H came back around to drop off some smokes for me, it's quite late here, bought food with him because he hadn't eaten all day, general chat and then went to go, another hug and kiss on the lips, just texted him because I forgot to thank him for watching the boys, he replied no problem at all, that's what we do, help each other when we can...goodnight. little steps, am I seeing cracks???
H came back around to drop off some smokes for me, it's quite late here, bought food with him because he hadn't eaten all day, general chat and then went to go, another hug and kiss on the lips, just texted him because I forgot to thank him for watching the boys, he replied no problem at all, that's what we do, help each other when we can...goodnight. little steps, am I seeing cracks???
I'd pull way back if I were you, b/c it sounds a lot like pursuit on your end. And there is still an OW...I fear you'll attach expectations to things soon- if you have not already. Tread lightly. Do NOT bring up the R.
He needs to see consistent change in you before he can trust that his own efforts will be matched...so you may be expecting and monitoring a bit early...but once he sees that you are behaving in new ways, that you are a different woman and that you won't backslide into old punitive patterns, THEN maybe he can figure out what he needs to figure out for his own work.
Don't backslide now. Keep up the GAL and Detachment work, please...for your sake and your kid's...
How are the GAL things going?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25, I didn't see it as pursuit, but I ca see what you're saying. I still have no concrete evidence that there is an ow at the moment, and I'm not about to start snooping again to find out if there is, I don't check his Fb anymore and only look at the bank accounts wwhen I need to transfer funds. The pole dancinpg classes are part of my GAL, loved it, am covered in bruises this morning, I've gone out to dinner a couple of times with friends, kids, work and house hunting is taking up a bit of time right now too, also re reading Dr, does that count as a GAL?
little bit flat tonight, busy day, busy kids, overly busy mind. a client was complaining today about how her husband wanted to go out for dinner, and she couldn't be bothered(her words) its too cold, and she'd rather watch tv. I said to her she should go, it means she wouldn't have to cook, she'd get spend some time with her h, and no dishes to come home to, her response was, but he always wants to have dinner with me, I got a little frustrated, but said to her, enjoy the fact that he wants to spend time with you, just go and relax and enjoy....sigh...what I wouldn't give....
maybell, yes my first thought was actually, I have a whole network of people that would KILL for the opportunity for dinner with their s...it just makes me sad
mlp, that was my H and I too, everyone would say they wanted what we had, and now we are here, and then I look at most of the r around me and think "how the he!! are still together? " smh.... makes no sense. And it's nice to hear in the present context that the grass really isn't greener. it's raining and cold and dark here right now, it's not really contributing to being in a good place mentally, I usually love 5 he sound of rain on the roof at night, love to snuggle next to h and just relax. missing him right now, nothing in particular, just him.
I think the more you GAL and involve other new people in it, the less you'll feel compelled to miss him.
I do think there is an element of compulsion to you "missing/needing" him b/c you need others in your life. He cannot be the sole source of joy you feel but the way you speak of him, and how nice it is to just see him, makes me wonder if you have enough going on outside of him, in your life.
The pole dancing sounds hilarious and fun, but if it's only to "pass time until HE comes home" then it's not truly GAL.
It's a "time filler" til the real thing comes and the problem is, your h is not the "real thing" in your life, you are.
You have to fill your life with people and activities OTHER than the man who says he wants to be living on his own.
Also, a bit of a 2 x 4 coming your way...you still obsess and spiral too much and do a whole lot of "what's HE doing NOW??"
It's just too much of the same old behavior that did not serve you well in the past and sure as heck is not helping you now. Almost all of your posts that describe a "bad day today" are about how YOU obsessed negatively, AND OR how he said something that you then obsessed about.
Remember my post to you about worrying and how we convince ourselves that in OUR CASE, the worry is actually of some use? It's not, but we tell ourselves that. I posted about how much time we waste on worrying about things we have no control over and or that never happen anyhow. For me it was at least an hour a day and that adds up to a few YEARS of our waking life. Yours too if I'm not mistaken, plus in your case if I understood correctly, your anxieties have actually worsened your problems by a lot...so they are not merely bad reactions to stress, they bring about more stress.
The pattern is clear. You get negative and needy pretty darn fast, even while admitting that no amount of reassurance would help you anyhow.
Be honest now, How healthy is ^^that? And can you see how draining that would be to be around all the time? You said you have made all these changes and to be sure, some superficial things have been altered (you have kept some comments to yourself that you would otherwise have blurted out, but not consistently) AND the main pattern remains.
You think about him too much, you read into everything he does or says and analyze it to death (which robs the present of a lot of its joy) and you get frightened and negative very quickly.
Even while telling us you "know [you]shouldn't... but..." and then you go ahead and do exactly what you know has caused you pain in the past. How can we help you if you see good advice but then don't follow it?
Like any program of worth, You must DO the DB program for it to help you.
Like the comments you made about him an OW/girlfriend, still being made til recently. And you not dropping it, knowing it was not helping but you showed no restraint and said those things anyhow...
and showing him your irritation at him for not calling in the morning (as he had promised on HIS birthday--very petty) but then also not thanking him for the positives--like doing all the laundry, --blowing a chance to applaud his positive--
these are old behaviors you are repeating -- even while saying you wish you could have another chance. But notice--you're getting small chances a few times a week, and still not changing enough to show him that you really are capable of moving past something, and of being happy in your own skin, and fun/happy to be around.
Being fun and relaxed and NOT needy of him, but still admiring & thanking him ---are what most men want and need.
(Heck, we ALL want to be around fun relaxed people who like us and value us),
so make the most of those opportunities and see them as just that; i.e. opportunities. Chances to show that the changes you are making are profound and real, and deeply felt. That you won't revert right back into the needy seat of despair and anger, the second he comes home...
Instead of feeling "used" when he goes out, maybe you could feel glad you get to show him that you are happy he's having fun AND That you are having fun yourself, with or without him --- b/c you are a fun woman who enjoys life.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
