Trying to detach

[Zues126]

Head up- one bit of advice. Before sending ANY text/email or initiating a conversation. WAIT. Pray for strength if you pray. If not ask yourself- am I feeling hurt/needy/angry/depressed right now? Or am I feeling detached/confident/strong? Only then start typing- and before you hit send proof read and ask yoursf if you think that tone came through!

We all backslide as long as we are 'acting' our growth. I agree you have to fake it till you make it, but there will be moments when our heart shines through and will be revealed. Either due to a backslide or being tested.

So make your future communications DB approved and focus on the SOURCE of the backslide. The attachment, the negative emotions. What can you do to grow into the person you're trying to act like?

On my end I'm really starting to realize the R is over and that constantly reevaluating the chances of it coming back again will destroy my own growth and any chance there is in the process. Will I be ok on my own? Am I focused on what I'm greatf for? Am I learning the lessons life is teaching me?

For me and you it may be too late for the R, or it may not be. But it's NEVER too late to start growing up and living the way God intends us to, strong, humble, and grateful for what we have. Anyone that has Internet connection in this world is so far ahead of the historic standards if living, if we can't find peace in what we have a dysfunctional R won't fulfill us.

Rooting for you!

[HeadUp]

Zues thanks for the advice on the texting. I am going to start doing that with every conversation I have with her. I did that this whole weekend and then I let my insecurity drive the wheel. I know I am stronger than that and I can do it. The hardest part I feel and you all can tell me I am wrong on this but is that you have to fall out of love with you W. And I know that I am going to be fine and there is plans for it but this woman that I am talking to isn't the woman I fell in love with. I know I don't like who she is right now and I feel dooped because if this who she really is and she hide it from me for so long then why are you made at me when I am not being mean? Not sure where I was going with that i just needed to get that off.

[pilot]

It is way too early to give up, regardless of what your W is saying or doing. Give it some time, stay LRT/NC and give your W the space she needs to reflect on everything without you being in the picture.

[HeadUp]

Your right pilot. It is way to early to give up and God it is hard to do NC and 180's and not ask how she is or if she is ok. I have been reading alot of defensiveness (me all the way) and always having to be right. I want that 23 year old that found my W and was happy and cheerful and laughed all the time and smiled, and had more hair on his head. He is still here I just have kept him locked on a closet thinking that I was doing the right thing and grow up. What I didn't realize was that he was an important part of me and I wasn't doing the right thing. He is coming back slowly but he is showing up at the party now.

She has all 4 of the kids this weekend. She is going to be dropping off our 2 at my house on Friday. I am not looking forward to it because I know she is going to be upset that she has been watching them all week. But if I project that everything is going to be fine and not let her bait me into a conversation that I will back slide and show her that I am caring and I understand that it is hard to watch 4 kids by yourself...would that go against the NC? Help I am lost again and I ran into a wall.

[Zues126]

One guide I have been using for what changes I am making is this: if I knew for sure my Stbx wouldn't ever be open to working things out, would I still make this change?

From that lense, there may be changes my wife wanted me to make that I'm only now getting around to. But only if I am doing it because I realize now that I'm wrong and need to grow in those areas to be a better person, period.

I am NOT making changes that don't meet this test. Because that means I'm not really ready to sustain those changes anyway, it wouldn't work or I'd be miserable, and she'll sniff those out anyway and it will looking manipulation and pursuing.

So- how would the person you want to be for YOU handle this encounter? Just do that and detach from her behavior.

[HeadUp]

Now for years she wanted me to always put the effort in going out and that was my bad for not doing it. Now I have the kids every weekend she has stopped taking the kids out anywhere and I have been. I am planning a trip to the city with the kids next weekend or the following weekend. Should I ask her if she would like to go with us?

[Zues126]

Ok. Falling out of love. My two cents: you don't have to stop loving her. You have to stop NEEDING to love her and NEEDING to express your love.

Youre right. You don't know her. You do but don't. Just as you are changing into a different person, so is she. And she has a head start. Be PATIENT. Suppose you just met girl, took her on a date, then asked her to marry you. That is way too fast!!! Well- shes different, youre different. I'm learning that the re-commitment to a dead marriage is just as big a step as going from first date to marriage the first time around.

Personally I'd hold off on the invite and let her take the lead. It may hurt, but you have no idea how differently she may feel than you do right now. You have loving feelings for her and are waitin to fall into each others arms. She is somewhere totally different. Don't pursue as it forces her to back away and not consider what she's missing. Don't trust me, trust everyone else that says that. It's counter intuitive.

Instead, grow to be content with what you have. If god told you you'd never have her in your life again would you choose to be unhappy forever? If the answer is yes then you're putting way too much pressure on the situation, and that's not healthy. Find out why you'd say yes and work on you. If you'd say no, great, appreciate what you have and let it go.

The difference between detaching and giving up is that you continue to work on you, for you. So all those other guys just go get drunk And bang skanks. You are behaving differently then them. That's why you stand more chance of reconciliation. But when you start pursuing, thinking of what you need as opposed to what she needs (space) and why you need it so much (growth), then you're right back with the others that will always wonder why it didn't work out.

Just my opinions and some of this doesn't directly apply, I guess this is what's been on my mind so thought I'd share.

[HeadUp]

Thanks Zeus I needed that. My W really did give me the best gift of time. I am not sure if we will work out. I am determines to be the best me I can be. With or with out her. I know I will come out stronger one way or another. I haven't said anything to her or shared what I have been feeling since last week. I believe has worked because she now has to wonder what I did this weekend and like I said that is not like me to not tell her. I haven't asked her what she has been doing or who she is hanging out with. I am showing her that I am moving forward and I want to be the best me I can be.

[Zues126]

I'm right there with you. Sorry for your pain. Such a heartbreaking situation. Good job for the steps you are taking. You are stronger than you know and if you stay on the road miracles will happen. Who knows which or when. Hang in!

[HeadUp]

What I need to get better at is just the small daily/weekly goals. Then write them down to see the progress I am or not making.