see some people I care about and how they're doing. I sometimes post a quick reaction to something I see in Newcomers and end up backspacing back over it because I haven't taken the time to know their stories and have little business spouting off in their threads. That's good for me, because I was really getting too absorbed here as an escape from what's out there. Now I'm out there.
So, just the current stuff, travel lacrosse, moving office and house furniture, selling stuff on craigslist, working a second job that's flexible but time consuming, gearing up to start my new job, getting all doctors appointments and whatnot done during my between-jobs month, trying to keep the kids healthy and busy and the usual teenager issues, and oh yeah, that separation agreement. It's higher up on my to do list than ever. I think I'm ready to get busy on it.
Not much going on between me and H, just interacting when kids or mail requires it and that is mostly via text. He's pleasant enough. He didn't say anything but by the way he asked if my new salary was full time or part time I could guess that he'd been hoping it would be much higher. He never believed me that I was very well paid for my part time work, to offset the lack of benefits. New job is not 60% more money. But we all know I wasn't really working only part time before. Anyway, it's a job and a good one, with benefits, and I'll make do and keep the second one if it's needed to save for college.
The other thing about H is I keep getting hit with a sad memory. When H and I told the kids and H left, S14 who was 12 then came home from school one day and told me his friend said it's ok to have divorced parents because you get to have two Christmas trees. That kid's dad has him about half the time and has a complete home set up for him and his brother, and is very involved with them. I had a feeling our sitch wouldn't be anything like that, and it hasn't been, and I wonder if that's been a disappointment to S14.
S14's got a new IC, who's beginning to ask him about his anger, and he's responding "what anger? I'm not angry." I can remember sitting in a chair three years ago saying the exact same thing. Probably because he's slashed most of the stuff in his room with his knife collection, we think he might be angry? Or because he won't get out of bed? Anyway, he seems to be doing better the past couple of weeks.
So that's all, just wanted to open a new thread since my last one locked. I do read a bunch of you, and do care, just don't have much to say.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thanks for the new thread AD! Been wondering how you are doing. Sounds like you are working through things slowly but surely. Good luck with getting the separation agreement completed. For some reason when I did mine, that brought more of a sense of closure than getting the actual signed divorce papers.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi adinva, I remember you from my more active times, I always enjoyed your contributions. - There seem to be similar developments in situations. Like you I am "out there" most of the time. The main difference is that Big D is behind me. I go along with your last words: "just don't have much to say". I don't want to discourage newcomers but I also don't want to nurture hope. I have no expectations. "It is not what it could have been, it is not what it should have been, it is what it is." (� Nicole Kidman's father.)
I51 XW51 T30 M18 D11/11 S9 2/12 ILYBINILWY 3/12 I left home 4/12 PA 9/12 XW left home and moved in with OM 4/13 I moved back to home 6/14 Big D
Hi Longrun! I have always felt that the hope comes from what 25 told me right at the beginning, this is a chance to fix my stuff that I didn't even realize I had, and be a better person/partner. As long as there was something good I could get from all this, it made me feel better, more empowered. I tried to hammer that point for the newcomers for a while. It's frustrating because they tend to define success as avoiding divorce. I don't anymore. There's a lot of hope in just growing as a person, imo. I hope you got some of that too. I used to think a bad marriage was better than divorce, but I don't think that anymore, not even for the kids. And it takes two to fix a bad marriage, and even then it's a long shot.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
True, adinva. There are two topics: what happens with the marriage and what happens with oneself. Whereas there may be no hope for the marriage there is definitely hope for how one feels. "Detach", "GAL" and all the other DB recommendations definitely help here.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Serendipitously, H wanted to stop by for mail and to write me a check for S16's car tires, and we had an IC appointment for S14 scheduled, so I invited him to attend if he wanted to. It was very interesting. I tried not to try to control the conversation so the IC could get a read on how S14's dad interacts with us.
The goal is to figure out what will help S14 motivate himself to succeed in life, beginning with getting out of bed. We had a very optimistic schedule to attempt from last week, which we both did not implement very well, and we both thought was extreme for summer, and which I thought would require more sitting on S14 that I was able to do or should do. The talk turned to how much of this might be wired and how much is willful, and H took over and kind of went on a rampage. He believes it's willful and believes S14 just needs to have empathy for how much he's inconveniencing everyone else and then the good feeling of not being an inconvenience for his mother will be what motivates him. He asked S14 if he feels bad for not helping me, and he continued rephrasing the question and clarifying it and answering it himself, for maybe five entire minutes so S could not get a word in edgewise. S14 basically clammed up, leaned back, picked at his lip and said monosyllabic answers only after long pauses. And looked like he might cry.
H also talked about what "we" do and family dinners and things as if he hasn't lived elsewhere for the past year and a half. About how "we" have consequences and "we" have chores in the house. If you didn't know, which IC did know, you would have thought we all lived together. I was very quiet and tried to let everyone else be how they were, but all the loud talking in my ear was upsetting and I found myself scrutinizing the letters in the titles of the psych books on IC's shelves so that I would not cry. Not because I felt emotional about the not living together, but because the loud talking and H acting like he knows everything made me feel very uncomfortable. I also feel uncomfortable when S14 acts weird, because I know he's able to not do that, and his clamming up tends to make people uncomfortable which is embarassing to me. So I tried to just not get in the way during the uncomfortable parts.
IC suggested some testing to determine what areas might be holding S14 back, and H said he didn't think it was needed now that we had a new solution. H's new solution was he told S14 that we're all going to thank him when S14 does things like get up and feed the dogs so he can know we appreciate it and so he can develop empathy for how we feel. With this NEW appreciativeness (which is not new, because I always thank the kids for doing things I appreciate...it was H who didn't believe in praising them for just doing what they're supposed to, and he's not there to say thanks now...), with this new tool, H felt we'll see S14 do better and if he does better we don't need any expensive testing.
IC excused S14 and got a lot more serious and suggested to H that it will be helpful to determine how much is willful and how much is not. His observations suggested to him that we might be dealing with something along the autistic spectrum, where all the yelling in the world isn't going to have the intended effect. I've thought that since S was little, when he got scolded for not making eye contact and not being more engaging with people, so this is not surprising to me but I have always thought S14 was doing pretty well and needed to be more understood. I think it's time to recognize that's not good enough, because the depressive signs have me really worried.
So I was really glad H was in the room for this discussion coming from IC. I think it helped get H possibly thinking in terms of what S needs rather than how inconvenient S is. I also think it gave IC a good picture of the impact H has when he's talking to S.
Later in the car I asked S how he thought it went, good, bad, medium? Got a grunt. I said, I think it went really well because it gave IC a chance to see what dad's like. S opened up and said he would have answered the question but dad wouldn't stop talking so there was nowhere to get in. So we went and got lollipops and went home.
S is willing to go for testing, so we'll see where that leads.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
