Hi, Lisa! I just got back from camping, which was a huge 180 for me. We had fun! And the heat didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, so I'm still learning about myself day by day!!!
You CAN trust again. You CAN rebuild, but you both have to want it, and it's going to be a long time from now. Most As fizzle out. Stop paying attention to him and just worry about yourself!
You gotta act "as if" he's not coming back. That doesn't mean you've given up. I "dropped the rope", but that doesn't mean I'm not trying to save my M still- it just means he doesn't get to occupy my thoughts. I'm living for my D12 and myself and. It worrying about when I hear from him next, etc.
As Labug told me: take your eyes off him. It's only going to upset you right now, anyway.
If it is totally out of his nature to behave like he is, he will awaken at some point and hate himself (my H has told me that several times- doesn't mean he's coming home anytime soon, but at least he understands there's a problem!)
You will see on here the saying "the only way through this is THROUGH it." It's true, and it's horrible. You can do it, though.
Hang in there!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Hi artsy! Welcome back from camping! I love camping, I'm glad you had a good time and surprised yourself.
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I realize that these are his choices and it is his life and I can't do anything about those things. Of course it hurts and I am angry and upset but all I can do is focus on myself.
I thought about it a lot today and spoke with my C and I know I have to just work on my own life and let him go deal with his.
I've been struggling a lot with how to communicate with him. I don't plan to contact him at all but if the past 2 weeks are any indication I will hear from him occasionally. I have been questioning whether I should completely ignore his messages or be distant but friendly. I know he hasn't contacted me yet so I shouldn't overthink it but again judging from the past when I do get a message from him I freak out a little. It helps me to already have a plan in place.
And we live in a small town so there is a very good chance that I will actually run into him and OW. So I feel I need a plan in place for that too.
I dont want to make mistakes, I want to conduct myself with dignity while still leaving the possibility that he will recover his senses and we can try again. Therefore I think being friendly but distant in response to his contact is probably the best option. But my heart truly wants me to punch him in the face for how he has lied, cheated and mistreated me.
Thanks artsy and everyone for your support and advice, I appreciate it. Have a good day! Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
I think most of us know exactly how you feel. Do not over think it. Spend your time detaching and once you get that you wont have to worry about planning how you interact, it will be natural.
Answer important messages. By that I mean anything kid related, finance related, job/schedule related, etc. Ignore the ones that are pointless. Like if he sends you a text saying its hot outside. You do not care if he is hot outside or not, so you do not answer. Always be pleasant when you do respond. You want to convey your PMA and the idea that you are just fine without him. Do not worry about running into him with OW. If it happens it happens. remove yourself quickly, but as you say, with dignity. No point in having to endure seeing it if you do not feel you can handle it emotionally.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Well said Artsy and Pilot. I'm going through the same struggle as Lisa. Recently I found out the A is still going on. Even though they both told me it has stopped. So I am living in a lie too. Yeah it hurts, it burns. But like Lisa says "thank you for the words of wisdom."
Lisa, be strong and focus on the big picture... You're doing everything you can to get S back ( on H own decision). The path we walk now is emotionally strapped and long. But what we do is the best approach and someday you will look back and know that you have gave it your all (with dignity :))
Be patient and remember we cannot control them. Just let it play out. And we have time, time to GAL and better ourselves for...ourselves.
Hi cq1 and pilot! Thanks for the helpful words. Hope you are doing well today. I have had a rough weekend, feeling really sad, depressed, emotional etc etc. Haven't wanted to leave the house, just moping around crying and being sad. Sometimes I think that is needed to get to the next level. Most of the time I am putting on my brave face and being social so sometimes I think I just need to be a wreck, break down, and be alone with my feelings. Eventually you just get sick of being pathetic.
The good news is that maybe I came out on the other side with a better attitude!
I'm sure I will be back on the rollercoaster soon but for now I am feeling like F U! F U and F that stupid little s!ut! You both are liars and losers and I hope you enjoy being together in your stupid loserdom.
Not just angry - really I don't feel that angry today - it is more like HA! I don't care about you! I feel superior and strong. I feel excited to start a new chapter, to be fully in control of my own choices. To make a great life for myself because I AM GREAT! Not have to ask H for his opinion, not have to think about his needs or desires. To do whatever I want. I don't have to GAL, I have a great life, and I can make it even greater every darn day.
I'm sad to think this good feeling will pass. I like it.
Hope everyone is feeling strong! RAARRRRRR!!!! Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
"I'm sure I will be back on the rollercoaster soon but for now I am feeling like F U! F U and F that stupid little s!ut! You both are liars and losers and I hope you enjoy being together in your stupid loserdom. "
We are so same. I too have been feeling like this the lately. Especially this weekend. Underneath it is so painful. I am feeling that my W acts nice now around me so I can do the things she wants to get done. The hope for reconciliation within me is dissipating. I can feel it and it hurts. I am glad you found some strength in this Lisa. Be strong and perhaps, it's a part of detaching because we usually feel caring for S. but now, like you said, we feel like F them and we don't give a crap. I'm with you, but it's an emotion that will pass. I go back and forth. We must look at the big picture and rember what we are fighting for. Stay strong.
Hi cq1! So right again as usual! I hope you are doing well.
You know what you need when someone stomps on your heart? Tells you they don't love you anymore and maybe never did. Goes and sleeps with someone younger and sexier than you? You know what you need?
You need someone younger, hotter and sexier than THEM to come hit on YOU. Oh yeah. That's right.
Well, it doesn't erase the pain but it makes it just a tiny bit better.
cq1, I hope you are getting out there and trying to enjoy life, or at least pretend to. It helps. Maybe some cutie will flirt with you and make you feel just a little bit better. Not maybe, I'm sure of it!
H is messaging really inane things in the past days, just a few words to make small talk or stay in touch, I guess. I am trying to be polite, friendly and distant, to seem like I am fine and dandy. To react to him like I would to any friend sending small talk chats. And not asking him "how are you?" or any questions in return. We'll see. I don't feel comfortable completely ignoring his messages but waiting several hours and then replying really mellow is ok I guess. It sends the same type of message: I don't care about you.
Hope everyone is doing good! Love and hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Hey Lisa, it was a tough day for me today. I almost wanted to confront W about the so called ended A. I know it hasn't and I almost lost it. But I came through ok. I practiced my STFU technique. I feel better but the hurt is still there. Again, We both must try to look at the big picture. Honestly, it's difficult for me because we still live in the same house. She acts as if she's giving me a chance to change. So I started to act as if I am happy as can be. I will continue it for a week or two and see what happens. I just feel being used. But remember Lisa, we must not give them a reason to judge us on why they have decided to be this way with us. Stay strong and focus. Today, when I was at my weakest, I thought about you and this forum. I thought of the advice I gave you and all the things I've learned. Patience is the key now. Please remember that too.
As for the texts you're getting, remember to not show H that you will always be there for him. It's the new you...Strong and confident. Hope you had a good day tomorrow. Cheers
"You need someone younger, hotter and sexier than THEM to come hit on YOU. Oh yeah. That's right." LOL. You're probably right. Thanks for the suggestion.
